cassie30

Jimmy had his troubles and his parents wanted to get rid of him. His parents hatched a plan to purge themselves of him. Jimmy always managed to fight those weaker than him because he liked to fight and win. From the time he was five, Jimmy felt he didn’t belong in the Stewart family. He has three siblings, two older and one younger. Jimmy stood naniod compared to his siblings. He had a mop-top of blonde hair. Jimmy posses’ lavish blue eyes for a nine year old. His brother Kris is gigantic compared to him. Kris’s effervescent green eyes gave no hints of love. Jimmy’s sister Caitlin towered above him. Her capillary brown hair hung on her shoulders. Caitlin’s elusive gray eyes made Jimmy feel out of place. Even the youngest Cassandra had crinose blonde hair. She was lanky and her brown eyes were vibrant.

cassie30

Everyday brought new insults on Jimmy’s skin. Kris called him paleface at least twice a day. Jimmy decides to run away. He realizes his family doesn’t want him and Jimmy didn’t want his family either ergo he ran to his neighbors house. Mrs. Toney was surprised to him on her front porch. Jimmy begged her not to call his parents. However Mrs. Toney had to call Mrs. Stewart. After Mr. and Mrs. Toney talked with Mrs. Stewart, they found out she was looking a foster home for Jimmy. Averil Toney asked Stella why she needed a foster home for Jimmy. Well Stella said, “he was adopted and we are having trouble raising him” Armed with that information Marwin and Averil talk.

cassie30

A boy is coming down the hall and the boy looked exactly like him and he couldn’t figure out why. He stopped short and stared at Jimmy. He realized this was the boy whom always beat him up. Jonathan Toney looked at Jimmy Stewart in surprise, looking at him was like seeing himself in the mirror. At that moment Marwin and Averil walk into the foyer and step back in shock as they exchange glances.
Averil calls Stella back into the study to tell her that they will foster Jimmy for them. Stella profusely thanks Averil and Marwin for taking in Jimmy. As she leaves Stella smiles sinisterly. Stella calls back to Averil that she will draw up the necessary paper work, then she thinks to herself that damn bitch fell for the whole thing. Snickering Stella goes home to her husband Kyle. Once at home Stella tells Kyle of her victory with Averil, then her and Kyle high five each other as they think fools.
The next day Stella comes over with the necessary papers signing over hers and Kyle’s parental rights to Averil and Marwin. Averil is a tiny woman who stands no higher than a tall lamp. She has silky and shinny golden blond hair. Averil has the creamiest skin that looked light tea with cream in it and her pale hazel green eyes that shone bright when she smiled. Marwin towered over his wife by four inches. His skin is a dark as dark chocolate. He wore glasses over his dark chocolate eyes. His hair was nappy and short.
After school that same day Jimmy goes to his former house to get the rest of his clothes only to find out his “parents” changed the locks on him. He sighs and head to the Toney house where he now lives. At 527 Charleston Place Mrs. Toney is annoyed Jimmy is late getting home. Jimmy yells at his new foster mom “I got detention Okay?” Averil yells back “no it’s not ok you got detention Jimmy you jerk”. Averil quickly apologizes to Jimmy but he runs off to the room that was given to him crying.
Upon hearing Jimmy crying Averil goes to his room. Averil knocks and slowly creaks the door open and says “Jimmy do you want to talk about it.” Between sobs Jimmy nods at Averil. He wipes his face with the back of his sleeve and clears his throat. After that he begins his tale of woe: From the time I was five I knew the Stewarts adopted me. At the same time they started placing me into foster care. Within a month my “new” family would return me to my “parents”. I hated every foster home I was in and in the last five years I’ve been in 20 different foster homes yours being number 20. Jimmy sighs and then continues with his tale: Well the sad part is I don’t even want to go back to my “parents”. Averil asks then why you were in 19 foster homes before coming here. Well Jimmy said I didn’t like any of the other foster homes. Why not asks Averil? Mostly because they had these damn rules and partly because I didn’t like them. I’m nine and I want to find my real parents, but what can a nine year old do. So Averil says Marwin and I will help you find your “real” parents.
The next day the search for Jimmy’s parents begins. Averil begins the search at home the next morning since she’s on maternity leave. She begins with the hospital where Jimmy was born: He was born in Catholic Memorial Hospital on June 1, 1983 and “adopted” by Kyle and Stella Stewart on June 3, 1983. Averil wonders why that last part is italicized. Her search takes her to the hospital on March 1, 1993 and there she interviews the hospital coordinator. Averil’s interview turns up a dead end since the hospital doesn’t have records dating ten years ago because of a fire in the old maternity wing. She finds out that all the records from 1983 or before was destroyed. All the records they have are from 1984 or later. The Catholic Memorial Hospital tells Averil to check with the state of California and see with what they can come up with. After lunch at the Cranberry Juice Restaurant Averil heads for Municipal of Fresno to see if they have records of Jimmy’s birth parents.
The search at the municipal of Fresno was fruitless. They had no record of an

JP Marshall

To me, all of the periods and limited use of commas made it seem rather choppy. The first part jumps around quite a bit, too. Maybe group similar sentiments and ideas together? Maybe Jimmy didn't feel he belonged in the Stewart family, or anywhere else, and that's why he was always starting fights and liked to win - it gave him some small amount of satisfaction. Jusy opinion, mind.

I'm sorry - what is naniod? I can't find it in my dictionary or in Wiki, and the Google results just made no sense. Is it supposed to mean he's shorter? If so, why not just say so?

The top in Mop-top of brown hair is unnecessary; a mop of brown hair works well, and we know enough to assume it's on her head (ahem.)

"Jimmy posses’ lavish blue eyes for a nine year old." I think you mean he 'possesses' lavish blue eyes. Another question - aren't nine year olds allowed to have lavish blue eyes? I've seen some babies with a startling blue eye color, myself.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel I'm being told everything, not shown it or being asked to picture it.

also, I could be wrong but I don't think mixing narration with dialog works that well. If two people are in a room and you use quotations for one, I think the convention is to use them for both (and for each person's speech to be a separate paragraph, with punctuation inside the ending quotation mark). I hope you don't mind, but I took a paragraph from the third part as an example:



And so on. I did like the story, but unfortunately I found myself subconsciously fixing things here and there.

shraga

Very Choppy try to let the story flow better

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Shraga Y. Weissmann
Israel
Please comment on my humorous short story Chompers Thanks!

cassie30

thanks for youadvice i guess i shuold point out i haven't proof read it yet and i am in process of editing now

JosephB

Why post it? Here's a tip. Your writing will improve if you try to write well all the time. I can barely read the statement above. You're on a writing site.

__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor

babeonownbike

You jump back and forth between past and present tense. I agree - give your work at least a modicum of proof-reading before you post. And I heartily agree with the following advice from JosephB:

__________________
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My BFF is thesaurus.com

cassie30

again thanks for the advice but i post before i proof read to see where i need to improve. as i write this i'm in the middle of proof reading now.