BellaEden

OK it is edited, the best i could. Let me know what ya guys think.




The air of the evening was warm. Almost floral smelling. The sky was lit up with pinks and purples, the sun having set not minutes before. A couple strolled together from their car up to the front of a movie theater, Their hands clasped within one another’s.

"Are you sure that you want to see a movie tonight?"

The man said as he looked at her with a bit of confusion on his face.

"Of course I do! We haven’t been in so long and I feel like getting scared then hiding in your shoulder"

He laughed as he tucked her long wavy brown hair behind her ear and kissed her on her temple. He moved his arm to around her shoulders and pulled her closer into his side.

"I just thought you would want to stay home and relax, you never like to go out for your birthday"

"Well, I changed my mind this year. Besides, I want to show off your new haircut, I really do like it on you."

She reached up and ruffled his shaggy dirty blonde hair. As he laughed at her gesture the man removed his arm from around her shoulder, and ran his fingers through his hair trying to fix it. As they made their way up to the front of the theatre. The man grabbed her hand again as he began to speak...

"How come you wanted to come to this old theater? The one by our house is newer and not so rundown."

"This one isn’t as crowded, I don’t like rubbing elbows with people while I am trying to watch a movie."

The line hadn’t taken long to dwindle down and the couple had reached the front of the line.

" Can I have 2 for Hell House?"

The man spoke as released her hand and reached back behind and removed his warn leather wallet from his back pocket. He handed the woman the money and she handed back their movie tickets.

" Their you go sir"

"Thanks"

They clasped hands again and headed inside the theater. The theater had smelled of stale popcorn and old musky building combined.If you listened behind the people talking you could hear the sound of old video game machines,as they beeped and chimed in the corner..

"Do you want something to drink or eat?"

He asked as he pointed at the concession stand.

"No I am okay. I’ll just have to pee halfway through if I do."

"Thanks for the info Carrie"

He said as he chuckled at her comment.

"Your welcome"

She smiled big and kissed him on the cheek.

They walked to the young ticket taker who, looked to be in his teens,and handed him their tickets.

"Third one down on the right"

"Thank you!"

They walked down the old theater hallway and made a right at their door. They walked inside and rounded the corner, and a room full of empty seats and a bright screen stared back at them.

"Wow looks like we are all alone tonight"

"Now this is why I wanted to come to this theater! Happy Birthday to me!"

They walked down the aisle of the theater. They watched the commercials and previews on the screen before the lights had dimmed. They made idle chat and cuddled

"I didn’t even drink anything and I already have to pee."

"Thanks again honey"

He said as he laughed and shook his head

"I’ll be right back"

She said as she danced in front of him waiting for him to move his legs. He teased her, not moving his legs.

"It’s your fault if I pee on you!"

He laughed some more, finally moving his legs for her. She walked fast up the aisle and back out into the theater hallway. She made her way back up to the front near the concession stands. She stood there as she scanned the room looking for a restroom sign. She made quick eye contact with a few employees who stood behind the concession stand counter.

One of the employees, who realized what she was looking for, pointed in the direction of the restroom. She followed the direction of his hand with her eye’s to a restroom door. As she rushed for the door, she waved to the employee in gratitude.

As she entered the restroom she noticed that all the stall doors were shut but it was so utterly quiet in there that she didn’t think anyone could be in there. She walked up to the first stall door and pushed it to see if it was locked. It swung open. She rushed inside, and shut the door behind her. The door slammed shut, and scared her for a second. She unzipped her pants and sat down, almost falling off the toilet.

She stared at the graffiti on the walls. She read the so an so was here’s and the call for a good time’s. She tried to pull the toilet paper from the over sized dispenser but only succeeded in getting one sheet at a time. After she rolled her eyes and successfully grabbed about 15 sheets, she exited the stall. She walked over to the sink and reached for the old warn down knobs on the sink to wash her hands.

The lights flickered in the rest room, which caused her to stop and stare at the lights for a second. She regained her train of action and began to wash her hands. She made her way over to the air dryer and placed her soaked hands underneath, to turn it on. The loud machine echoed in the large empty restroom. She looked around as she rubbed her hands together. Half dry, she wiped the rest on her jeans and walked out of the rest room.

