setting the scene - Writers Forum

animator · 03-25-2008, 04:27 PM

this is a start of a story I am planning on writing
please tell me what you think

A mist shrouded the muddy path. Trees covered most of the moonlight and the bats silenced the area as they circled the twinkling skies. The warriors entered the forest on toe but killed with fire in their eyes. They climbed down from the branches on trees and crawled under the grass. Their spears gripped tightly across the skin of their hands as the splinters blistered bare palms. But when blood was spilt it was from the necks of the barbarians. Three men dressed in black called themselves the ninja leaders and they attacked swiftly and silently.
“The men risk their own life’s for their loved ones, don’t kill the women or children. We came only from the scroll” the ninjas retreated back into the shadows.
The barbarians knew it was over for them
all comments are welcome

salmon the creative · 03-25-2008, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by animator

this is a start of a story I am planning on writing
please tell me what you think

A mist shrouded the muddy path. Trees covered most of the moonlight and the bats silenced the area as they circled the twinkling skies. The warriors entered the forest on toe(i would suggest changing this to 'foot' but it seems fine as it is now) but killed with fire in their eyes. They climbed down from the branches on trees(this need not be here) and crawled under the grass. Their spears gripped tightly across the skin of their hands as the splinters blistered bare palms. But when blood was spilt it was from the necks of the barbarians. Three men dressed in black called themselves the ninja leaders and they attacked swiftly and silently.
“The men risk their own life’s(should be live's...i think) for their loved ones, don’t kill the women or children. We came only from the scroll” the ninjas retreated back into the shadows.
The barbarians knew it was over for them
all comments are welcome

just a few things i thought should have been altered/changed etc. but apart from that, its a nice, clear and concise opening

Centurion · 03-25-2008, 05:26 PM

Hi animator. Your piece has a few contradictions in it.

1. Trees covered the moonlight... Maybe shrouded out the moonlight. or covered the moon?
2. and the bats silenced the area.. not sure how they do this?
3. crawled under the grass...crawled through the grass?
4. as the splinters blistered bare palms...splinters don`t cause blisters, rubbing does.

I would suggest going into a lot more detail. Maybe a scene of introduction, a scene of the ninjas creeping up and then a fight scene. Give it a lot more depth.

Hope this helps.

regards

Paul

desm · 03-26-2008, 08:10 AM

I think it would be better if they entered "on foot", toe doesn't really work...

Quote:

The men risk their own life’s for their loved ones

Should read: "The men risk their own lives for their loved ones"
And could read, cutting down on words: "The men risk their lives for their loved ones" - You don't need "own" as you've already said who the lives belong to.

Quote:

Three men dressed in black called themselves the ninja leaders and they attacked swiftly and silently.

To me, "ninja leaders" sounds kind of corny. I think you could probably just avoid calling them that, and keep the sentence in about the ninjas retreating, because then the reader still gets to know they're ninjas.