Aplin

Mercy – Rough Draft Explanation & Introduction

The story is about a woman named ‘Mercy’, she is far more athletic and skilful in fighting / exploring than any human around in the present world. This has given her the rash and carefree attitude that is hopefully portrayed in the following text. With my writing I try not to give the reader a long and boring prologue or back story, I think these are too over used in modern fantasy novels, my personal belief is that its much more interesting have pieces of information leaked to you as you need to know it. It doesn’t matter to me that millions of years ago a great king fought another great king and now one king rules a village 200 miles away! I only really need to know that if the character visits that town and something happens that makes knowing of this battle important. I also do not like starting stories with the ‘It was a dark and gloomy night’ and then lead on to ‘the moonlight glistened off the calm sea’, it is so over used and boring! Anyway, that is about all you need to know, so I will allow you to read on from here and hopefully enjoy my story as it is, if you do have trouble reading it due to lack of information ‘I need to know!’ so please, please let me know what it is you don’t understand and why.

The main points I am already aware that need addressing are: Perspective, it is written in third person perspective, but from time to time goes a bit off and seems first person or a different style of third person; any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated. Secondly I want to make my descriptions more exciting and more enjoyable to read, causing if possible more suspense, if you read something you feel is dull or needs livening up a little please let me know! Finally I would like to know about your perceptions of the character, do you like her, do you want to know more about her, and any other feelings you have towards her would be good to know.

And at last we come to the story, please allow me to thank you for taking the time to read the following draft and hopefully you take the time to submit your comments either in person, through forum, through email (Marc.Aplin@Gmail.com)

Regards,

Marc Aplin.

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Chapter One – Play with Evil

Mercy glanced to her right, something had been following her for at least three hours now, although she was curious as to whom and what is was she had made no attempt to communicate or demand an emergence of the unidentified tail. Whatever it was, it was probably awaiting its opportunity to pounce on what it no doubt believed to be ‘A female Pontainian who had wandered too deep into the wilderness.’ She found amusement in the thought. Mercy thought of the hundreds of different creatures that harboured these dense forests. The hundreds she had killed… and enjoyed doing so.

After a lengthy discussion with a local farmer the previous night, it had been Mercy's curiosity that had landed her in the feared Sardenne Forest
“These days no one approaches the forest of no return,” he had told her. “We may not know ‘what’ it is in there, but we know it is bad…evil even”
This statement had entertained Mercy. She had visited the forest many of times, and always returned. She had not told the farmer this. It would have spoilt her fun and bring about too many boring questions. Not that he would have believed her anyway. As for being ‘bad’, this did not even begin to describe the forces and creatures that hid in the forest, waiting in anticipation, for a lesser being to approach just a few trees and bushes beyond the forests border. The farmer had continued with numerous stories about beasts being spotted prowling the forests perimeter during the recent eclipse.

She’d heard it all before. Nothing shocked or surprised her when it concerned the Sardenne Forest. She was just about to make her excuses and leave when the discussion took a rather interesting turn. “I remember hearing stories from my parents. They told of generations past, before the time of ‘Kerberos’, our distant relatives would go to the forest worry free and pick fruits. The most delicious fruits.” He looked thoughtful for a moment before continuing. “Ah yes. It is but a dream now, right? I haven’t heard of anyone stepping within a hundred yards of that forest and being seen again. It seems every few weeks some fool thinks he or she is clever enough to survive its secrets. Just yesterday I had to explain to my daughter the foolishness of a traveller she had met who had decided he was to venture into the forest in search of some woman.” At this point Mercy had sat back down on the bar stool next to the farmer and awaited his continuation.

The farmer could obviously tell he had gained her interest and purposely delayed his disclosure by taking a rather long and exaggerated swig of his drink.
“Yes, always the story isn’t it? A woman goes missing and a man goes running after her. Silly really, instead of one dead person you get two,” he said, in a seemingly experienced tone.
Determined to find out more Mercy asked if he said who he was looking for and the reason for his search. He looked puzzled for a moment before continuing. “Well, Naski, my daughter, didn’t much like the look of him. He wore a cloak, very dark. The hood hid his face and his voice was but a hoarse whisper. She didn’t get much out of him really”. Beginning to get frustrated with the lack of information she was being given, coupled with the gut feeling it was intentional, she snapped. “Well did he say anything interesting? This sounds not much different than the other twenty stories you have already told me tonight?” Looking slightly hurt and embarrassed he answered. “Well, it didn’t seem much to me either until I thought about it. The way she described him, sounds a bit mysterious if you ask me… and the name of the girl he was looking for… Mercy… doesn’t sound much like a Pontaine name does it?” Mercy looked straight into the farmer’s old but gentle eyes, trying to work out whether this was a joke or some kind of trick. No, it wasn’t possible. Only a handful of people throughout all of Twilight knew her name.

