didi768

Started a book that I would love your opinion on before I try to find an agent. Here is a little of it.
Move Over Ann Landers

What can I say? I am bored stiff. I have lots to do and no ambition to do it. I’m physically exhausted. I love to read and like to write but I’ve wracked my brain trying to think of what genre to use, agonized over plots and zany characters and I’m just plain worn out, not to mention I have too many health problems to count on one hand and I’m only 38 years old. I have three wonderful boys and a grateful husband and a lot to say. Did I mention that I’m a nurse too part time? Well I am. So there.
I decided to open a type of DEAR ABBY/ANN LANDERS kind of business where other bored, sick of themself mothers could write to me. I finally let men in too, as if they had any rights.
I don’t have a psychology degree or a license to spout off. I do however have lots of experience with feelings, life, motherhood, and emotions to share.
I will start with my first letter, and go from there…in order of deliverance to my mailbox. Let me know how I’m doing. Here goes nothin’…
Dear Lonely,
Thank you for taking my call, I mean, reading my letter… that is if you really do. Sounds like you’re depressed yourself. Are you? Anyway…
Hold on a second, I’ve got an ankle biter wanting a God- damned graham cracker. Ok, I’m back. My 9 month old won’t stop touching me. I’ve had it with her. I need to get out of this house before I burn it down. Here’s my problem (and please don’t tell anyone…mums the word.)
About a month after my little Jessica was born I started having these incredible urges to turn on a lamp and put her face up to it, real close, until it made her squirm. I do it for a second and then stop, feeling so guilty. What the hell is wrong with me? ---Feeling guilty in Illinois

Dear Guilty,
God you’re sick. And you should feel guilty. Get your sorry ass to a shrink. You’ve got that post-partum disease…THAT POOR BABY! How would you like it? Think about that for a minute.
Starting today, stop doing it. Tell her mommy is sorry and you won’t do it again. Write me next week and let me know how it all turns out. Good luck weirdo.

So that was my first letter. Not bad advice on my part if you ask me, or was I too hard on her? I’m glad I’m not that screwed up. I mean, I might be tired of kids and a cat that constantly walks between my legs when I’m in a hurry but man! Get a life dude-ette.
So life does go on. I decided to dust on Thursday because my mom is coming to visit from Minnesota; the land of too many lakes to keep straight! But…back to the dust. What is the point in dusting if you are just moving the particles around? They WILL come back. Plus I have asthma so that should be my ticket out of that chore. But I’ll do it for mom. She has more allergies than I do. God knows my lazy kids won’t help out bless their souls. I hate to make them do any work around here because they might resent me when they get older. I haven’t anything better to do anyway so…Oh, I got a new part time job in home health care as a nurse. Wish me luck. I’ll still be responding to every letter you send so don’t let that stop you.

August 14th, 2003
Dear Lonely,
I need your advice badly. My brother is married to a real whacko that runs around naked in front of her kids and takes stupid pictures of them while she is naked. She believes in family nudity and does not see a thing wrong with traveling buck-naked through the house. I’m worried sick about my nephews. I’m sure my brother knows she does these things but he is scared of her, so I’m sure he says nothing to her about it. Her family has no morals either so maybe it just rubbed off on her but I don’t think it is appropriate in the least. Is there anything I can do? -----Appalled in GA.

Dear appalled:
Whoa. Buck-naked huh? Gross. Those poor kids, is right. Well, here is my advice: Call her up and disguise your voice, cause if you’re like me you’re probably too chicken to confront her face- to-face anyway. Tell her you are one of her sons’ friends’ mother and that your sontold his whole class about it at show and tell, minus the show part, and that he started crying hysterically and is really embarrassed to have a mom like her. Maybe then it will stop. I know her type because I had a sister-in-law like that and I’d kill her too if I lived near her because I surely wouldn’t mind spending some quality time in prison where I can get some sleep for Christ sakes. Not to mention nutritious meals served to me from all 8-food groups. Let me know how it goes and good luck to ya.


August 17th—
Dear Caroline: I hope your column is going to be a hit. We need some quality advice in this great country of ours. Anyhoo. My damn dog is why I’m calling. If he doesn’t stop humping my leg in front of guests I’m going to tie him up outside to the clothesline pole and take my 7 year old’s RED RIDER BB gun and shoot him in the ass. But then my neighbors might see me and call the police and I don’t need that on my record. What would you do? ---pissed off in Maryland.

