JohnnyBones

Hey all. Below is an excerpt from a novel that appears probably about 92 pages in. How does it read?

Here's some back story. Annabel is the mother of the main character. Four years ago, she was paralyzed from the waiste down during a cycling accident. Earlier in the novel, there's a flash back to the day she was hurt which concludes with her having a "near death experience" in which she is seperated from her body. Obviously, it changed her a lot.

Note: This novel is called VIBRATIONS and the last paragraph is the first part of the novel where the "vibrations" are introduced.

Double note: The vibrations will refer to the feeling you get before you induce an out of body experience (readers won't know that yet).





Annabel slept peacefully in her wheel chair. She had spent most of the day painting, although she was discouraged nothing worthy came of it. She simply lacked the inspiration that so lavishly guided her hand during previous painting sessions. Her thoughts were bland, yielding nothing but bland artwork. It was a struggle that burdened her mind, and exhausted her soul.

The past few weeks had been especially trying for her. She could feel her marriage slowly slipping away with each day that passed. Every waking moment had been obfuscated with sullen thoughts of her decaying relationship. Seventeen years of unity, evaporating molecule by molecule. Her marriage was never perfect, but it, like most relationships, had only previously went through phases. At times, things were hectic, but mostly the love that she shared with Marty Monroe was generous in its stature.

Four years ago she lost feeling in her legs and ever since then, the
dynamic of the relationship had dramatically changed. Much of this was attributed to the daily struggles that are bound inextricably to the tiresome and frustrating life of a paraplegic. Her natural ability to walk herself across the room was ruthlessly torn from her and replaced with overwhelming urges that could never be satisfied. Naturally, her frustrations manifested themselves in outbursts towards Marty and Jack. Sometimes they came in the form of screaming fits. Other times, she’d resign to the corner, completely disheartened and defeated in her wheelchair, weeping quietly to herself for hours on end.

It was easy for Jack to understand where she was coming from. He embraced her outbursts with compassion and grace. She had been through an overwhelmingly traumatic experience and he understood that her emotional state was completely rattled.

Marty, on the other hand, reacted with great contempt. He’d boil with anger when he would find Annabel crying to herself. “What’s the point of crying, Annabel?” He’d yell. “What is feeling sorry for yourself possibly going to do for you? Pick up the pieces and compose yourself! You’re bringing down the other people that live in this house with you!”

Obviously, these institutions of tough love did little to alleviate her troubles. She was already as fragile as she’d ever been and his piercing words did nothing but weaken and demean her spirits further.

These past four years had seen their relationship fall from great heights. Aside from the physical hardships that interrupted the unwavering aura of their love, intellectual differences served to disjoint their pair as well. Before the accident, their relationship was very much built on the foundation of shared beliefs. They were both completely in tune with each other’s atheism. It allowed for a flowering bud from which the rest of their joys could blossom from. Pruning that bud would instantly destroy everything their love was built upon. It happened slowly, but it indeed happened.

Annabel, over the past four years, had been exploring her spirituality at great lengths. She was trapped in her chair and often found it difficult to do anything else but search for answers to paramount questions that she had suddenly been faced with. Those answers led to questions, which in turn led to more questions, which ultimately presented her with answers that simply annihilated her atheism. She found herself, not only redefined physically, but completely transformed spiritually.

It was a spirituality that was not rooted in Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Muslim, or any organized religion—although after some meticulous research, she did find references to her experiences in all of them. It was the spirituality of the self. It was a line of questioning that led only inward. It was something she had no previous knowledge about, but now found herself obsessed with.

Her relationship with not only Marty, but with very essence of herself completely changed that day. It was a near death experience that rendered her confused, disoriented, and of course, completely separated from her damaged physical body.

However, it wasn’t until a discovery that came several weeks after the accident that really reprogrammed the way she perceived all existence. It was a discovery that made all the hardships in her life less harrowing. A discovery that that not only bewildered her, but passionately inspired her. Everything changed the night she discovered the vibrations.

phurst

Boring. Well not really. Some nice grammer but I am not really interested in the story. The biggest question is why do you want us looking here? I know early on, that's the stuff I wanted agents and editors to read. I shuddered when they asked for the first few chapters. That's where I intorduce my characters, I cried. The good stuff is deeper. Too bad they said. What I found was I had to delete the first bunch of stuff because now days they wnat the reader hooked in the first paragraph, page. So if your best stuff stats at 92 delete 1-91. I cut 5000 words in my first 50 ages to get it ready and it still wasn't line by line tension required but it was a hell of a lot better. Think about that. I know we don't want to cut the pretty stuff but do you want to be the nly one reading your stuff or do you want the world to see it. Save the original for your self and the cut, cut, cut till the reader can't put it down.

Tiamat10

This is all telling. All of it. Granted, it's page 92, but still... I would have thought you'd have SOMETHING to show us in all those words up there. I mean, aside from that flashback, is this the first glimpse we get of Annabel? If so, I'm not at all interested in her. I want to feel bad for her, but you're gonna have to show me a reason why I should.

Your second sentence is confusing. Was she expecting something good to come out of it BECAUSE she was discouraged, or is the fact that she's discouraged what's hindering her painting?

In the next to last sentence, you're only allowed to use 'bland' once. I think you were going for an eloquent bit of repetition there, but it doesn't come off that way.

And in your last sentence, you don't need to comma.

Not sure 'obfuscated' is the right word there. I struggle to figure out how thoughts of a dying relationship can obfuscate anything...

__________________
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
- Steve Martin

JohnnyBones

Firstly, thanks to both of you for taking the time to respond. I should mention, the only reason I posted this was because it happened to be the last thing that I wrote. I wanted to make sure my grammar was okay and just hoping for comments on the flow of the writing. I like to keep myself in check.

Also, this is not the first time we are introduced to Annabel. She's actually one of the main characters and is all over the first 92 pages. It's actually been mostly "showing" scenes.

Now that I think about it, I was probably asking a lot to post this and get comments on it since it is only "telling" and it's completely out of context.

Thanks for taking the time though!