Suddenly she was snapped back to the present. 'Her stalker had just made a rather loud noise, one that revealed him to be close. He was at least within attacking distance. She slowed her pace; whatever it was she was going to give it its opportunity. Not wanting to look around and alert it to her suspicion she remained looking straight ahead. Mercy thought about all the places she had visited. The dangerous places; the ones no one else would think of going in their worst nightmares. Out of all of them, the forest was the only open aired location that bred darkness. The dark teamed up with the trunks of trees and the thick canopy above and defeated the powerful and concentrated light that came from the sun. And, although this was the case, she had always felt more at home here than she had anywhere else. Granted, she had never seen another human being in her many visits, true, she had never left the forest without two or three battles that could have quite easily been her last and also true, that even for her, the screams of terror and the malicious howls had often disturbed her momentarily, but as soon as they fell into the white noise of the darkness it built up the feeling she had felt her self become more and more addicted too as she aged… ‘Curiosity’.

Crunch. Another noise came from behind her, at most two or three trees back. She fought the urge to spin around. "Just a few more moments," she thought. She began thinking of what the creature could be, causing tension built up inside her, she gripped her twin blades so tight her hands shook and she wanted to destroy the creature that had the audacity to even try and make her its meal. She longed for its attack. Longed for the chance to use her body – the one tool that had never let her down, and smiled as finally the beast let out an almighty screech. Mercy turned around in a fluent motion to face the creature, she couldn't distinguish its species, but it didn't come as a surprise. These forests were constantly spitting up new evil. And besides, the thought of a new foe just increased her excitement.

Mercy grasped the release in her palm and allowed her hidden blades to slide up the back of each wrist. Her weapons of choice as an assassin were ‘the twin blades’, whilst not in use these blades are concealed under her sleeves. When needed all Mercy need do is clench her fists, which press a release as part of her gloves which allow the blades to slide up along the back of her wrists for immediate use. Having one strapped to each arm meant she didn’t have to hold them. Perfectly suit to her seeing as she often needs to climb and they don’t restrict her from doing so. Mercy got into a combat stance and rotated the blades; they are light and therefore would not hinder speed on taking on this beast.

The creature observed her menacingly, eyes blazing the deepest orange; she considered them for a moment, before accepting that they were not eyes at all, the sockets where his eyes should be were filled with a dancing flame. The flames lit the creatures decomposed face, revealing its grotesque features. Mercy for the first time assumed an offensive stance, this was no ordinary creature, even she, who had travelled and witnessed more in the last month than the average Twilight inhabitant would observe in their whole life had never come across something like this. It stood on all fours, typical of the many canine species that inhabited these woods, but that is where the noticeable comparisons stopped. Its back was hugely muscular; it literally looked as though it throbbed with power, these muscles descended down its thick legs, which were obviously made for jumping huge distances and running at immense speed. Its claws looked savage, they were razor sharp and each of the four that lay upon its paws extended out as long as a katana. She had no doubt that if they struck her they were capable of the most brutal rips and tears, however she thought… this was a pretty big ‘if’.

The creature began to circle to the right, Mercy mirrored the move, she knew she could not out power this creature, but she would use her speed and intelligence to rip it apart piece at a time. It made a snorting noise as it threw its body through the air and out stretched its front to limbs towards her, Mercy threw herself under the beast in a somersaulting motion and rolled underneath it. As she and the animal crossed paths she made a large incision with her right twin blade across its stomach from the bottom of its neck right across its stomach. Screaming in what sounded more like anger than pain; blood was sent spraying across the floor at such a rate Mercy was splattered. Mercy completed her roll about four or five paces away from the creature and saw her opportunity; the creature had its back exposed to her. She sprinted the short distance and threw herself onto its back, mounting the area between its shoulder blades and upper back. She drew her blade high up into the air above her head, pointed it down and thrust it deep into its exposed fleshy neck, the creature bucked and tried to throw her off. Mercy was amused by the irony within the creature’s sudden desire to part with her after the time it had spent trailing her. She withdrew the blade and with no sympathy for its pain thrust the left blade into its neck as it dropped to the ground, legs sprawled out like a stuffed big. Mercy had lost all sense of timing and compassion, she pulled the left blade out and thrust the right blade in, repeating this motion many, many times, far beyond the point of the creatures death. Using its back to push herself up onto two feet and its head as a step towards reaching the floor she smiled, this was one of the strongest creatures she had ever met in these woods and she had destroyed it.


