Climax of a short storie - Writers Forum

kaytea111 · 03-26-2008, 04:06 PM

This was an english assignment. I am suppose to write the climax of the short story I plotted out. Advice will be well appriciated.

"I just can't date you, okay?" Cloe sofly says as she hold the phone to her mouth, "You've dated almost every girl, you have sex way too much and I don't know."
"Do you like me or not?" Nate firmly questions, "Cloe?"
Its only six o'clock and its gettin darker by the minute outside. The snow is falling gracefully on the once green grass. London can be an odd city at times; the centre of the city collapsed- downtown. Her heart sank like the centre of London when he asked her.
"I do, but I just can not bring myself to do so," Cloe said.
"Well, I like you too. I am not like any of your old boyfriends. I will treat you like you need to be treated. I had alot of girlfriends and thats because I am looking for the one; you might be it," Nate was on a role, "All my ex-girlfriends are "loose" and I really like you, Cloe."
Cloe had a lump in her throat. She did not know what to say. He was a good friend and possibly more but Cloe had to stick to her morals. She was not going to give, not just yet.
"I need to think about it; I do not know."
"You troll."Nate says and hangs up the phone.
Cloe thinks about it. Nate has no right what-so-ever to call her that. Cloe is infuriated, and angry. She debates whether to call him back or not. Is he really worth it?
Cloe picks up the phone, takes a drink of water and slowly dials his number. She pauses between each number and wonders if she should continue dialing.
"What do you want now?" Nate impatiently says.
"Are you going to hear me out or not?" Cloe firmly askes, "And you have no right to call me a troll."
Nate does not want to hear her out, he just wants an answer- yes or no. Cloe can't give it to him, it just is not fair.
"I am not apoligizing if that's what your asking for," says Nate.
Cloe questions him: Why he acts like he does? Why he has sex with so many girls? Why does he lie?.
"My father ran off with some chick, now he is knocking girls up. My mom has a new boyfriend every two weeks, I watch her as they treat her like crap. Cloe, I will never treat you like that. I have learned from that," Nate argues back,"And the girls ask me for sex. I don't care if you want to or not. But they ask me; they come to me. So I'm like 'Whatever.'"
Cloe looks out her window again as she is taking all this in. She again, notices how the snow flakes are collecting on the ground. She peaceful and out of harms way- simple. Why can't life be like that?Why can't love be like that? She remembers that snow gets stepped on. Even the most beautiful thing gets ruined and hurt sooner or later.
Cloe gives in and says yes, she does not know why. She knows it will end soon and their once great friendship will forever be ruined.

Sam Winchester · 03-26-2008, 05:23 PM

"I just can't date you, okay?" Cloe sofly says as she hold the phone to her mouth, "You've dated almost every girl, you have sex way too much and I don't know." (Firstly, shouldn't the name be 'Chloe?' Second, dialogue tags should be avoided like the plague; i.e. 'Chloe softly says. Thirdly, omit the comma after 'mouth' and put a full stop in instead. And finally, after 'way too much' put a comma)
"Do you like me or not?" Nate firmly questions,(.) "Cloe?"
Its only six o'clock and it(')s gettin darker by the minute outside. The snow is falling gracefully on the once green grass. London can be an odd city at times; the centre of the city collapsed- downtown. Her heart sank like the centre of London when he asked her.
"I do, but I just can not bring myself to do so," Cloe said. (You're basically saying, 'I do but I don't'. This doesn't make much sense.
"Well, I like you too. I am not like any of your old boyfriends. I will treat you like you need to be treated. I had alot (a lot) of girlfriends and that(')s because I am looking for the one; you might be it," Nate was on a role,(.) "All my ex-girlfriends are "loose(,)" and I really like you, Cloe."
Cloe had a lump in her throat. She did not know what to say. He was a good friend and possibly more(,) but Cloe had to stick to her morals. She was not going to give, not just yet.
"I need to think about it; I do not know."
"You troll."(Space)Nate says and hangs up the phone.
Cloe thinks about it. Nate has no right what-so-ever to call her that. Cloe is infuriated, and angry. She debates whether to call him back or not. Is he really worth it?
Cloe picks up the phone, takes a drink of water(,) and slowly dials his number. She pauses between each number and wonders if she should continue dialing.
"What do you want now?" Nate impatiently (dialogue tag again) says.
"Are you going to hear me out or not?" Cloe firmly askes,(.) "And you have no right to call me a troll."
Nate does not want to hear her out, he just wants an answer- yes or no. Cloe can't give it to him, (; or .) it just is not fair.
"I am not apoligizing if that's what your asking for,(?)" says Nate.
Cloe questions him: Why he acts like he does? Why he has sex with so many girls? Why does he lie?.
"My father ran off with some chick, now he is knocking girls up. My mom has a new boyfriend every two weeks, I watch her as they treat her like crap. Cloe, I will never treat you like that. I have learned from that," Nate argues back,(. And)"And the girls ask me for sex. I don't care if you want to or not. But they ask me; they come to me. So I'm like 'Whatever.'"
Cloe looks out her window again as she is taking all this in. She again, notices how the snow flakes are collecting on the ground. She (So?) peaceful and out of harm(')s way- simple. Why can't life be like that?(space)Why can't love be like that? She remembers that snow gets stepped on. Even the most beautiful thing gets ruined and hurt sooner or later.
Cloe gives in and says yes, (.) (S)he does not know why. She knows it will end soon and their once great friendship will forever be ruined.

You have a slight problem of knowing how and when to use proper periods. Nothing a little research can't handle, though. I recommend a book called The Elments of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White. It is an excellent book for honing all writing skills. Another problem is also knowing where to use apostrophes. I noticed that you don't use them at all. Examples: that's, in harm's way, etc... That book will help you rectify that.

Now for your writing: It's mostly dialogue. There isn't any prose. I know it's only an English assignment, but nevertheless, it isn't a script for a movie. Add a little prose now and again. Give us some background on Cloe (or Chloe if that's the case). Furthermore, why would any girl go with a guy who has a reputation of being a womaniser? I don't know, maybe they would. If so, give us a more detailed reason other than they are friends.

Is the story supposed to end abruptly like that? I mean, her just giving up, after promising herself seconds earlier that she wouldn't; not yet, at least. Why the sudden change of heart? There are lots of things there that don't really make sense. Anyway, I wish you good luck with it.

Sam.

kaytea111 · 03-26-2008, 06:38 PM

hey, thanks for the edit

its just the climax. there isnt suppose to be much background and there is more end to it, but i wasnt suppose to write that.

lol