intro to untitled story - Writers Forum

Blue_Fire_Too · 03-14-2008, 09:58 PM

The rhythmic sounds of steel emanate from the training room; “Hyaah!” a young woman disarms a small, but muscular, gray-headed man inside, his sword falls to the wooden floor.

“Nice Job Natalie!” he says, chuckling as he picks up his sword and slides it into its scabbard, Natalie does the same and they bow to each other to signal the end of their training,

“You’re getting slow, is your age possibly catching up with you?” She jests with a smile.

“Nope, that’s not it at all, it was my, err, arthritis!” he shoots back, “That’s enough for today, I’ve got a palace to guard you know!”

Natalie nods, “Don’t let any of us get killed now Randall—My family owes their lives to you and it would let them down if you were to die...or let any of us die” she waves goodbye to the guard and lets her long black hair down. As she walks out she adds, with heavy sarcasm, “Well, maybe you could let little brother die?” She pulls her wide brimmed cloth hat off the rack near the door and places it on her head. She starts down the sandy street and turns into a small restaurant, as she has always done after her training with Randall, the captain of the Palace.

She waves at the patrons, who simply nod at her and return to their drinks knowing all too well the Princess’ dislike of halting everything just because she arrives somewhere, and scans the room for her sister, whom she was supposed to meet after training today. She sees her and calls out “Anita, No need to wait any longer, for I have arrived!” A small girl with short cut, snow-white hair turns in her seat with a devious grin

“Oh yes Natalie, the world can go on now that you are here” she says as her older sister sits down beside her. If the workers at this restaurant didn’t know everything about Natalie and Anita because they were the princesses of the land, they certainly know because of their daily, border-line ritualistic, patronage and their large tips that somehow come just at the times when they are thinking of closing the restaurant. The two sisters begin talking about their mornings as though they had been away for years and years, when in reality it had only been a few hours. They talk on and on, long after they finish their usual meal, which is brought to them without even needing to order it as the waitresses and cooks know and love their princesses dearly.

One of the Palace Guards, red-faced and breathless runs into the restaurant bearing an envelope with the Royal Seal, “For their highnesses the princesses!”

Natalie quickly rises and retrieves the letter, she brings it to her and Anita’s table and opens it. Her face goes pale, “What’s it say?” Anita asks, with concern in her voice.

“Something…something’s happened at the palace, Mother needs us right away” She stammers. She rises “Put it on our tab” she quips with detachedness as her and Anita rush out the door toward the palace, with the guard following.

Tiamat10 · 03-15-2008, 01:04 AM

Wow. That is ever so hard on these eyes. Tell you what, separate it into paragraphs (a new paragraph for every different idea and a new paragraph for every new person speaking) and then I'll read it.

spider8 · 03-15-2008, 05:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Fire_Too

The rhythmic sounds of steel emanate from the training room; “Hyaah!” a young woman disarms a small, but muscular, gray-headed man inside, his sword falls to the wooden floor.
“Nice Job Natalie!” the old man says, chuckling as he picks up his sword and slides it into its scabbard, Natalie does the same and they bow to each other to signal the end of their training,
“You’re getting slow, is your age possibly catching up with you?” Natalie jests with a smile.
“Nope, that’s not it at all, it was my, err, arthritis!” he shoots back, “That’s enough for today, I’ve got a palace to guard you know!”
Natalie nods, “Don’t let any of us get killed now Randall—My family owes their lives to you and it would let them down if you were to die or let any of us die” she waves goodbye to the guard and lets her long black hair down. As she walks out she adds, with heavy sarcasm, “Well, maybe you could let little brother die?” She pulls her wide brimmed cloth hat off the rack near the door and places it on her head. She starts down the sandy street and turns into a small restaurant, as she has always done after her training with Randall, the captain of the Palace. She waves at the patrons, who simply nod at her and return to their drinks knowing all too well the Princess’ dislike of halting everything just because she arrives somewhere, and scans the room for her sister, whom she was supposed to meet after training today. She sees her and calls out “Anita, No need to wait any longer, for I have arrived!” A small girl with short cut, snow-white hair turns in her seat with a devious grin
“Oh yes Natalie, the world can go on now that you are here” she says as her older sister sits down beside her. If the workers at this restaurant didn’t know everything about Natalie and Anita because they were the princesses of the land, they certainly know because of their daily, border-line ritualistic, patronage and their large tips that somehow come just at the times when they are thinking of closing the restaurant. The two sisters begin talking about their mornings as though they had been away for years and years, when in reality it had only been a few hours. They talk on and on, long after they finish their usual meal, which is brought to them without even needing to order it as the waitresses and cooks know and love their princesses dearly.
One of the Palace Guards, red-faced and breathless runs into the restaurant bearing an envelope with the Royal Seal, “For their highnesses the princesses!”
Natalie quickly rises and retrieves the letter, she brings it to her and Anita’s table and opens it. Her face goes pale, “What’s it say Natalie?” Anita asks, with concern in her voice.
“Something…something’s happened at the palace, Mother needs us right away” Natalie stammers. She rises “Put it on our tab” she quips with detachedness as her and Anita rush out the door toward the palace, with the guard following.

This is how to do it. Now you can edit it yourself without having to have the speaker using the recipients name all the time to show the reader who is saying what to whom.

omginternetlord · 03-15-2008, 07:05 AM

Is there something wrong with using simple old past tense these days?

Sam Winchester · 03-15-2008, 08:06 AM

As Tiamat said, space the paragraphs out, and think about choosing a larger font - getting a hard time to read that. As omg said, is there anything wrong with past tense?

Sam.

Blue_Fire_Too · 03-15-2008, 09:30 AM

Knew i forgot something, edited story for readability

Tiamat10 · 03-15-2008, 06:17 PM

Thank you.

Normally, I'm one of the few around here who say "Ignore the naysayers" when it comes to them being anal retentive about present tense writing. (Few people here like it, and I think that's a shame.) However, in this particular case, I really do think past tense would be more suitable.

Second, don't italicize speech. It's not necessary and gets annoying to read.

Also, you didn't actually catch my attention with this until the end. I mean, I get that you're trying to establish your character here, but you can condense most of that and get us into the action much quicker. (After all, you've got the entire story to show us who your character is, but you've got to get us into it first.)

Only other thing I wanted to mention was that I had a somewhat difficult time reading this because your sentences are just so long. They start to get confusing when they're that long.

This one, for instance:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Fire_Too

She waves at the patrons, who simply nod at her and return to their drinks knowing all too well the Princess’ dislike of halting everything just because she arrives somewhere, and scans the room for her sister, whom she was supposed to meet after training today.

That is one long sentence. Try breaking some of those monsters up a little bit and it will greatly improve the readability of this piece.

Other than that, your writing isn't bad at all, it just needs tightened up a bit. Good luck.

Blue_Fire_Too · 03-15-2008, 09:24 PM

thanks, and i really have no clue why 2 threads...