Breathing hard mercy stepped forwards considering where this creature had come from, looking at it on the floor her hair fell in front of her eyes obscuring her view. Her long black hair had been tied back, but this had been lost in the battle. She felt her face, no obvious cuts or bruises; she pulled the mirror out from her bag and observed her face. Her looks had always been intimidating to other females, but enticing to men. She has always been told she was naturally pretty, a lot more from drunks at the taverns. Mercy’s eyes gleamed a bright purple in the sun that seeped through the gaps in the thick forest canopy. Although not unheard of across Twilight, eyes of this colour of rare and brought her lots of attention, often a hindrance to an assassin and thief such as her self. She wore a thin top which ran across her shoulders and covered her arms and from her neck to the top of her abdominals, this kept her cool in this tropical heat, however as a result of the battle drops slid down her exposed stomach to the waistline of her shorts. Her shorts again were as minor as possible, skin tight covering only her pelvis. She pulled them up slightly before wiping the sweat from her stomach with a sleeve.

“Impressive…” said a voice seemingly from the trees. Mercy perked her ears and looked around trying to pin point its location.
“Why thank you… now who the hell are you?” For a little while there was no reply, then from a seemingly closer location she was answered “That I am afraid is not an answer I shall reveal to you just yet” said the voice with supreme arrogance. Mercy began to feel anger well up inside her, how dare he talk to her like as if she was the underling, had he not just witnessed what she had done? What she was capable of. Making sure her tone had nothing but arrogance and amusement present she called out to the trees “I will give you until I count to ten to come out and reveal yourself, then I am going to begin actually looking for you and then if you do make me come and find you, we’ll see about making you tell me”. Moments later mercy heard movement, the voice was now even closer “Oh, I’m sure if you wanted to you could find me. I know more about your impressive skills and abilities than even you do… Mercy. However, I think it is in your best interest to turn around and continue walking towards that village, evidently I have sought you too early, you are not even close to ready”. The shock of hearing someone call her by her name for the first time in over 5 years took her by surprise and broke her control “Listen, I don’t do tricks, games, whatever this is, I settle things my way and that does not involve hiding in trees, unfortunately for you, it contains a lot more physicality”. Then came laughter, from every direction it hit her, as though every tree in the forest was laughing at her, patronising her. Looking around for the cause of the laughter Mercy spotted a dark material about a quarter way up a tree in the near distance.

Smiling she began to approach it “I see you” she said expecting a movement to confirm her suspicion of the strangers location, but instead the laughter only got louder. Approaching the tree the stranger sat at she called “Are you going to come down and play or am I going to have to come up there and retrieve you?” again the laughter just got louder and the stranger was obviously taking great amusement in her threats. “Great” she signed “Ready or not” she called, placing a hand on the trees rough bark she began to climb, still the stranger did not move, did not even turn his head, even with her being just feet away from him. The cloak concealed his figure, revealing no visible form what so ever. Mercy longed to rip the rope from the stranger, throw him from the very tree he was perched at, watch him quake as she stood over him and make him wish he had never mocked her.

She was now within reaching distance of the traveller and knew within seconds she would have her payback, she climbed the remaining distance and was now level with the branch the stranger was sat upon, still he made no movement, no acknowledgement she was near. “Hey… Found you… Ready to play now?” to her utmost annoyance there was still no response. She waited a few moments and placed one hand onto the branch, the moment her hand touched the branch the stranger turned his head, the hood surrounded his head and cast a dark shadow over his face that left nothing revealed. All that was visible as he looked straight at her was his eyes, those burning eyes brandished by the creature she had just killed “Fool…” he said, suddenly Mercy was hit with the strongest force which repelled her backwards and stripped her hands away from the trees bark, she through her hands back towards the tree and gripped the bark, but it was futile, the bark was stripped away from the tree and she began to fall. Though the distance was not far the tremendous force planted her into the ground so hard she felt her body bounce from the ground. Everything was a blur when she opened her eyes, she could see the tree where the stranger had previously sat and was shocked to see he had disappeared, as she battled the desire to close her eyes, which would surely result in a state of unconsciousness she felt a presence approaching her and this was confirmed when a shadow fall upon her. The stranger hovered over her for a short while before releasing another bolt of power down towards Mercy, as she slipped into a darkness away from consciousness a voice whispered in a tone of anger and yet a hint of amusement “You can’t even begin to comprehend your destiny” with that everything became black.

Aplin

Chapter two I tried to make lighter (this is very rough and a quick write because I am 50/50 whether it works)

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As she came around Mercy could sense a presence near by. Knowing these woods housed nothing but the most vile and deadliest creatures Mercy knew she would soon be required to battle whatever it was momentarily. Without moving she tried to diagnose her injuries, the fall could have been worse, it seemed her shoulders took most of the impact away from her head and her arms and legs although painful, did not feel broken.

