Sam Winchester

Author's Note:

New part posted on page three. Thanks for reading

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a dilemma in 'Tips and Advice'. I was unsure what to do because I had written four novels but I wasn't entirely happy with the first two. I had new ideas for those, but they would mean having to re-write the entire four. Well, I decided to start on the first one. Here's the first chapter. Cheers for reading.



The man moved swiftly, though carefully, through the main thoroughfare of Lubyanka Square, past a large yellow brick building which housed the headquarters of the KGB and its many incarnations. His grip was tight on his briefcase, his heart pounding for reasons other than exertion. The few inches of snow which had fallen the night before didn’t help, but negotiating the heavily crowded street was not as difficult as he had expected, owing to the urgency of his task.

It was not unusual to see someone running in Lubyanka Square – after all, crime was just as much present here as it was in any other neighbouring city – but Dmitriev Vadislav was not running from anyone. Rather, he was rushing toward his apartment a quarter-mile away, knowing time was not on his side. As was the norm, no one bothered to attempt stopping him. Here, meddling in others’ problems was invariably met with a detaining and questioning by the overzealous FSB – the Federal Security Service; the newest incarnation of the KGB. People had long since learned to mind their own affairs.

He reached his apartment some four minutes later, winded and pained. Inside another minute, he was seated behind his computer, establishing a link with someone on the other side of the world. A customary morning briefing was about to be made, and Vadislav carefully unlocked his briefcase and set the contents beside him on the table. These briefings were usually uneventful and a tad monotonous, but this morning would be refreshingly different.

While he waited for the connection to be made, he looked out his window at the perfect view of the FSB headquarters. In the days of Stalinism, this was home to the NKVD, whose megalomaniacal soldiers performed some of the worst acts of political repression in history, including deporting peasants – named “Kulaks” – to uninhabited parts of Russia, rounding up those who rebelled against Stalin’s totalitarianism and forcing them into strenuous and cruel labour in the Gulag, and unjustly executing others. The NKVD’s successor, the KGB, to no one’s surprise, conducted themselves in similar ways. Even the current FSB, though toned down, had the same evil streak which their antecedents had thrived on. Given this brutality, it was no surprise that Vadislav had turned his back on his mother country.

The connection finally beeped as Vadislav fully recovered his breath from the unusual exertion. It was a good job, too, because he would need all his faculties to impart this information.

‘Good morning, Dmitriev.’ The American’s voice was clear and crisp, almost as though he were standing next to Vadislav.

‘Same to you, Mr. Green,’ he replied, barely able to contain his anxiousness. His English was eerily perfect. Had Mr. Green not known him personally, he would have assumed him to be American.

‘What have you got for us this morning?’

‘What you’ve been waiting for.’

‘Really? You know when it’s going to happen?’

‘To the precise detail. Unfortunately, the package is already on the move. Last sighting put it close to Northern Brazil, more specifically Manaus.’

‘How long ago, and how sure are you?’

‘About forty minutes to an hour. My sources all corroborate the intel. Now that I’ve kept up my end of the bargain, what are you going to do for me?’

‘Patience, Dmitriev. All in due time. When we verify the information, you’ll get your wish. Until then, don’t do anything. I’ve got a meeting to attend to – with the President. Once I get authorisation to secure the package, I’ll get back to you.’

‘Brilliant!’ Vadislav couldn’t hide the sarcasm. ‘Knowing your President, that might take ages.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t have thought so. Good work, Dmitriev. I will be in touch shortly.’

‘Sure you will.’



Five minutes later, a tired Walter Green knocked on the President’s private bedroom. While he waited for a reply, he thought about the current situation. They had been waiting for months for this moment – the actual figure was eighteen, but that didn’t matter. For approximately the last two years, they had been receiving sketchy intelligence that a Russian arms dealer was on the verge of creating a revolutionary weapon; one which could tilt the war on terror in the favour of the bad guys. As recently as two months earlier, the weapon had been finalised, but it wasn’t until this morning that it had been purchased and was being transported for delivery.

President James Johnson answered the door seconds later. ‘Walt? What is it? Why are you still here?’

‘It’s happening, James.’ It was only in private times like these that Green called the President by his first name. Being Johnson’s lifetime friend accrued him that right, but he seldom used it.

‘Tonight?’ the President was sceptical. ‘That wasn’t expected.’

‘Terrorists don’t fax us when they do stuff like this. It’s always unexpected.’

‘How sure are you?’

‘Our man on the inside has corroborated the intel with his sources. This is as good as it gets.’

‘Okay. This was your ball from the beginning, Walt. Run with it as you see fit.’ Johnson wanted his nose clean if this were ever to backfire, so this was as close to a Presidential approval as Green was going to get. That was fine.

‘Thank you, Mr President. This will be resolved before you awake.’



The peaceful yet disturbing dream vanished as the phone rang for the thirteenth chime. The image of an old case dissipated as Jon Peters reached across his wife for the telephone, an inexplicable frown etched on his ever handsome face. To call the Director of the FBI at home was one thing, but to call his home and at this hour meant something else entirely.

‘Hello?’ the answer was barely coherent.

‘Jon? Jim Fehan. It’s happening. Tonight.’

That got his attention, and he was immediately fully awake. ‘Have you spoken with anyone yet?’

‘You’re the first. Green’s already gotten approval from the President. We’re green-lighted.’

‘Where is the package?’

‘Manaus, Brazil, as of ten minutes ago. My men are already in the air. ETA, ninety minutes.’

‘Okay, Jim. Time to wake the stragglers. Call all the players and tell them there’s a meeting – this morning, eight A.M. sharp. When we get this package, we’re damn sure going to be prepared.’