Dear pissed off:
It’s actually better than being pissed on if you know what I mean, and if you have sons, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Thank you for the letter. You didn’t shoot the dog yet did you? I’m not sure what to tell you being my dog does the same thing to me. I just kick him in the chops and tell him to go lie down until the next time it happens. Then I just do it again using a few choice words. That should take care of it for a while anyways cause I don’t think dogs like to be kicked. If that doesn’t work, take him to the Vet. Let him handle it. He went to school for that kind of stuff. Maybe he could put him to sleep. Bye-bye doggie.
Love, Lonley


As you can see the letters started to pour in. Slowly, but surely they did come. I took a few days off from reading and answering mail but then it started to pile up a tad so I dummied up and dived in again. My house is still a mess and all I want to do is sleep. I do what I need to do for the most part, but no more. The kids get fed, clothes washed, and dishes done but that’s about it. I love to read but barely find the time now that I have two real jobs. I’m even getting letters from dads now. Here’s one of them. Enjoy.

October 4th
Dear Lonely,
I found out about you from someone at work but I beg you not to tell my wife I wrote you or she’ll kill me. It’s actually about her. We do have kids, but my beef is with her I guess. God I hope she don’t read your column or I’m dead meat.
Here is the problem: She keeps coming on to me every night before bed. I don’t mind that part really but I notice that she is not brushing her teeth or something first. She always has pieces of food stuck between her teeth and it really grosses me out, to the point where kissing her is making my stomach turn. I do turn my head when I see those lips coming, but she forces me to turn her way. She wants the open mouth kind of kisses and I just want to gag. How do I tell her this? Or should I not mention it? I can’t go on like this. ----Desperate in Ohio

Dearest Desperate—
First let me thank you for writing me. My first male victim. Love it. Please tell your friends about me. As far as the wife goes…geeze that’s a tough one. You could tell her you just had a root canal and cannot open your mouth at ALL, but then how would you eat? Is she a good cook? You didn’t say. Better yet, stay out of the bedroom if that is the main place she is doing this. Oh, and make sure to leave the dental floss out by the sink and put up a note on the mirror telling how important good dental hygiene is with regular brushing etc. Maybe she’ll get the hint. Or leave her toothbrush out on the counter…right next to the floss and paste. Oh, and meant to ask you, how the hell do you know she doesn’t brush? Do you feel her toothbrush bristles or something? Geesh. Well, you asked for it I guess.
Love, Lonely

There is more if you want to read more.

lin

My estimation: it's a possible.

Plus points--it's chick-lit and web-based. Easy to put together.

Minus points--for me, it doesn't really sparkle like Irma Brombeck or Molly Ivins. But it's worth trying.

This is non-fiction (presumbably) so you will hit the agent with a proposal, not the whole work. Look around the net for templates or guides to proposals.

Don't sell your "platform" short. Phd in psych not required. What you have might be better: a website with a following. (You here them talk about what a "platform" is, but what it really means is "some sort of guarantee that there are people out there who might buy this damned thing"

If I were you I wouldn't bother with agents (they're a bunch of stuckup Manhattan bitches, anyway) Go stright to small publishers that specialize in this sort of thing. Citadel line at Kensington strikes me right off. Also go down Duotrope searching for presses that specialize in humor. Google your butt off, find books like this and the publisher. Amazon is great for that.

Get your proposal together and immaculize it. Put the business end (without the samples you will include with it) up here, on absolutewrite.com, etc. Get it super-together, then shotgun it out there. Read the submission page for each press. Hit all the email accepters first. Screw those dorks who only read hard copies, in fact.

I would spend some MAJOR time on a better title. For one thing, Ann is a trademark. For another it's deriviative and not that catchy. Look at published titles in this genre and think in those terms. Working titles aren't cut in stone anyway, but you want one that nails them right off the bat.

"Dear Abby My Ass" is the idea, but that probably won't fly either.

""Hey, Ho!" sounds good (Dan Savage did really good with "Hey, Faggot") Just kidding, but THINK ATTITUDE

Scan your material for a cool title. "Get A life, Dudette" "Buck Naked Wacko: Please Advise"

Good luck

__________________

starseed

Just curious, where do you plan on going with this?
You said a book, but what type of book. I guess what Im asking, is there going to be some type of general plot that builds from the fact this woman started this advice column? (such as I dunno..for example, corresponding with the same person again and again and hearing their story, or recieving stalker or threatening letters, or any other scenerio)What is the rise and fall and conflict of the story? Or is it just going to be a list of the different letters?

Im not sure I can really critique until I know more. Basically I think books that are in different formats, such as letters, diary entries, are very interesting to read, but there has to be a strong plot to keep interested.

Hope that helps, Id like to know more. Interesting idea.

edit- this is fiction right? You dont actually have a column do you? lol sorry if thats a dumb question, I thought it was all made up, but then when I re-read it I wasnt sure if you were just writing from your real life.