Short Piece - How does it read? - Writers Forum

JohnnyBones · 03-24-2008, 09:15 PM

Hey folks, this is a piece from a novel I'm attempting. This excerpt is the last thing I wrote and will appear probably about 80 pages in. Any critique would be greatly appreciated!

Back story needed: Jack, the main character, and Benny are best friends--about 24 years old each. It's already established that Benny's biggest flaw is his angry outburts towards anyone that looks twice at his woman, Madeline.

Just before this, a chapter ended with Jack realizing that he has feelings for his best friend's woman.

Thanks again...

It was an impetous and dynamic conflict that grew in him. It was something that went unpredicted until its moment of realization. Even then, it was something he denied to himself. Something he tried to tuck away into one of the darker folds of his mind. Something he didn’t want to deal with because he knew how dangerous and how lasting a wrong decision could be. He also knew, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, that he’d have to confront it sooner than later.

In Jack’s mind, Madeline had always been simply Benny’s girlfriend. Nothing more. Nothing less. There may have been a few vague moments where she surfaced as a friend to Jack, but those times often went unacknowledged. Jack always had a firm and solid line drawn between his own place in the world, and hers. That line could never be crossed.

Or perhaps it could be.

The aftermath of such a mistake was filled with great uncertainty. He knew Benny loved him as a friend, and was almost positive that nothing could be so harrowing, and so damaging that their friendship could be collapse like an aging building. It was a strong foundation that would require a mighty blow to devastate. The fear, to Jack, was that this recent development may bare the force necessary for the ultimate destruction of a storied and stable friendship.

The thought made him shudder in his seat.

He looked up to Benny like no other person on the planet—including his mother, and obviously his father. To take that stability and replace it with vengeful hostility would be devastating.

Yes, their friendship was forged with history and loyalty, but only a fool would dance on such forbidden territories, regardless of what had transpired in the past. Madeline was, is, and always would be a fountain that only Benny could drink from. A fountain that Benny protected without prejudice. She was a relic that Benny proudly wore around his neck, and always kept a feverish eye on, even somehow as he slept.

“What the hell am I going to do?” He whispered to himself. He sat there in silence as his question went unanswered.

His feelings for Madeline were real. They were feelings that blossomed with such ambition and such sudden ferocity that he knew any attempt to sweep them under the rug would lost in futility.

How could this happen to him?

It was at this precise moment that an image of Madeline’s alluring gaze painted his only thoughts, and with that he offered up smile and a sudden feeling of comfort.

This warm departure lingered for only seconds before being thwarted by the menacing conjurations of Benny Maston, acting with rage and dictated by his own scornful pride.

Jocelyn · 03-25-2008, 08:19 AM

Johnny,
This is well-crafted and makes for a smooth read. The inner turmoil and indecision is completely clear, so I feel like I am in Jack's head without having read anymore than this.

If anything, the scales are just slightly off balance. You use several paragraphs to describe the potential destruction to the friendship, but only a few sentences to describe why he might be willing to take the risk. I think you could easily condense these quoted paragraphs and incorporate them into the prose above. That way you will take the action from him shuddering---> to him wondering what he is going to do---> to him thinking about Madeline. That progression seems more cohesive.

Quote:

He looked up to Benny like no other person on the planet—including his mother, and obviously his father. To take that stability and replace it with vengeful hostility would be devastating.

Yes, their friendship was forged with history and loyalty, but only a fool would dance on such forbidden territories, regardless of what had transpired in the past. Madeline was, is, and always would be a fountain that only Benny could drink from. A fountain that Benny protected without prejudice. She was a relic that Benny proudly wore around his neck, and always kept a feverish eye on, even somehow as he slept.

I would be interested in reading what he decides.

WriterJohnB · 03-25-2008, 08:52 AM

I agree, this is good. You['re writing in POV, however, and getting into the character's head. He seems pretty formal in his thoughts, but I'm assuming that's "in character." I don't know of anyone who thinks "transpired" instead of "happened," though.

I had problems with this sentence in several ways:

It was at this precise moment that an image of Madeline’s alluring gaze painted his only thoughts, and with that he offered up smile and a sudden feeling of comfort.

"painted his ONLY thoughts" and "offered up smile" are problematic. Also precise is redundant. if you say "this moment."

I would suggest

At this moment Madeline's alluring gaze entered his thoughts. He smiled at the sudden feeling of comfort.

dhyre · 03-25-2008, 09:06 AM

Wow - I really like the way you have written this piece and the amount of adjectives that have been piled into it. I have a few suggestions. Although, I really like your style and if any of these don't fit with that, I wouldn't change it.

"Nothing more. Nothing less." - I would separate with a comma rather than a period. Not that I am an expert or and English teacher or anything. But when being read aloud, I would think those two need to stay together in the same phrase.

"Jack always had a firm and solid line drawn between his own place in the world, and hers. That line could never be crossed." - Now that this "line" is disintegrating on his side anyways, you might want to indicate that Jack 'thought' that line had always existed although now its lack of existence has become clear to him.... or something like that.

"A fountain that Benny protected without prejudice. She was a relic that Benny proudly wore around his neck, and always kept a feverish eye on, even somehow as he slept." I think you could cut some fat here because you have a lot of comparisons going on (I know there is a word that I am forgetting right now, homonyms maybe?) Maybe it could look like: "A fountain that Benny protected without prejudice, and always kept a feverish eye on, even somehow as he slept"

"under the rug would lost in futility" - how about "under the rug would be lost in futility"?

Yet again, this is a really strong peice, just needed to be suited up a bit. I enjoyed reading it. Good Job!

dhyre

JohnnyBones · 03-25-2008, 09:53 AM

Thanks so much to all the comments. After I posted this, I came back and read and thought there was something that bothered me about it, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

I can definitely see how a little paragraph reforming would help it flow and help tighten it up as well as just rewriting a few sloppy sentences.

As for the POV comment--you bring up a good point. I didn't want these things to come off has literally "his" thoughts, but more of an omniscient narrarator describing "his" thoughts.

Does that make sense?

didi768 · 03-26-2008, 07:22 PM

I really like this as-is.
Keep it up!

starseed · 03-26-2008, 08:02 PM

Im certainly no expert on anything, Im just a beginning writer myself.
All I know is what I like, and what I dont liked, and I liked this.
Especially considering I have no background to the beginning of the story, who the characters are (besides what you wrote in this chapter, of course). This was my favorite part:

"His feelings for Madeline were real. They were feelings that blossomed with such ambition and such sudden ferocity that he knew any attempt to sweep them under the rug would lost in futility."

I love how you paint that feeling of being completely powerless to falling in love, and the intensity with which it can come on and knock you off your feet. This paragraph was perfect, IMO, and would make me read on.

The only thing I could say is while reading it, Im quite curious to hear more about this Madelline, she sounds divine. Id like to know more about her.

Great job.

JohnnyBones · 03-27-2008, 12:02 AM

Thanks for the kind words.