Nataanii

William Matthews, his pregnant wife Jennifer and their two children
Mallory-seventeen and Daria-six have a perfect life--until the day
Jennifer is killed in a car crash. As William grieves, he begins planning his
wife`s funeral just hours after her death. As he copes with his grief,
he finds comfort in Isabella, Jennifer`s estranged and psychotic
sister. She slowly works her way into William`s life by taking advantage of
his vulnerability.

As William spends more time with Isabella, he finds
himself strongly attracted to her. He feels enormous guilt about this as
he still feels committed to Jennifer. Despite this, William acts on
his feelings with Isabella, causing him to isolate himself in sadness. As
he visits Jennifer`s grave seeking forgiveness, he is visited by
Jennifer in a dream. She offers him her forgiveness but also tells him that
it`s ok to move on with his life now that she`s gone, but she warns him
to stay as far away as possible from Isabella.

Under loyalty to his wife, William tells Isabella, he no longer wants to have dealings with her. This is where her psychotic instincts kick in. Despite William constantly telling Isabella he no longer wants to see her, she begins calling him day and night, she stalks him at home and tells lies to his boss which causes him to lose his job.

When William reports her activity to the police, they encourage
him to file a stay away order against her, but that does little to scare
Isabella away. Isabella takes her rage to a new level when she kidnaps
Mallory`s boyfriend and slaughters him with an icepick. She even goes
so far as to kidnap Mallory and Daria after school, only to return them
to William four hours later to a frightened William who has her
arrested on sight. When William finds out from investigators' that the cause
of Jennifer`s crash was due to her brakes giving out, he is suprised,
mainly because William hadn`t had problems with his brakes the day
before his crash, he becomes shocked when he discovers that Isabella has escaped from police custody.

Isabella becomes determined to set a new meaning to the phrase "if I can`t have you, no one else can," when she travels to William`s
house one night while he`s out. In what turns out to be an all night
terror fest, Isabella attacks William`s children and bounds them up to
their beds. When William returns, he finds his wife`s favorite flowers
on his doorstep--white roses covered in blood. He knows they`re from
Isabella. He goes inside and discovers his children and immediately makes
an attempt to flee the house, but he gets attacked by Isabella.

To send more pain and anger his way, Isabella drags Daria to the basement with Mallory and William following along. Immediately, Mallory and William
discover Mallory`s boyfriend`s dead body. With pleading from William
and Isabella`s revelation to him that she`s Jennifer`s sister and that
she fixed Jennifer`s brakes, Isabella stabs Daria in the chest before
fleeing the house to escape. As William watches his daughter die, his mind snaps and he goes into a blind rage. After sending Mallory to the police station for help, William goes out searching for Isabella and finds her at her house, preparing to skip town.

William and Isabella have a final showdown as they begin a physical battle against each other. Despite William`s built stature, he finds Isabella winning the fight, but as the struggle carries on into the living room, William grabs a hold of a fireplace polk and manages to stab her in the neck, killing her within seconds.

As a year passes, William and Mallory try to stabilize their lives after the deaths of Jennifer and Daria by moving out of their town, but as they visit Jennifer and Daria`s grave and surround their tombstones with roses one final time, they realize despite them moving on, they will never forget the pain and loss that changed their lives forever.

Nataanii

I hope its good...or at least ok.

Hobo

I dunno how much to offer to that. You have a good solid vision of the story. How ever I did just want to interject this little bit. God damn that's intense. If the entire story is invigorated by that sheer raw emotional intensity it'll be heart breaking and hard to put down.

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Hobotastic!

IrishLad

It's a solid story, and seems you've thought it out well. It sounds a little like a cross between the movie "The Crush" and "Hand that Rocks the Cradle," but with enough difference to make it worthwhile.

I wish you luck with it.

Cheers

Nataanii

Thank you, but do you think it could be marketable? Does it sound like a great plot?

Nataanii

I could use some more critiques people!!!!! LOL

Necromortis

Write to write. Not to market.

Also, patience is a virtue. You're not going to get everyone commenting in less than one day. I'll get to it (currently at school), but just wait for a few man.

~Christian

Jenny

Awww, sounds so sad. Poor guy. I think its interesting that this story has the male as the victim. Usually plots like this always have the female as the victim. I like this change. Great job. =) I only have one nitpick:

He goes inside and discovers his children and immediately makes
an attempt to flee the house, but he gets attacked by Isabella.

I don't know if maybe you meant that he tried to flee with his children, but this sentence comes off as him fleeing without his children. I find that highly unbelievable. I can't imagine that a devoted single father would actually leave his children in such a condition simply to save his own skin. I would imagine the father running in to rescue his children, not fleeing away without them. That one sentence turns him from a hero figure to a cowardly figure and I immediately lose respect for him. If you meant that he tried to flee with the children, perhaps you should rephrase it so it comes off like that. Just a note. =)

Otherwise, very interesting. Good luck with the writing!

Hobo

I'm not sure where you're at but books could always be marketed to someone. In a movie sense I would actually say yes. Recently there have been a rash of movies killing children for shock value which previously had never blatantly happened. So yes it could be marketable.

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Hobotastic!

Samdaman

that sounds like a pretty good story outline, its got suspense and plot twists to it, and i felt exicted by reading the synopsys alone.

Nataanii

Thanks you all! The name of this novel...I'm thinking of it being---Bloody Roses.

WriterJohnB

I'm assuming you're not asking for the general critique you've been getting, but how an agent or editor might view this. I'll try.

First off, William is the subject, so lose the two kids at this point. "Have a perfect life--until" is a cliche. You don't need to say "the day" she died, everyone dies on a "day." William Matthew expects his nice life to go on forever--until his wife, Jennifer is killed in a car crash. Grief stricken, he finds comfort in Jen's estranged and psychotic sister, who slowly works her way into his life by taking advantage of his vulnerability.

That's all you need in the first paragraph. Prune the rest, too. Editors don't want their time (= money, remember) wasted with wordiness. Get to the point.

Next you have a lot of "as" and "when" which are as anathematic to a synopsis as "then" and "next" are to a novel. Use them very sparingly.

"mind snaps" is another cliche.

Worse, you haven't done your proofreading, i.e.: only to return them
to William four hours later to a frightened William who has her
arrested on sight. Also "a stay away order." It's called a restraining order. A "fireplace polk" is a fireplace poker. Also "bounds them up."

If I'm an editor, I'm thinking "sloppy writer."

Well, you asked for critique and you got it. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it's better to hear it from me than to send this synopsis on its rounds and not know why you're getting rejection slips.

I hope this helps,

JohnB

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http://www.johnbushore.com

Xenophile

This sounds very marketable to me. Intense and graphic stories are highly desirable right now, whether in book form or on TV (think of CSI and Nip/Tuck). My one question is, why does evil Isabella kill the daughter's boyfriend? Maybe it could be because he found out something about her, like the fact she is Jennifer's sister, which might make her revelation about this later to be a forced or reluctant one. Kudos to you for an exciting, well-thought-out plot.