dreaming_addict

hey..i followed some of directions and edited the piece, please tell me what you think.

One rainy day, there was a girl walking by herself, so pissed off because her hair was ruined by the rain and her clothes were getting wet. She ran so fast to reach a safe place...or so she thought. She looked at the mirror and thought "I should fix this". She did, and felt so relieved...or so she thought. She went to sleep full of loneliness, dreaming of people who never existed, of things she could never do, of a girl she could never be.
Along she walked with the crowd, no risks, no adventure. she lived an ordinary life, in an indestructible routine. She was never on the top of the world; just feeling fine. Nor she did experience any grief; just angry or a little sad. Everything was expected and planned. She lived her days that way not knowing a different way of life. Until one day she did! She never planned it; she just pictured it in her mind, thinking it was just another fantasy of hers that she could never really live. But it wasn't true. Her daydreams were like a premonition of a reality that was about to take place. We just never realize it until it actually happens. She starts now fulfilling her dreams and turning her imagination into reality. But living in the real world was never enough for her, she wants to keep dreaming, it's her passion, it's her way to get through life with less boredom. She dreams, but her dreams now have a different sweetness she never tasted before. What's even more surprising is that even her past fantasies weren't actually the best that could ever happen. Some things can't just be predicted, they should be lived to be understood. She grew stronger, her mind became more mature, and so did her imaginations. She isn't now the happiest human being on earth, but still she knew what a happy moment is. On the contrary, she has been through real moments of grief. Now, she recognizes what it is to be LIVING.
One rainy day, there was a girl walking by herself. She walks slowly, feeling blessed she could feel it on her skin, feeling she wants to run and dance like they do in the movies. Then she goes to a safe place, a different kind of place. A place where she feels beautiful even though her hair is ruined and her clothes are wet. She has a strong urge to share her little, but meaningful, experience...and she does. Now she goes to bed alone, dreaming of the experiences she had, the places she had reached, the people she had bonded with, the things she could do...dreaming of the woman she could be.

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littlegreenbob

Its hard to read because the paragraphs arent structured clearly. I think you should put a blank line between each paragraph for our purpose.

One thing I have noted is too many commas. I assume you place a comma for when you pause in your mind but people read at a different pace. Take the first sentence for example. I would have written it like this.

One rainy day there was a girl walking by herself. She was so pissed off because her hair was ruined by the rain and her clothes were getting wet.

Also some of your word choices and sentences dont read that good. This will come from practice. Keep writing and you will get better.

Inspired Joys

Although the title intrigued me, this piece loses me from the get go & overall seems very shallow to me. I'm not convinced by the transition from existing to living. Also, way too many "shes".

DavidGil

You might want to break up the paragraphs so there's a blank line between each either with this work or any that follow. It helps the readability. That said, some thoughts:

One rainy day, there was a girl was walking by herself, so pissed off because her hair was ruined by the rain and her clothes were getting wet.

I think you can tighten this up. I suggest losing the underlined words. I added in was as well, highlighted in red.

She lived an ordinary life, in an indestructible routine. She was never on the top of the world; just feeling fine.

I would rewrite what I've underlined personally. A suggestion:

She had never been on top of the world. Instead, she felt average. (something to that effect.)

Nor she did experience any grief; just angry or a little sad.

A suggestion, perhaps something like:

Nor did she experience any grief, only a little sadness and anger. (I'm not sure I like the sentences however as a whole.)

But living in the real world was never enough for her. She wanted to keep dreaming. It was her passion, and her way to get through life with less boredom.


Those are a few points anyways. I have been critiscised for going overboard with comments in critiques, so I don't want to flag too much. Just go through the rest and look for things you can rephrase.

Hope the suggestions help and keep writing.

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dreaming_addict

Thanks for the comments. About the paragraphs point I did actually separate them with leaving a space at the begining of each paragraph but it didn't appear when it was sent.
Thanks for the suggestions, actually Davigil I don't mind them at all that's why I'm here. It's almost my first piece of writing and I need a lot of guidance.

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Blue_Fire_Too

This is a good (story? poem? short story? idk pick one and insert here). You might want to look at the way you word your sentences, ask yourself "Is there a way to say this idea better?", it helps a bit with the clarity as a whole.

salmon the creative

I think that this is a decent piece of writing but needs a bit of improvement. It does need clearer paragraphing, but i do understand the troubles with getting writing to look properly on this forum. When i copy and paste things from microsoft word the lines i use to seperate flashback from present day disappear for some weird reason.

Anyway, some of the words are repeating quite frequently sometimes but that can be easily changed Also, i think the transition between living and existing (i think thats it forgive me if im wrong) needs a little work although i dont really know how you could do this.

Overall, there are things that need improving and things that are good (its the same for every piece of work) but with a little improvement, this could go far

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