Mercy listened closely; trying to get a location on the thing that was watching her. Whatever it was made no noise and didn’t seem to be moving. Mercy knew this was going to be a problem, whatever this thing was she would not be able to battle it with strength, she was too weak, too tired… she needed to dispose of it quickly by surprise so that it couldn’t fight back. Mercy strained her ears as best she could, listening, she heard something to her right, it sounded like someone picking something up, there was no movement that followed this sound though. Mercy felt her concealed blade against the outside of her wrist and was about to release it when something hard stuck her in the face.

Mercy leaped up into an attacking stance; ready to pounce on whatever it was that launched the object at her. To her surprise floating in front of her was an odd looking cat creature with wings. It looked at her with a curious, almost surprised look on its face, blinked twice and let out a yelp before fling upwards and tearing off through the forest. Mercy took off after the creature; she could see it ahead of her weaving in and out of the trees. The creature looked behind it just as Mercy retracted her second blade, it let out a yelp and its little legs began kicking the air seemingly trying to further gain momentum.

Mercy launched herself off the tree stump and threw herself forward, reaching for the feline. She grasped an open hand upon its tail and snapped it shut. She hit the ground and rolled twice before finally steadying herself with her free hand. The feline was thrashing around, kicking its feet and throwing its arms without any resilience. When it finally it calmed Mercy pushed off the ground with her spare hand and observed the creature. [Description to be entered her] Holding its tail it was hung upside down; much like how she’d carry home hunted game or rabbits on a successful hunt… she wondered whether it was edible… ‘Hey!’ it cried, ‘Why are you looking at me like that!?’ Mercy coughed in surprise and nearly dropped the cat whilst doing so. ‘You were thinking about eating me… weren’t you!’ Mercy looked down at her blade and released the lever in her palm, letting it slide back into concealment under her clothing.

‘You can talk?’ asked Mercy. ‘No!’ replied the cat in a rather sarcastic tone. Infuriated more at her stupidity than the cat’s response Mercy shook the cat ‘Who sent you and why were you watching me’ she asked angrily. ‘No one sent me, I was hunting for Pogi Berries near by when I heard a cry and a thud and then I came across you. To be honest I thought you were dead’. ‘Is that so… In which case, why did you strike me with a rock or whatever it was’ Mercy demanded. ‘Well… I wanted to make sure’ it replied obviously amused, followed by a silenced laugh.

WriterJohnB

I couldn't get into it. The over-long sentences in the 1st para and run-on sentences like this:

Granted, she had never seen another human being in her many visits, true, she had never left the forest without two or three battles that could have quite easily been her last and also true, that even for her, the screams of terror and the malicious howls had often disturbed her momentarily, but as soon as they fell into the white noise of the darkness it built up the feeling she had felt her self become more and more addicted too as she aged… ‘Curiosity’.

To answer your questions.

As for perspective, or Point of View, I didn't notice any problems.

Suspense? No, taking the time out in a middle of a situation to describe the blade mechanism. "On each arm, she wore a special scabbard that would spring the blade into her hand at will." enough. Keep the sentences short and concentrate on the action. Any breaks for exposition will break the tension or excitement and then you have to hope the reader can get it back.

As for your character, I found her arrogant, condescending and stupid. What assassin would go up against a grizzly bear, or whatever, with only knives and do it hundreds of times? Even a snake will balk at striking something that might injure it while it strikes. Now, if the creature had gold teeth or a bounty on its head, I might understand. But endangering yourself just for fun?

It's very wordy and needs editing to catch typos like to instead of too, and through instead of threw.

Hope that helps.

JohnB

__________________
http://www.johnbushore.com

Roxane

I read your first post, and got into it well. I couldn´t help but notice the extremely long sentences, as pointed out by JohnB. You also need to use a lot more commas. Other wise, I thought it was very well written, and I got caught in it. Though I felt that her battle seemed kind of short, in comparison to its build up.

Below I´ve written some corrections and suggestions

frustrated with the lack of information she was (beingOMIT) given.

This sounds not much different than the other stories: this does not sound different

a rather loud noise, one that revealed him to be close: could be e.g.: a rather loud noise revealing his close proximity

Not wanting to look around and alert it to her suspicion she remained looking straight ahead: she didnt want to let on her suspicion and therefore continues looking ahead?

the ones no one else would think of going TO, NOT EVEN in their worst nightmares.


