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Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

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Old 04-02-2008, 12:22 PM   #16
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I agree about that first section. There was nothing it in at all that made me want to keep reading. After that though, I was quite intrigued. I think Cassie is a very melodramatic, somewhat annoying girl, but I still empathize with her...somehow. (God, that makes me want to reassess myself...)

There's actually a lot more in here that I like so much that I want to point it out than stuff I dislike. However, I'm going to start with the stuff I didn't like:

Quote:
The arm tensed slightly, but allowed the hand to lay there.
That makes the arm seem sentient and it reads awkwardly. Since the whole scene is about the discord between her and her mother, why not make the sentence about Cassie tensing when her mom lays a hand on her arm, instead of making it seems as though her arm has a mind of its own?

Quote:
Cassie snatched her arm back, allowing the resting hand to drop heavily onto the chopping board.
Same here. "Resting hand"? It'd be better if we were actively connecting the hand to Cassie's mother.

Quote:
But she kept talking and, for some reason, that seemed to ruin everything.
I stumbled over this a little because I didn't find out who was the one who kept talking until the next paragraph.

Now, onto the stuff that I thought was worthy of praise.

Quote:
Words tumbled out of her like a tidal wave about to sweep Cassie back out into the night.
Fantastic analogy.

Quote:
Cassie felt her stomach clench into a ball. Heavy. Metallic. Like quicksilver, the tightness spread through all her muscles, immobilizing her body and prickling hotly behind her eyes. She. Would. Not. Cry. Not today.
This is a great bit of prose. It tells us so much more about Cassie's character than most of your other prose. I was so impressed I actually smiled, even though that isn't exactly a smile-provoking scene.

Quote:
If the eyes were the windows to the soul, Maggie had closed the shutters.
This also made me smile. It starts out with a cliché and then twists it into something clever. Nicely done.
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Old 04-02-2008, 01:39 PM   #17
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Thank you very much Tiamat10

I think you guys are probably right about that first paragraph. I wanted to try and set up Cassie's mental state a bit so that her decision to stop talking at the end seemed more justified, but perhaps the start of the chapter is not the place to do it.

As for the arm/hand thing - I'm not sure why it came to me that way, and when I wrote it I liked it, but a couple of people have pointed it out to me, so I think I might have to concede defeat on that one!

And thank you for the positive comments - it's nice to receive some of those! I know the easiest way to improve is to find out what's wrong, but it's nice to know that I'm doing something right too!
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