Blue_Fire_Too

Here we go, hope you can read it better. Im used to present tense because You use present tense in text RPing mainly...not really that great at writing in the past tense
My main problem (IMHO) is starting stories out...I basically have the plot of this story in my head and its concise but i have difficulty putting what is in my mind into words. This is supposed to be the intro and plot hook thingy. I need to know if its a good intro to the story.



The rhythmic sounds of steel against steel emanate from the front sparring chamber of the World-Renowned Cherlock Military Academy; “Hyaah!” a young woman disarms a small, but muscular, gray-headed man inside. His sword flies out of his hand and onto the wooden floor.

“Nice Job Natalie! Not bad for a princess!” he says, chuckling as he picks up his sword and slides it into its scabbard, Natalie does the same and they bow to each other, signaling the end of their match.


“You’re getting slower, is your age catching up with you?” She jests with a smile as she goes to hang up her equipment.


“Nope, that’s not it at all, it was my, err, arthritis!” he shoots back with a chuckle. He does likewise with his equipment but keeps his sword. He adds, “That’s enough for today, I’ve got to ‘Defend the Royal Family of Alexandria.’ And ‘Defend the people therein’ you know!”

Natalie nods, knowing Randall’s job description fully well, “Don’t fail now Randall—This country has owed its existance to you for Four or Five Centuries now. You wouldn’t want to let them, or us royal folk, down now would you? You’re only half finished with your life you know!” she waves goodbye to the General and lets her long black hair down. Before she walks out she adds, with heavy sarcasm, “Well, maybe you could let little brother die?” She pulls her wide brimmed cloth hat off the rack near the door and places it on her head. She starts down the sandy street and turns into an ornate building with “Marisa’s Diner”on a sign above the door as she has always done after her training with the General.


She waves at the patrons, who simply nod at her and return to their drinks knowing all too well the Princess’ dislike of halting everything just because she arrives somewhere. She scans the room for her sister, whom she was supposed to meet after training today. She sees her and calls out “Anita, No need to wait any longer, for I have arrived!” A small girl with short cut, snow-white hair turns in her seat with a devious grin


“Oh yes Natalie, the world can go on now that you are here” she says as her older sister sits down beside her. If the workers at this restaurant didn’t know everything about Natalie and Anita simply because they were the princesses of this great desert, they certainly know it all now because of their daily, almost ritualistic, patronage and their large tips that somehow come just at the times when they are thinking of closing the restaurant. The two sisters begin talking about their mornings as though they had been away for years and years, when in reality it had only been a few hours. They talk continuously, long after they finish their usual meal, which is brought to them without even needing to order it as the waitresses and cooks know and love their princesses dearly.


The usual bustle of the restaurant, made famous by news of the princesses’ frequent patronage, was interrupted when one of the Royal Guard, red-faced and breathless, runs into the restaurant bearing an envelope sealed with the Queen’s signet, a very rarely seen symbol. “For their highnesses the princesses!” he says when he catches his breath.
Natalie quickly rises and retrieves the letter. She brings it to her and Anita’s table and opens it, she reads it and her face goes pale almost immediately. “What’s it say?” Anita asks, with concern in her voice.


“Something…something’s happened at the palace. Mother needs us right away,” Natalie stammers. She rises “Put it on our tab” she quips with detachedness. Her and Anita rush out the door toward the palace, with the guard following.

salmon the creative

I must confess - i am a useless critic but i will try my best.

One thing i did like is the ending. It grabs the reader and makes them want to see what happens next.

Secondly, usually when i start off writing something for the first time, i start with describing the main backdrop. For example, in your case, i would start off with describing where they are fighting. I would explain who the characters are, what their relationships are with the other characters etc. Of course, this is what I WOULD do but everyone is different and it all comes down to personal preference. I understand that you said you arent very good at writing in the past tense but in order for a story to be successful and captivating, there needs to be more than one tense. Me saying that reminds me of what my french teacher says about the work we need to be doing lol. Tenses are everything sometimes.

Overall, its not a bad piece of writing. There are definitley some places were the writing is better, there is in EVERY piece of writing a person does, and i think with a bit of practice and imagination, you will go far with this

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Well, writing, what do you think?!

littlegreenbob

Your sentences are too long and you use too many commas.

Also some of your dialogue needs correct formatting (Ironically where you have left out a comma at the end of the dialogue).

I did like the opening but it needs a bit of work.

omginternetlord

Why present tense instead of past?

Tiamat10

Why two threads instead of one?

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"I'm a woman, we never say what we want. But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it." - Sliding Doors

Blue_Fire_Too

tiamat, i dont know o.o

omg, that makes it even harder for me to introduce a story...i can never get it right...i might change it though if it really makes a difference in the overall composition?

salmon, you said tenses? clarify please?

green, please let me know where said sentences are so i can look them over--might have overlooked the run-on's o.o (like beginning? end? where)

littlegreenbob

Sentence too long.
Incorrect dialogue grammar.

Too many commas when they should follow on or be sentences on their own. I havent fixed it because in some places it will mean a rewrite (which you can do on your own).

Blue_Fire_Too

oh ok now it makes sense, thanks green

puh im gonna edit my story now

Blue_Fire_Too

Edited for content! Read up and comment!