She noticed as she walked back by the concession stand that there was no longer anyone there, not even an employee bored in the corner. She made her way back down the hallway, and headed for her theatre. As she walked she ran her fingers along the old felt walls, that looked 50 years old. She turned into her theater. The lights were off, the previews had started. She spotted her husband in the dark and walked up to him. She put her hand on his shoulder as if to tell him she was back so that he could move his legs for her to pass,but he didn’t move. He just looked at her hand, patted it and looked back at the screen as he spoke...

"Happy Birthday"

He said half smiling.

Something about the way he reacted confused her. She bent down to look at his face and realized that it wasn’t her husband. It was an elderly man who looked like he had to be in his 80’s. She jumped back, in embarrassment.

"I am sorry, I thought you were somebody else"

He didn’t respond to her, he just continued to stare at the screen. She stared at him for a moment. Almost as if he was familiar to her. She lifted her head and scanned the room for her husband. There was no body else in the room. She walked back out to the hallway.

"Maybe I got the wrong theater"

She looked up at the sign above the door. It wasn’t the same one. She Looked around at the other signs, as she tryed to find the one that said "Hell House". None of them did. Confused and frustrated,she walked back up to the concession stand.

"Is anyone up here? I need some help"

Nobody answered her. She walked over to the doors leading outside. She looked outside, searching for another human being and noticed that her husbands car is gone. She grabbed the doors and tried to open them, they were locked. Angry now, she stood back, then, a voice came from the concession stand. The voice caused her to flip around to the direction it was comming from. A girl employee stood behind the counter.

"How was the movie Mr. Freeman?"

The employee said to the old man walking from the hallway

"Mr. Freeman?"

Carrie said as she recognized her and her husband’s last name.

"It was ok, she found me again tonight"

The old man said, with a bittersweet aftertaste to his words.

"That is wonderful Mr. Freeman, did you tell her happy birthday for me?"

"Sure did"

"Well good, have a great night!"

"You too."

He said as he made his way to the exit door’s

Carrie looked carefully at the man who walked toward her. It was the same old man from the theater.

"Jack?"

She said as she finally realized why the man looked so familiar to her.

He didn’t answer, he just walked right past her and out the doors. The doors shut, the sound had snapped Carrie back from staring at the old man. She tried to open the doors again but they didn’t budge. She stood back, confused and scared, as she stared at the old man. A light reflecting off a glass of a picture frame next to the door caught her eye. She looked at it and realized it was a newspaper clipping. The clipping read.

"A Young woman disappeared from a local movie theater 50 years ago. Her husband still returns every night on the eve of her birthday hoping she will come back."

__________________
Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where this is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

littlegreenbob

Just a few things to note:

1/ 'Their' is for possession, 'There' is for location. You made this mistake in your first paragraph.

2/ 'I' should be capitalised.

3/ You change tenses from past to present after the first dialogue.

4/ 'The beautiful couple' sounds weird for two reasons. First of all it should be 'A beautiful couple'. Second of all you are telling us they are beautiful without giving us reason to believe they are. Perhaps instead of narrating you should let us see them through each other's eyes.

Keep writing.

Necromortis

Needs a proofreading. Here's what I caught:

Maybe change 'the sun setting not minutes before' to 'the sun having set not minutes before.' Change the period after theater to a comma, and the 'there' to 'their.'

Capitalize the word I. I nearly stopped reading after I found the first 'i' in there.

Split that up. I'd suggest something like, '"Well I changed my mind this year. Besides, I wanted to show off your new haircut, I really like it on you.'" There was too much unnecessary stuff in there, and the syntax was off.

Sorry, I couldn't get past here:

You've gone and switched tenses on us! You've got sentence fragments (second sentence - WHAT makes him laugh? Change the period to a comma or rephrase the thing). You also 'tell' too much, instead of show. You interrupt the flow of the story to tell us stuff too much, rather than working it into the plot.

Finally, after a quick glance over the story - you need to work on your dialogue syntax - it's all wrong.

Sorry, but I'm stopping there. Please proofread it and then post up an edited version.

~Christian

BellaEden

This is the first thing that I have really fully wrote. I am not to familiar with grammar and all of that. I fixed half of it when it came to the I's and the past tense stuff. I didn't even notice i had done that. So thank you both for all the catching of the errors. I am going to get a book about all of that stuff. So this doesn't happen again. Thank you. I had to go to work but I will finish editing the rest of the story when I get home.

__________________
Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where this is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

spider8

You almost lost me, almost. But then she came back to find the old man and I was hooked. So before this you need something extra to make sure you don't lose people. I really liked it though. Yes, follow the advice given by others above and re-post it. Lovely idea, terrific ending.