x.hieuyy.x

Okay, so I've hatched this new idea after reading some information about the current Palestinian/Iraqi conflict war thingy and I've been enticed by the idea that some of the stuff in the bible has related to current events in the world at the moment. What i'm tryna say is my story is pretty much a lot of stuff taken from the bible and turning them into what maybe a futuristic outcome.

What i really need help with is where to take it from here because I'm stuck atm. its only the beginning and im really in need of help cause i wanna actually finish this and do well with it.

anyways heres a little synopsis of what could be a potential story ^^

its the year 2012, suicide bombings in the middle east halt the liberation of israel as the allied nations and the big 3 work desperately to save israel from imminent destruction and doom. a man named tony fields has a premonition that the world will end and a great king on a white horse will come down and smit the enemies of israel. he goes on a hellbent campaign to stop the war and save earth from impending doom.

and now heres the story so far...

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"And it shall come to pass at the same time when Gog shall come against the land of Israel, saith the Lord God, my fury shall come up in my face.
For in my jealousy in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel."

- Ezekiel 38:18 - 19





"Welcome to tonight's Channel 5 News. Israel suffers from more suicide bombings at the hands of the Palestinians and there separatist allies today. Over 50 people were reported to be killed while an amazing 300 others were injured and critically wounded. The bombings occurred along the coasts of the Dead Sea where military officials from Israel and the Allied Nations were docked. It was said they were caught off guard and were being infiltrated by Palestinian spies. The bombings have been a major blow to the war effort for the Allied Nations and have stalled the liberation of Israel. More surprise attacks are expected to come in the next few days.”

The year is 2012. It is December the 11th and the war is fiercer than ever. The Allied Nations, primarily consisting of the remaining United Nations and the Big Three, the United States, Great Britain and China have all banded together to help keep the peace within the Middle East. The media label the war as a “conflict” and the soldiers of the army to be “glorified peace keepers”. The war has been raging on far longer than what everyone is told or led to believe as the issue goes farther back into the annals of Israeli and Palestinian history. Unemployment is at an all time low as more people enlist to help the war effort, believing that they are doing themselves good as they fight for justice and democracy. Poverty has caused the world’s population to rapidly decline from a prospering 6 billion people to a declining 2 billion people. And to put the icing on the cake, Armageddon will fall upon us in 12 days. The world is falling apart. People turn to religion but the deities turn a blind eye to humankind’s ultimate downfall. The world is dying, democracy is dying and God’s children are left alone and scared. This is the apocalypse.

The infirmary keeps piling up with wounded and bloody soldiers. The morbid agony and pain of the soldiers echo throughout the infirmary. Medics and nurses quickly rush about to each of their patients and do their best to keep them in top condition and to keep them alive and breathing. It’s rush hour and soldiers are flying in and out the infirmary. Many don’t make it and others survive by a string of luck.

“How much longer do we have to go through hell?”
“This IS hell… and we can’t do anything about it. We’re soldiers, our life IS hell.”



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yes i know not much to elaborate on and stuff is vague but please try and at least branch out what happens. dialogue is between two army folk btw, yet to name them sorry =D

Also if anyone would like to give me a brief history lesson between Israel and Palestine, it'd be much appreciated !

Sam Winchester

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"And it shall come to pass at the same time when Gog shall come against the land of Israel, saith the Lord God, my fury shall come up in my face.
For in my jealousy in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel."

- Ezekiel 38:18 - 19





"Welcome to tonight's (you don't really need this) Channel 5 News (News reports usually start off with something akin to this: 'Hello and welcome to Channel 5. I'm Doug Jackson, and this is your nine o'clock news. The main headlines tonight:'). Israel suffers from more suicide bombings at the hands of the Palestinians and their separatist allies today (You've got to get your 'news-speak' accurate. Newscasters usually take elocution lessons, and they read off a TelePrompTer. The script is written by speechwriters, and is usually very technical. That first sentence would be something like this: 'The city of Israel was left rocked earlier tonight as over fifty people were killed and another estimated three-hundred injured in the latest series of suicide bombings. The Palestinians and their separatist allies are believed to have been responsible) . Over 50 people were reported to be killed while an amazing 300 others were injured and critically wounded. The bombings occurred along the coasts of the Dead Sea, where military officials from Israel and the Allied Nations were docked. It was said they were caught off guard and were being infiltrated by Palestinian spies. The bombings have been (a newscaster usually talks in the present tense, so this would be 'the bombings are a major...) a major blow to the war effort for the Allied Nations and have stalled the liberation of Israel. More surprise attacks are expected to come in the next few days.”

