opening of a new story im writing - Writers Forum

salmon the creative · 03-27-2008, 05:19 PM

those of you with a keen pair of eyes will know im already writing helix spire asnd i havent given up on that - i never will. But im also going to be writing something else whilst writing that and so here is an opening id like you to critique...

The woman knelt down beside a hole in her back garden. The small cravice was merely a meter in diameter and would only just fit her frame through it. The deep pit beneath it showed no floor and she was afraid that if she dropped herself through it, she would never find a way of returning back up. Her pondering thoughts, however, did not have time to go any further when she heard a gruff fumbling sound behind her. She could not see who it was or why he was in her property as a gentle push forced her over the edge and into the tunnel. The light faded and as she looked up at the opening, a lid was put over the top...

all comments welcome

Sam Winchester · 03-27-2008, 05:25 PM

The woman knelt down beside a hole in her back garden. The small cravice (crevice) was merely a meter (if you are from the UK and using English as opposed to American-English, this should be 'metre') in diameter (the same doesn't apply here) and would only just fit her frame through it. The deep pit beneath it showed no floor and she was afraid that if she dropped herself through it, she would never find a way of returning back up. Her pondering thoughts, however, did not have time to go any further when she heard a gruff fumbling sound behind her. She could not see who it was or why he was in her property as a gentle push forced her over the edge and into the tunnel. The light faded(,) and as she looked up at the opening, a lid was put over the top...

all comments welcome[/quote]

It's a little too short for me to really give you a good feedback, but so far I liked it. I would read on. I would advise that you give your character a name. Some picky people might say 'well, I don't know anything about her, so I don't care if she falls down a hole'. Hope this helps.

Sam.

salmon the creative · 03-27-2008, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Winchester

The woman knelt down beside a hole in her back garden. The small cravice (crevice) was merely a meter (if you are from the UK and using English as opposed to American-English, this should be 'metre') in diameter (the same doesn't apply here) and would only just fit her frame through it. The deep pit beneath it showed no floor and she was afraid that if she dropped herself through it, she would never find a way of returning back up. Her pondering thoughts, however, did not have time to go any further when she heard a gruff fumbling sound behind her. She could not see who it was or why he was in her property as a gentle push forced her over the edge and into the tunnel. The light faded(,) and as she looked up at the opening, a lid was put over the top...

all comments welcome

It's a little too short for me to really give you a good feedback, but so far I liked it. I would read on. I would advise that you give your character a name. Some picky people might say 'well, I don't know anything about her, so I don't care if she falls down a hole'. Hope this helps.

Sam.
[/quote]

hehe i guess some people would complain if they didnt know about her

So is my spelling of meter as apposed to metre incorrect? The whole england and american ways of spelling specific words confuses me lol

Sam Winchester · 03-27-2008, 05:33 PM

It did for me at the beginning too. When I first started writing (and didn't have a clue about spelling) my Microsoft Word was set on English - US. I started spelling all the words the way Americans do - e.g. color instead of colour. Organize instead of organise. Now I've pretty much reversed that, but it's taken time. Don't worry, I'll keep you right!

To answer your question: yes, your spelling is incorrect. The English spelling is 'metre'.

Sam.

salmon the creative · 03-27-2008, 05:36 PM

ok thanks

i always get them confused. its the same in science with "sulphur" and "sulfur" i ALWAYS get them confused lol

thx for the comments even tho it was short...

Sam Winchester · 03-27-2008, 06:01 PM

'Sulfur' is the US spelling. 'Sulphur' is English.

Sam.

Wadatrip · 03-28-2008, 12:28 AM

I liked it. It kept my attention, and at this time of the night, that says a lot. One of the things I would change: ...if she dropped herself through it, she would...

Consider dropping the "it" from the sentence. Read it aloud and see if it flows better.

Take care

salmon the creative · 03-28-2008, 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wadatrip

I liked it. It kept my attention, and at this time of the night, that says a lot. One of the things I would change: ...if she dropped herself through it, she would...

Consider dropping the "it" from the sentence. Read it aloud and see if it flows better.

Take care

yeah i didnt realise about the possibility of dropping "it" and i guess when i look through it again it doesn't really contribute to the flow...

Thanks fo contributing