Crunch. Another noise came from behind her, at most two or three trees back. : Another noise that came from at most two or three trees behind her

Just a few more moments: just a few more moments

She began thinking of what the creature could be, causing tension TO BUILD up inside her

When needed all Mercy need TO do is(WAS) clench her fists, which press a release as part of her gloves which allow the blades to slide up along the back of her wrists for immediate use. This sentence is very unclear, partly because you shift between tenses. You use need twice. Maybe you could write something like: Al Mercy needed to do was clench her fists, and blades slipped out of her gloves?


Perfectly suitED to her COMMA seeing as she often needED to climb and they dIDN`T restrict her from doing so. Mercy got into a combat stance and rotated the blades; they WERE light and therefore would not hinder HER speed WHEN taking on this beast.


Mercy for the first time assumed an offensive stance, this was no ordinary creature, even she, who had travelled and witnessed more in the last month than the average Twilight inhabitant would observe in their whole life had never come across something like this: For the first time Mercy assumed an offensive stance. Even she, who had witnessed more in the last month than the average Twilight inhabitant would observe in their whole life, had never come across something like this

It stood on all fours, AS WAS typical of the many canine species that inhabited these woods, but that is where the noticeable comparisons stopped.

She had no doubt that if they struck her they were capable of the most brutal rips and tears, however COMMA she thought… THATthis was a pretty big ‘if’.

As she and the animal crossed paths she made a large incision with her right twin blade across its stomach from the bottom of its neck right across its stomach: ...with her right twin blade, from the bottom of its neck, across its stomach.

Mercy had lost all sense of timing and compassion, she pulled the left blade out and thrust the right blade in, repeating this motion many, many times (over and over?), far beyond the point of the creatures death.

Her long black hair had been tied back, but this had been lost in the battle: Had her hair been lost, or her hairband?

She felt her face, no obvious cuts or bruises; she pulled the mirror out from her bag and observed her face: She touched her cheeks, and was relieved to find no cuts, then she pulled out her mirror to observe herself more closely?

She wore a thin top which ran across her shoulders and covered her arms and from her neck to the top of her abdominals, this kept her cool in this tropical heat, however as a result of the battle drops slid down her exposed stomach to the waistline of her shorts. Her shorts again were as minorSMALL as possible, skin tight covering only her pelvis. She pulled them up slightly before wiping the sweat from her stomach with a sleeve. I really can´t imagine her top from this description.... and, you should probably just put: Her shorts were only covering her pelvis.

“Impressive…” said a voice seemingly from the trees. Mercy perked her ears and looked around COMMA trying to pin point its location.
“Why thank you… now who the hell are you?” For a little while there was no reply, then from a seemingly closer location she was answered IT REPLIED?

“That I am afraid is not an answer I shall reveal to you just yet”: Answer I will give you, or fact I will reveal

Mercy began to feel anger well up inside her, how dare he talk to her like as if she was the underling, how dare he speak to her as his underling

“I will give you until I count to ten to come out and reveal yourself, then I am going to begin actually looking for you and then if you do make me come and find you, we’ll see about making you tell me”. I will count to ten. If you have not revealed yourself by then, I will start looking for you, then we´ll see about making you tell me”

Approaching the tree the stranger sat at IN she called “Are you

“Ready or not” she called, placing a hand on the trees rough bark she began to climb, still the ...On the rough bark of the tree

The cloak COMPLETELY concealed his figure, i think you can take away revealing no form whatsoever

was now within reaching distance of the traveller and knew within seconds she would have her payback. NEW SENTENCE She climbed the remaining distance and was now level with the branch the stranger was sat upon SITTING UPON, still he made no movement, AND no acknowledgement TO HER she was near.

Mercy was hit with the strongest force COMMA which repelled her backwards and stripped her hands away from the trees bark, she through HREW her hands back towards the tree and gripped the bark, but it was futile, the bark was stripped away from the tree and she began to fall STARTED FALLING?. Again this is WAY to long!

Though the distance was not far the tremendous force planted her into the ground so hard she felt her body bounce UPWARDS?.

appeared, as she battled the desire to close her eyes, which would surely result in a state of unconsciousness she felt a presence approaching her and this was confirmed when a shadow fall FELL upon her. Could you split this up?

The stranger hovered over her for a short while before releasing another bolt of power down towards MercyHER, as she slipped (into a darknessOMIT) away from consciousness out of consciousness?

Truth-Teller

Not commas, no.

You need more periods.

Learn to vary your sentence length and omit trivial details.

WriterJohnB

Agreed. More PERIODS. Short, precise sentences that carry action and build suspense.