‘Understood. I’ll keep you apprised of the details.’



That's all so far. Let me know what you think.




Sam.

__________________

mikilala1the1third

Ooooh goood!! I really liked that. My only comment would be on the first paragraph: it's a little too detailed in my opinion, and all the commas make it hard to read. If I could make a suggestion, you should try making the comma after KGB into a period and changing the first couple words to "His grip was tight on his briefcase..."

Just my opinion. Otherwise, that was really, really good!!

__________________

booker41

Well, I thought that was a good read. I liked the dialogue. There's probably mistakes, but i'm not knowledgeable to point them out. lol. I had to re-read the Russian names a few times, but over-all I enjoyed it.

mikilala1the1third

Yeah, I loved the dialogue too. No wordy descriptions about how they did the talking or what they were doing while talking like mine tend to have. It's pretty hard to cut out the fat from conversations sometimes.

__________________

Sam Winchester

Cheers for the comments, guys. Mikilala, I've looked over the first sentence again, and I agree that it's slightly longish. Thanks for the input.

Sam.

__________________

Jax1108

SAM!!
It's me! haha
Ok so I read this and, even though it is not really my kind of genre, I geniunly liked it! Then again, what do I know? I was "converted" into a reader, actually hated it as a child, so when I started I was pushed into the fantasy/sci fi realm by an ex bf. I should probably extend my horizons, eh?

Anyway I think it was very engaging. You write SO well. So clear and correct and easy to read; enjoyable to read. And your smart. I could never write something like this. (then again I am not you ) You have a great command of voice and tone. I'd love to see more!

With all the being said, I agree with the comment about the first sentence. However, I do like the details. I would just try to make it into two sentences instead of one, it sorta detracts from him carrying the briefcase, I guess you could say. But I say, keep the details in.

So there you have it. I am not as knoweldgable as you and some others but I hope that helped. I appreciate your willingness to teach and to learn, Sam. Thanks for posting!

Jax

__________________
Warning: Contains mass amounts of cheese.

Sam Winchester

__________________

workingdee

so, i totally dug it. Nice. I'm looking forward to further installments. It came across very cinematically for me. I could see everything happening very clearly.

__________________
Go ahead and critique my stuff... it's cool if you hate it and it's cool if you love it. All crit is appreciated!

Leamadzw

Fantastic writing again. I struggled to enjoy the actual story, but that's nothing to do with how you wrote it. That's just me and my fussiness. I really like the way the story is put across Sam. Well done

Sam Winchester

Lea and Working Dee - thanks for the comments. Glad you enjoyed it, WD. Lea, thanks for reading on even though it wasn't enjoyable for you. Your comments are appreciated. I hope to have the next part posted for either tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Thanks.

Sam.

__________________

adrianhayter

Hi Sam,

From a reader's perspective - you know that guy, he's the one who picks the book off the shelve at the book story and thumbs through the first couple of pages. Anyway, regardless of how good the writing is (and it's excellent) , he's going to put it back because where's the car chase, the murder, and the rape? That's assuming that this story is about spies, terrorism, espionage, and thermo-nuclear war. If that's not the story, he will not even pick it up in the first place.

So, maybe just a touch of action right at the first, then go into the descriptions. What do you think? It's just an idea.

Adrian

__________________
My Blog

Sam Winchester

Fair point, Adrian. I agree with you that you need some reason to read on, though what that might be I'm not sure yet. The next part was going to show them going after the package, trying to retrieve it, so there's plenty of action there. But it might be too far in for people lifting it off the shelves to read that far.

Anyway, your opinion is appreciated, and I will think about how to incorporate some action into the first few scenes.

Cheers for that, Adrian.

Sam.

__________________

BOURBON

I would definitely go on reading! Just one thing, probably being picky, but the word 'imperativeness' didn't sit well. I like the clipped and concise style. BB

Sam Winchester

Acknowledged, BB. Time to dust off the thesauras!

Sam.

__________________

Katastrof

Sam, I have to thank you. I use to love Tom Clancy/Robert Ludlum type thrillers. It use to be all that I read, but I eventually got tired of it. Too much of the same thing, you know? However, after reading this, you have sparked my interest into the genre once again.

You haven't had a detailed critique yet, and since I liked this, I guess I'll give it a shot.

(All the red up there is not because your writing is bad but because I was trying to kill the run-ons you had in that paragraph. I'm trying to give you an example with it, I am in no way trying to re-write it.)

Like most of the other commenters, the first sentence is way too long. Defiantly a run-on. Maybe even the last sentence. It also shows another small fault I saw with this piece in general: you cram too much information into one sentence. It's not that you're telling a lot but that you're explaining too many things (some not useful) at once. Another glaring example of over-explaining:

Really, it only happens in the first five or so paragraphs and then after that it tapers off, which not only helps the flow but also gets rid of any run-on sentences. So ya, it gets more enjoyable to read after the first 5 paras. (Not saying the description isn't good, just TMI, which can lead to a bored reader.)

(Just a spelling mistake I caught)

Only piece dialog that seemed awkward to me. Wouldn't 'Oh, I don't think so' be more natural? Meh, not sure, just sounds a bit weird to me.

I disagree with Adrian; I think there is enough action here (whether its explosives or not) to entice a reader. It certainly enticed me and I'm quite a heavy reader(I can't wait for the next part!).

One more gripe: the title. Counter Strike is already a name for a Half-Life (video game) mod. If it's just a working title it's alright, but I'm not sure if you want to call it this...

Anyways, thanks again Sam for the awesome read. Hope I helped.

__________________
Read: Auld Lang Syne

"Carpe Diem, quam minimum credula postero"
(Seize the day put no trust in tomorrow.) ~ Horace