Please critique this query letter...Thanks - Writers Forum

johnaustin · 03-31-2008, 09:37 PM

Specific Person Date
XYZ Literary Agency
000 Broadway
New York City, NY

Subject: Representation for Nonfiction Book: Havana Harvest...When Cuba Was Naughty!

Dear Specific Person,

Due to Castro’s Revolution brewing in the mountains in 1958 springtime Havana, our visiting basketball team from Key West, Florida, was forced to bunk in the city of Havana rather than on the Cuban school campus; this change of venue ignited a series of events that propelled the young players headlong into an adventurous, humorous quest and over a momentous threshold.

The Mary Immaculate High School team had ten players ranging in ages 15 to 18 years (I was 15). This trip would be our second ferry trip across the 90 mile stretch of ocean to the island country. The team consisted of native-born Key West Conchs, Cubans and navy-dependent children. Diverse personalities destined to experience a common awakening in a wide open country where anything goes. Down twisting, turning alleyways ablaze with buildings of bright pastel pinks, blues and oranges; into and out of copious clubs and drinking establishments where, for the price, anything was yours regardless of age; from the sleaziest to the swankiest bordellos just dripping with plush, creamy, young, dark-eyed beauties with points jutting out high. Raging hormones racing through bodies racing through Havana streets in anticipation of the coveted status: non-virgin-hood! The one that snitched on the rest to the nuns back at our school sets up another confrontation that further surprises toward the end of this road of discovery in Havana Harvest (approximately 53,000 words).

I wrote my master’s thesis titled: A Methods Analysis of the Air Force Engineering Management System of Total Programming and achieved limited publication for instructional purposes. In high school I penned and delivered a state-level, award-winning, American Legion-sponsored speech titled: The People’s Constitution, Ours to Defend.

I researched your agency on the AAR website.

Thank you for your valuable time in considering this query. May I send you my full proposal?

Very Sincerely,

John R. Austin

WriterJohnB · 04-01-2008, 07:29 AM

John,

This looks pretty good. At least, unlike most queries posted on this forum for review, you've got the English language working properly and it has no errors I can catch. And, best of all, it sounds like an intriguing book.

I suggest, however, you get the situation up front. "Mary Immaculate High School Basketball team plays at their finest in Havana's bordellos, as Fidel Castro's guests." A first sentence like that - a grabber. Just the idea of a catholic high students in bordellos ought to catch the interest of agent or editor. My sentence is just a suggestion, though; I'm sure you could do better. Maybe even a play on the word "basketball," which you don't often find in the same sentence as "bordello."

Hope that helps,

JohnB

johnaustin · 04-01-2008, 08:49 AM

JohnB,

Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my query! Your suggestion on getting the situation up front makes good sense. I'm going to work that. Sort of like an attention grabbing headline.

Your input was helpful,

John

johnaustin · 04-01-2008, 10:59 AM

JohnB,

How about this revision on the opening sentence?

JOHN R AUSTIN

2406 Meadowlark Lane

Pueblo, Co. 81008

(719) 542-2588

gator1965@comcast.net

Specific Person Date
XYZ Literary Agency
000 Broadway
New York City, NY

Subject: Representation for Nonfiction Book: Havana Harvest...When Cuba Was Naughty!

Dear Specific Person,

Catholic high school basketball team gets blown away by Cuban bordellos! Due to Castro’s Revolution brewing in the mountains in 1958 springtime Havana, our visiting basketball team from Key West, Florida, was forced to bunk in the city of Havana rather than on the Cuban school campus; this change of venue ignited a series of events that propelled the young players headlong into an adventurous, humorous quest and over a momentous threshold...etc, etc

John

04-01-2008, 01:07 PM

for my two cents, i preferred the first version of the letter for a non-fiction approach. your letter reads very well.

BB

WriterJohnB · 04-01-2008, 02:24 PM

Yeah, John, I'm with Bourbon. Too "hit 'em in the head with it." Especially the blown away part. Just let it be known that the virginity of Catholic schoolboys is in danger. IN the original version, you mention "basketball team," but that could mean grown men. How's this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnaustin

Dear Specific Person,

Due to Castro’s Revolution brewing in the mountains in 1958 springtime Havana, our visiting basketball team from Mary Immaculate High School was forced to bunk in the sensuous, tropical city of Havana rather than on the Cuban school campus. This change of venue ignited a series of events that propelled young boys headlong into an adventurous, humorous quest and over a momentous threshold.

johnaustin · 04-01-2008, 02:44 PM

Thanks BB and JohnB,

I think you're both right...A little too much too soon, especially with the "blown away."...It was a neat double entendre, through...

Thanks for the advice, John

411XYZ · 04-01-2008, 10:19 PM

I wonder sometimes why we have to solicit agents in such supplication. A quick look and P&E and one quickly learns that for every literary agent with a halo there are ten with horns.