JohnB

__________________
http://www.johnbushore.com

Aplin

Will do a re-write and put it up in a few days, thanks sooooo much

Sam Winchester

Mercy glanced to her right, something had been following her for at least three hours now, although she was curious as to whom and what is was she had made no attempt to communicate or demand an emergence of the unidentified tail (Okay, not only is this paragraph extreme in its length, half of it is also immaterial.). Whatever it was, it was probably awaiting its opportunity to pounce on what it no doubt believed to be ‘A female Pontainian who had wandered too deep into the wilderness (Why is this important? Do we need to know what it thinks she is?).’

After a lengthy discussion with a local farmer the previous night, it had been Mercy's curiosity that had landed her in the feared Sardenne Forest(.)
“These days no one approaches the forest of no return,” he had told her. “We may not know ‘what’ it is in there, but we know it is bad…evil even(.)”
This statement had entertained Mercy. She had visited the forest many of times, and always returned. She had not told the farmer this. It would have spoilt her fun and bring about too many boring questions (Tense change). Not that he would have believed her anyway. As for being ‘bad’, this did not even begin to describe the forces and creatures that hid in the forest, waiting in anticipation, for a lesser being to approach just a few trees and bushes beyond the forests border (This tells us nothing, instead only makes your sentence read awkwardly).

They told of generations past, before the time of ‘Kerberos’, our distant relatives would go to the forest worry free (worry-free) and pick fruits. The most delicious fruits.” He looked thoughtful for a moment before continuing. “Ah yes. It is but a dream now, right? I haven’t heard of anyone stepping within a hundred yards of that forest and being seen again. It seems every few weeks some fool thinks he or she is clever enough to survive its secrets. Just yesterday I had to explain to my daughter the foolishness of a traveller she had met who had decided he was to venture into the forest in search of some woman (You wouldn't hear anyone talk like this. It also is hard to read).” At this point Mercy had sat back down on the bar stool next to the farmer and awaited his continuation.

Determined to find out more Mercy asked if he said who he (clarify who you're talking about here) was looking for and the reason for his search. He looked puzzled for a moment before continuing. “Well, Naski, my daughter, didn’t much like the look of him. He wore a cloak, very dark. The hood hid his face and his voice was but a hoarse whisper. She didn’t get much out of him really”. Beginning to get frustrated with the lack of information she was being given, coupled with the gut feeling it was intentional, she snapped. ('snapped:' Also, seldom use dialogue tags. Let the tone of the dialogue indicate the mood of your speaker) “Well did he say anything interesting? This sounds not much different than the other twenty stories you have already told me tonight?” Looking slightly hurt and embarrassed he answered. “Well, it didn’t seem much to me either until I thought about it. The way she described him, sounds a bit mysterious if you ask me… and the name of the girl he was looking for… Mercy… doesn’t sound much like a Pontaine name does it? (Take a new paragraph when someone speaks)”

Suddenly she was snapped back to the present. 'Her (No need for an apostrophe here) stalker had just made a rather loud noise, one that revealed him to be close. He was at least within attacking distance. She slowed her pace; whatever it was she was going to give it its opportunity. Not wanting to look around and alert it to her suspicion she (suspicion, she) remained looking straight ahead. Mercy thought about all the places she had visited. The dangerous places; the (omit) ones no one else would think of going in their worst nightmares. Out of all of them, the forest was the only open aired location that bred darkness. The dark teamed up with the trunks of trees and the thick canopy above and defeated the powerful and concentrated light that came from the sun. And, although this was the case, she had always felt more at home here than she had anywhere else. Granted, she had never seen another human being in her many visits, true, she had never left the forest without two or three battles that could have quite easily been her last and also true, that even for her, the screams of terror and the malicious howls had often disturbed her momentarily, but as soon as they fell into the white noise of the darkness it built up the feeling she had felt her self become more and more addicted too as she aged (okay, this sentence is ridiculously long. You need periods or semi-colons to break it up)… ‘Curiosity’.

She began thinking of what the creature could be, causing tension built up inside her, she (her. She) gripped her twin blades so tight her hands shook and she wanted to destroy the creature that had the audacity to even try and make her its meal. She longed for its attack. Longed for the chance to use her body – the one tool that had never let her down, and smiled as finally the beast let out an almighty screech (tool that had never let her down. She smiled...). Mercy turned around in a fluent motion to face the creature, she (creature. She) couldn't distinguish its species, but it didn't come as a surprise. These forests were constantly spitting up new evil. And besides, the thought of a new foe just increased her excitement.

