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Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Gender: Male
Posts: 2
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excerpt needs critique...
The journey took most of the day for him to undertake. As he ran at a moderate speed across the plains, hidden in the tall grass, it began as a gentle rainfall. But by the time the sun began to set it had escalated to a downpour. He had to wade his way through the grass, for the rain was so thick it made pools of water all around.
He reached the forest which Shihan had told him the outpost would be located, but that proved to be no better than the open plains with the amounts of rain that poured on top of him. He had never been so wet in all his life for so long, and his clothes were soaked to the skin. He felt as if he had just gotten out of a lake or stream.
He made his way through the forest as night fell upon him, and soon he found himself going down a slope. Through the downpour he could see a distant flame, and his acute vision could grasp the sight of a low building. But it was below him, and he came upon the top of a deep slope. The outpost building was located at the bottom of a ravine, a crater like area ___?
The rain was coming down harder than ever as he sat crouched at the top of the hill, and he overlooked a vast clearing which beyond lay the outpost building.
Zak slid down the hill through the mud over the slippery rocks toward the ground. He made sure to not stay in one place for too long as to not get completely soaked through his clothes, but was darting down over the rocks through the rain quickly, dark as a shadow. As he weaved through the trees he could sense the presence of people at the bottom of the hill. He needed not to worry about the noise of splattering mud and rainwater as he descended the hill, for the torrent of rain blocked out all noise.
He reached the bottom of the slope and cautiously picked his way through the bushes until he reached the border of the large clearing. He peered out to see that the open ground that stretched between him and the building was completely flooded with water. Due to its position at the bottom of a crater-like area of the forest, all of the rainwater was flowing down into this area, making it full of water.
He stepped down into the bottom and was shocked to feel himself sink down to his chest in floodwater. Under the safety of the darkness he began to wade through the chest deep water. The water was so cold! He could not see that far in front of him, but was soon able to see the building in which he was going to infiltrate.
But as he neared it, he was able to hear the shouts of men not too far off. “The commander is expecting an attack tonight! Be on watch, all of you, for any enemy activity! Spread out, into the water and guard the outside and the others will keep watch inside! Go!”
They were shouting due to the sound of the pouring rain around them. When he looked around, sure enough he found a large group of guards standing in a circle. A moment later they turned and began to spread out through the water, covering all of the area, and as they did so they drew their weapons; long bladed spears and katanas.
Zak sunk lower into the water, making only his head visible and holding his sword out to the side above the water. The night cloaked his presence in a blanket of darkness, so none of the unsuspecting sentries laid eyes upon him as he waded through the water toward them.
He came up behind the first one he passed, coming up slowly, and at once he lunged out, driving his sword up through the back of his neck and then snapped his head back. Before anyone would see he dragged the body underwater and pinned him down with his own sword, unable to resurface and be seen by his comrades.
Zak was completely underwater now, and when he was satisfied that the body would not float to the surface, he began to half swim, half walk toward the building. When he came up to the surface he scanned the area around him, and he saw that there were several guards in front of him that blocked the fastest route to the outer wall of the building. He looked around for another route, but it was the same amount of sentries all around. He had no choice but to make his way through them.
But he figured that if he would risk weaving through them, he would end up being spotted by them when he surfaced. He had to dispose of them….. He called upon his inner demons and the anger he possessed for so long, and he brought his sword up toward the sentries.
The one in front of him that was a few feet away had turned slightly, but as he did Zak had reared up behind him, and in a swift swipe of his blade, slashed him across the ribs, spilling blood out like a fountain. The guard let out a cry of agony, and his fellow sentries heard it and dove for support, but they were met with a barrage of slashes and punches.
Zak spun with his sword whirling, catching the guards all around him as they approached, killing them in a flurry of blood and steel. The guardsmen that patrolled the outer area of the water did not hear the commotion due to the downpour of rain. Zak took them out one at a time, breaking necks and slicing limbs in a fury.
A few moments later the entire group of them was dead, floating in the water around him. The rain washed his blade of the blood of his enemies, and a second later he sunk beneath the surface of the red water and swam toward the building. He swam for a while until he reached the outside of the wall, but when he looked up he saw that it was twenty feet high; too tall to climb or vault over. He had to find another way in.
He sunk under again after sheathing his sword and pushed his way down to the ground level and grabbed hold of a chunk of rock attached to the wall, holding him down. Through the dirty water he could faintly make out the details of the wall, and after a moment of searching around at the bottom of the wall he found what he was looking for.
It was a small slit in the stone, used as a trapdoor that led to the tunnels beneath the lowest floor of the house. It would be impossible to pull up the door of the passage, but the rain would make it easy to squeeze his way through and into those tunnels. He came up for air for just a moment, but as he did he was able to see through the rain and darkness that the remaining guards had discovered the slaughter that he had caused, and one of them pointed at him. “There he is!”
He hadn’t much time. He pulled himself under after drawing a deep breath, and when he reached the bottom he groped for the slit in the stone. It was very small, but if he was at the right angle….
A hand had reached down and grabbed his arm and attempted to pull him up. He spun around and kicked his knees. A spearhead shot through the water at him and sliced his back. Zak rolled over again and shot to the surface, and his fist connected with the nose of a sentry. He felt bone crunch under the impact of his knuckles, and when his stunned opponent was thrown back he dove under again, making for the hole quickly. He compressed his body as much as possible and angled his body into its thinnest point form. And in a mighty push of his legs he shot through the thin hole in the stone, and after a painful squeeze he dropped to the ground below.
The water on the ground on which he stood now was only about a foot deep due to the water that poured down from above. He ran down the tunnel and ascended the steps that rounded the corner of the passage and found himself in yet another tunnel. He blindly made his way through a miniature labyrinth of tunnels and low passageways before he was faced with the last staircase.
He cautiously walked up, and he silently lifted a wooden latch and the trapdoor opened, revealing a supply room filled with crates and boxes. He lifted it and crouched inside the room. No water had reached this level of the building, but he was still wet. All of his concerns regarding stealth seemed to vanish when he heard a sliding door open and a man wielding a heavy sword charged in.
He rolled to the side and came up next to a light crate, inside which lay sets of knives. He pulled out three knives just before he dodged another slash of his sword. He rolled out of the way and leaped to his feet with his arms swinging, and one of the knives shot from his hand and buried itself in his enemy’s neck. He ran over to him and finished him with a double slash to his neck with the remaining two knives.
Nobody else came into the room, but beyond that hallway he could hear rapid footsteps and shouts of warning. They knew of his presence. They all did! He had no choice but to just finish the job and assassinate the commander while evading all of the guards. But as he thought about it, he figured that the commander was most likely on extra watch as of now due to the mass confusion. They were all hunting for him….. He needed to move.
He went through the door and sprinted down the hallway and turned several corners before he found himself in a tall room filled with many low tables. Upon these tables sat open scrolls and figures of battle plans and strategic models of landscapes. The room was empty of all people, and it took him a matter of seconds to cross it. But as he neared the door to the outside he heard gasping and running footsteps toward the door, and he rolled backward and sunk into the shadows at the bottom of the wall.
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