r0ck0sauruzzz

This bit I've written sounds odd...

Roses; They fell from the sky. You didn't pick just one, but a dozen too many. When they wilted away one by one, your tears fell like their petals.

__________________
Too Much Caffeine Gonna Rot Ya Soul...

phurst

No it don't. I think the 'You didn't pick just one' threw me. Too many words perhaps. Visualize and then write. Overall, it doesn't make any sense.

booker41

not really.

r0ck0sauruzzz

Haha...thx a lot for advice.

__________________
Too Much Caffeine Gonna Rot Ya Soul...

Long Shot

I understand it. If you leave out the first line; "They fell from the sky "
Where does it go from there ?
Bill

Knightskye

The t in they doesn't need to be capitalized following a semicolon.

I don't think the second sentence sounds right. Maybe with some preceding details, we'd know who the character picked roses for, and why it was too many. Also, it doesn't sound grammatically correct.

"You picked not one, but a dozen too many."

That sounds better to me. What do you think?

Monkuta

The first part, "Roses; they fell from the sky." I believe it should be:

"Roses: They fell from the sky."

Because a semi-colon would be the continuation off an already started full sentence, but with a colon, you are taking a small idea and expanding it. Just a little grammar thing. I might be wrong with an eighth grade English class education.

__________________
Monkuta's Favorite Quotes: "Time is our greatest teacher. Unfortunately, it kills most of its' pupils." - Louis Hector Berlioz; "What a crazy random happenstance!" - Dr. Horrible; "Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said 'Goodbye' and you were like (deep male voice) 'NO WAY!' (normal voice) and then I was all 'We pretended we were going to murder you'? That was great!"- GLaDOS