What is would like to know from an agent is how can they evaluate the quality and marketability of a work based upon a query. The other thing that I would want to know is just exactly what can that agent do for me.

I have written many different queries explaining why my book would have mass appeal and great sale potential and they rarely get back to me. If you want to really know the flavor of something you really need to sample it and not read about it.

Like everything else, it is usually all about the money and rarely about the art. While your query letter is wonderfully descriptive and would certainly whet my appetite you need to ask yourself if it would pique the curiosity of a literary agent. So far I am getting the idea that these guys are not the sharpest cheddar nor the deepest thinkers.

Maybe I am naive but it seems to me that a well written book that people would enjoy reading would be what publishers would want to publish. Why do we need an agent to make that happen?

04-02-2008, 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 411XYZ

I wonder sometimes why we have to solicit agents in such supplication. A quick look and P&E and one quickly learns that for every literary agent with a halo there are ten with horns.

Why do we need an agent to make that happen?

Yep. The ones with horns do untold damage, but a good agent is definately worth working in partnership with. The fact of the matter is that some publishers/producers won't look at anything that doesn't come to them via an agent they respect. Most standard rejection letters are code for 'you're nobody so we didn't read it'. And, as its the agent's job to know what the publishers are looking for, or likely to go for, its unlikely even the most persistent writer will sell to a publisher a MS that has been rejected by several agents.

Whenever I've gone agentless, I've spent seventy-five percent of my time doing admin instead of writing. I hate admin. That said...an agent is only as good as their contact book, so better be unagented than be taken on by some chancer, just so one can drop 'my agent' into conversations!

BB

411XYZ · 04-02-2008, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BOURBON

Yep. The ones with horns do untold damage, but a good agent is definately worth working in partnership with. The fact of the matter is that some publishers/producers won't look at anything that doesn't come to them via an agent they respect. Most standard rejection letters are code for 'you're nobody so we didn't read it'. And, as its the agent's job to know what the publishers are looking for, or likely to go for, its unlikely even the most persistent writer will sell to a publisher a MS that has been rejected by several agents.

Whenever I've gone agentless, I've spent seventy-five percent of my time doing admin instead of writing. I hate admin. That said...an agent is only as good as their contact book, so better be unagented than be taken on by some chancer, just so one can drop 'my agent' into conversations!

BB

So far I have encounter what I think is arrogance. I am of the mind set that "markets drive production" so with that in mind I would think that an agent of a publisher would have the expertise as to what is hot. I am/was under the impression that an agent can provide some guidance in that area. From everything I have looked at it seems that currently the hot genres are Si Fi and erotica. The problem is I don't want to write that stuff.

I probably am a bit naive but I would think that any work that people enjoy reading or are glad they read is something a publisher would want to publish. Is there any other criteria?

Here is what I would change on John Austin's query.

I wrote my master’s thesis titled: A Methods Analysis of the Air Force Engineering Management System of Total Programming and achieved limited publication for instructional purposes. In high school I penned and delivered a state-level, award-winning, American Legion-sponsored speech titled: The People’s Constitution, Ours to Defend.

I researched your agency on the AAR website. (I would exclude that. because it is not important and because this may be the beginning of a relationship with potentially a sleazy agency or publisher it maybe better for them not to know what you know or believe about them.)
Thank you for your valuable time in considering this query. (This sounds too much like ass kissing. Deal with them from a position of strength) Instead say thank you for your consideration.

May I send you my full proposal? (When would you like me to send my full proposal?)

Very Sincerely, (Sincerely)

John R. Austin

04-02-2008, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 411XYZ

I would think that any work that people enjoy reading or are glad they read is something a publisher would want to publish. Is there any other criteria?

Sorry to say that the main two I am aware of are £ and $.

BB

johnaustin · 04-02-2008, 03:43 PM

My thanks to 411XYZ and Bourbon,

From all that I have researched and heard about agents, you guys seem right on...However, I guess you have to play the hand you've been delt regarding agents and finding a good one. Perhaps "agent arrogance" is what has ballooned the self-publishing industry in recent years. But, you really want to be able to find that good agent and let the publishing world work the way it should for you, right?

I am a novice in this publishing politics business and that's why I wrote my query letter based on a book I researched about preparing such letters and book proposals. The book I think is a good book titled: How to Sell, Then Write Your Nonfiction Book by Blythe Camenson...If you guys have read it, or are familiar with the author, what is your opinion?

At any rate can either of you guys recommend a decent agent/agency for me to query about my type of book? I have not queried any agent at this point...I have researched agents' web sites and The Writer's Market and have started a list of possible agents...I could sure use some insightful help here

Thanks, John