The year is 2012. It is December the 11th and the war is fiercer than ever. The Allied Nations, primarily consisting of the remaining United Nations and the Big Three, the United States, Great Britain and China, have all banded together to help keep the peace within the Middle East. The media label the war as a “conflict” and the soldiers of the army to be “glorified peace keepers”. The war has been raging on far longer than what everyone is told or led to believe as the issue goes farther back into the annals of Israeli and Palestinian history. Unemployment is at an all time low as more people enlist to help the war effort, believing that they are doing themselves good as they fight for justice and democracy. Poverty has caused the world’s population to rapidly decline from a prospering 6 billion people to a declining 2 billion people. And to put the icing on the cake, Armageddon will fall upon us in 12 days. The world is falling apart. People turn to religion but the deities turn a blind eye to humankind’s ultimate downfall. The world is dying, democracy is dying, and God’s children are left alone and scared. This is the apocalypse. (This reads like a jacket-blurb. I would advise writing in the past tense for someone who is beginning - if you are a beginner; if not, my apologies.

The infirmary keeps piling up with wounded and bloody soldiers. The morbid agony and pain of the soldiers echo throughout the infirmary. Medics and nurses quickly rush about to each of their patients and do their best to keep them in top condition and to keep them alive and breathing. It’s rush hour and soldiers are flying in and out the infirmary. Many don’t make it and others survive by a string of luck.

“How much longer do we have to go through hell?”
“This IS hell… and we can’t do anything about it. We’re soldiers, our life IS hell.”



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You have a good bones of a story here, but I get the feeling that you're mixing fantasy with action - Armageddon? There are a few things: As I said, I would advise writing in the past tense. It's easier to start with, and the majority of novels are written this way too. If you're going to continue writing in present, be careful of tense changes - they can happen very easily. I'm kind of intrigued as to where it's going, and with a little tightening up, you might have a good story there.

Sam.

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x.hieuyy.x

ahh okay thanks for that. thanks for the grammar fix ups. does anyone know how else i can further better my writing and can someone also help me where to go on from here

Jenny

I'm going to be a bit honest here so don't take it the wrong way. ^_^ Your story is boring, but your idea is great. However, I wasn't hooked at all. I do not like how you start it off with a newscast. You are telling me what is happening rather than showing me. There is always room for explanations; its good to sort of set the plot up for the reader. However, in my opinion, I find that stories are usually unsuccessful if they start the first chapter off with an explanation. its boring and it leaves me uninterested because I have nothing to discover. I've always felt that the best way to hook a reader is to give them an opening chapter that leaves some things unexplained. That way, they want to keep reading so that they can find the answers to their questions.

With that being said, I think it'd be really cool if you opened up with your MC watching/listening this newscast instead of just the newscast all on its own. Perhaps he can be sitting in his army tent (I gather from your story that your MC is a solider, but if I'm wrong, you can always change around the setting) and listening to all this on a radio. Have him thinking about what is being said, and maybe flashing back to the battles that he's been in and the lives that he's taken. You can set the premise of the story for us through your MC and you don't have to make it so...list-like, if that makes sense. Don't be, "this is exactly what is happening." Instead of you telling us what is going on, have your MC tell us.

I think the sudden introduction of dialogue is too abrupt. You need more of it, or at least, you need to introduce the speakers, whether its your MC or just two random soldiers walking by. Also, the dialogue is a BIT cliché. I feel no emotion attached to it. You use "hell" three times in the course of two sentences. I like the idea of what the characters are conveying, but perhaps you should reword it differently.

Write in past tense and consider writing from the point of your MC. That would be neat.

I hope I made sense. Like I said, I love the idea and concept of your story. I just think you need to introduce us to it in a different way. Good luck. =)