Mercy grasped the release in her palm and allowed her hidden blades to slide up the back of each wrist. Her weapons of choice as an assassin were ‘the twin blades’, whilst not in use these blades are (tense change. Also, new sentence after 'blades') concealed under her sleeves. When needed all Mercy need do is clench her fists, which press a release as part of her gloves which allow the blades to slide up along the back of her wrists for immediate use. Having one strapped to each arm meant she didn’t have to hold them. Perfectly suit (suited) to her seeing (her, seeing) as she often needs to climb and they don’t restrict her from doing so. Mercy got into a combat stance and rotated the blades; they are light and therefore would not hinder speed on taking on this beast (Tense change again).

The creature observed her menacingly, eyes blazing the deepest orange; she considered them for a moment, before accepting that they were not eyes at all, the sockets where his eyes should be were filled with a dancing flame (qualifier needed here - all. The sockets). The flames lit the creatures decomposed face, revealing its grotesque features. Mercy for the first time assumed an offensive stance, this (stance. This) was no ordinary creature, even (creature. Even) she, who had travelled and witnessed more in the last month than the average Twilight inhabitant would observe in their whole life had (life, had) never come across something like this. Its claws looked savage, they (either a full-stop or a hyphen after 'savage') were razor sharp and each of the four that lay upon its paws extended out as long as a katana. She had no doubt that if they struck her they were capable of the most brutal rips and tears, however (tears. However) she thought… this was a pretty big ‘if’.

The creature began to circle to the right, Mercy (right. Mercy) mirrored the move, she knew she could not out power this creature, but she would use her speed and intelligence to rip it apart piece at a time (why not try this: 'The creature circled to the right. Mercy, mirroring its movements, knew she couldn't outpower it, but she could outsmart it'.). It made a snorting noise as it threw its body through the air and out stretched (outstretched) its front to limbs towards her, Mercy (her. Mercy) threw herself under the beast in a somersaulting motion and rolled underneath it. As she and the animal crossed paths she (paths, she) made a large incision with her right twin blade across its stomach from the bottom of its neck right across its stomach. Screaming in what sounded more like anger than pain; blood was sent spraying across the floor at such a rate Mercy was splattered (The first sentence is fragment. The second is not directly related to the first, therefore a semi-colon doesn't work. You need a new sentence instead).

She drew her blade high up into the air above her head, pointed it down and thrust it deep into its exposed fleshy neck, the creature bucked and tried to throw her off (neck. The). Mercy was amused by the irony within the creature’s sudden desire to part with her after the time it had spent trailing her. She withdrew the blade and with no sympathy for its pain thrust the left blade into its neck as it dropped to the ground, legs sprawled out like a stuffed big (Consider re-wording). Mercy had lost all sense of timing and compassion, she (compassion. She) pulled the left blade out and thrust the right blade in, repeating this motion many, many times, far beyond the point of the creatures death. Using its back to push herself up onto two feet and its head as a step towards reaching the floor she smiled, this (smiled. This) was one of the strongest creatures she had ever met in these woods and she had destroyed it.


Breathing hard mercy (Breathing hard, Mercy) stepped forwards considering (forwards, considering) where this creature had come from, looking at it on the floor her hair fell in front of her eyes obscuring her view. Her long black hair had been tied back, but this had been lost in the battle. She felt her face, no obvious cuts or bruises (face - no ); she pulled the mirror out from her bag and observed her face. Her looks had always been intimidating to other females, but enticing to men. She has always been told she was naturally pretty, a lot more from drunks at the taverns. Mercy’s eyes gleamed a bright purple in the sun that seeped through the gaps in the thick forest canopy. Although not unheard of across Twilight, eyes of this colour of rare and brought her lots of attention, often a hindrance to an assassin and thief such as her self (herself). She wore a thin top which ran across her shoulders and covered her arms and from her neck to the top of her abdominals, this (abdominals. This) kept her cool in this tropical heat, however (heat. However) as a result of the battle drops (battle, drops) slid down her exposed stomach to the waistline of her shorts. Her shorts again were as minor as possible, skin tight covering only her pelvis. She pulled them up slightly before wiping the sweat from her stomach with a sleeve.

Mercy began to feel anger well up inside her, how dare he talk to her like as if she was the underling, had he not just witnessed what she had done? (inside her. How dare... underling. Had he not...) What she was capable of.(?) Making sure her tone had nothing but arrogance and amusement present she called out to the trees “I will give you until I count to ten to come out and reveal yourself, then I am going to begin actually looking for you and then if you do make me come and find you, we’ll see about making you tell me”. Moments later mercy (a person's name always is capitalised) heard movement, ( the voice was now even closer “Oh, I’m sure if you wanted to you could find me. I know more about your impressive skills and abilities than even you do… Mercy. However, I think it is in your best interest to turn around and continue walking towards that village, evidently (village. Evidently) I have sought you too early, you are not even close to ready”. The shock of hearing someone call her by her name for the first time in over 5 years took her by surprise and broke her control “Listen, I don’t do tricks, games, whatever this is, I settle things my way and that does not involve hiding in trees, unfortunately (trees. Unfortunately) for you, it contains a lot more physicality”. Then came laughter, from every direction it hit her, as though every tree in the forest was laughing at her, patronising her. Looking around for the cause of the laughter Mercy (laughter, Mercy) spotted a dark material about a quarter way up a tree in the near distance.

Smiling she began to approach it(.) “I see you(,)” she said expecting a movement to confirm her suspicion of the strangers location, but instead the laughter only got louder. Approaching the tree the stranger sat at she called “Are you going to come down and play or am I going to have to come up there and retrieve you?” again (Again) the laughter just got louder and the stranger was obviously taking great amusement in her threats. “Great” she signed (sighed? Dialogue tag again) “Ready or not” she called, placing a hand on the trees rough bark she began to climb, still the stranger did not move, did not even turn his head, even with her being just feet away from him. The cloak concealed his figure, revealing no visible form what so ever (whatsoever). Mercy longed to rip the rope from the stranger, throw him from the very tree he was perched at, watch him quake as she stood over him and make him wish he had never mocked her.

She was now within reaching distance of the traveller and knew within seconds she would have her payback, she (payback. She) climbed the remaining distance and was now level with the branch the stranger was sat upon, still (upon. Still) he made no movement, no acknowledgement she was near. “Hey… Found you… Ready to play now?” to her utmost annoyance there was still no response. She waited a few moments and placed one hand onto the branch, the (branch. The) moment her hand touched the branch the stranger turned his head, the (head. The) hood surrounded his head and cast a dark shadow over his face that left nothing revealed. All that was visible as he looked straight at her was his eyes, those burning eyes brandished by the creature she had just killed “Fool…” he said, suddenly (said. Suddenly) Mercy was hit with the strongest force which repelled her backwards and stripped her hands away from the trees bark, she through (back. She threw) her hands back towards the tree and gripped the bark, but it was futile, the (futile. The) bark was stripped away from the tree and she began to fall. Though the distance was not far the (far, the) tremendous force planted her into the ground so hard she felt her body bounce from the ground. Everything was a blur when she opened her eyes, she (eyes. She) could see the tree where the stranger had previously sat and was shocked to see he had disappeared, as (disappeared. As) she battled the desire to close her eyes, which would surely result in a state of unconsciousness she (unconsciousness, she) felt a presence approaching her and this was confirmed when a shadow fall upon her. The stranger hovered over her for a short while before releasing another bolt of power down towards Mercy, as she slipped into a darkness away from consciousness a voice whispered in a tone of anger and yet a hint of amusement “You can’t even begin to comprehend your destiny” with that everything became black.

You have a good enough story, and your vocabulary is okay, but there are a couple of things wrong. First, your punctuation skills need a radical overhaul. Second, you have a tendency to over-elaborate everything. Sentences stretch on forever without periods separating them. Third, you sacrifice plausibility in the interests of making your novel unique. But it isn't. The whole 'warrior woman' thing is great, but needs to be somewhat believable. Finally, your main character doesn't come across as confident - instead, as cocky. As readers, we won't care much for her.

I'm not coming down on you, Marc, I'm just trying to help. Your story is good, and with proper editing, I would read on; but there's a lot of work ahead.

PS: I deleted a few things that were okay so I could critique everything - 20,000 character limit on site.

Sam.

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louloubelle80

Obviously, the others have given some good advice so I won''t bother reiterating it for reiterating's sake. My suggestion to you is that you take time out to look at the presentation of dialogue. If you want to go down a standard route, as is indicated by your use of speech marks, then you need to make sure you use commas in an appropriate way. For example, and these are just hypothetical examples, if you wrote 'she called, "come over here. I want you.".' then you'd need a comma after called like here. Or, if the dialogue came before the subject and verb, like this ' "Come here," she called. "I want you".' then you'd need to put a comma after the first lot of speech within the speech marks. It is also common practice (though not everyone does it) to place a full stop before the dialogue continues on (as above) unless the subject and verb breaks up a sentence or you put something like 'then she continued' as this would then need just a comma. I hope that makes sense; it's quite difficult to explain. An easier way is to just look at how it's done in the majority of books!! Of course, some people represent dialogue in non-standard ways (like a lot of Trainspotting, for example) but I got the sense that you were going for the more standard route.

On the whole though, I thought this had promise. I think Mercy is a promising character and that it is nice to see a strong female character in fantasy fiction as these are often lacking altogether or are a bit wimpy.