Counter Strike (work in progress) - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Just Jim · 03-10-2008, 09:24 PM

Hey Sam,

I'm one of those guys who reads the first paragraph and decides whether to throw it down or not. I would surely read your book, but not with that paragraph. It needs to be clean with no extra info. You mention the inerations of the KGB later, and I don't care about Alexey Shchusev.

Catastrof did a pretty good chop, but here's mine without the edit marks:

The man moved swiftly, though carefully, through Lubyanka Square, past the large yellow brick headquarters of the KGB. His grip was tight on his briefcase, his heart pounding for reasons other than exertion. The few inches of snow didn’t help, but negotiating the crowded street was not as difficult as he had expected, owing to the urgency of his task.

Once you get me past the intro, it's a great read, and there's plenty of intrigue to hold my interest.

Sam Winchester · 03-11-2008, 05:02 AM

Katastrof and Just Jim, thanks for the solid input. I'll take your advice on board.

Katastrof - thanks for critiquing the first paragraph. I agree that it does dump a lot of information on you at once, and it's too long. BTW, the American-English spelling is 'skeptical,' the English spelling is 'sceptical'. Thanks.

Sam

shraga · 03-11-2008, 09:38 AM

A very enjoyable read, I am intrigued to see where it goes. Adrian has a piont but not every novel needs to start with action.

Sam Winchester · 03-11-2008, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shraga

A very enjoyable read, I am intrigued to see where it goes. Adrian has a piont but not every novel needs to start with action.

Thanks for that, Shraga. Hopefully I'll post the next part sometime today. As far as the action goes, there's plenty in it. Cheers.

Sam.

The Alchemist · 03-11-2008, 01:23 PM

The Alchemist · 03-11-2008, 01:24 PM

Delete.

The Alchemist · 03-11-2008, 01:24 PM

Delete. Stupid post button.

The Alchemist · 03-11-2008, 01:24 PM

Delete! What in Sam's Hell is wrong with that stupid button?

The Alchemist · 03-11-2008, 01:38 PM

A budding Tom Clancy, are you?

Well, I enjoyed the bit that was there, but... there wasn't enough. Without reading more, I can't safely analyze the portion you have presented without making an unfair judgment or to.

I think back to high school and the whole reading comprehension technique the teacher would push at us... The W's and H

You've got the where, the what, the who, and the how. But I don't see a why. And nothing that makes the reader attempt to draw any conclusions to that himself.

What this needs, in my opinion as a reader, is a bit of foreshadowing. Something more to keep the reader going on. Sure, they want to know more about these characters, and that may sustain them for a while, but if they don't get a little more than that they may lose interest. I struggle in my writing with this also, so I know that this can be a challenge.

Challenge yourself, mate. Don't keep writing. Go back to the beginning and work through it again until it's perfect.

Some people think that editing and revision should be saved for last. I don't. I'm a bit meticulous that way.

Cheers,

Al

Florianstamp · 03-11-2008, 01:58 PM

Sam, I like this. I wont point out what has already been said. Its not my genre, but i still enjoyed it. Alot of description there, pretty much the opposite of what my own writings problems, I have too little description.

Sam Winchester · 03-11-2008, 02:36 PM

Alchemist - yeah, Tom Clancy's an inspiration of mine (the old Clancy). I get what you're saying too. It's been said by Adrian, and in the re-post I'll be sure to see if I can fit a little action in.

Florianstamp - Thanks for that. Appreciate it.

Sam.

The Alchemist · 03-12-2008, 01:26 PM

Nah, Im not saying throwing in an action sequence. I'm a "less is more" person, and usually focus on abstract things and hope to make it interesting. I once wrote a story about rain. Yeah, I know. American Beauty guy. Too bad I didn't have a plastic bag on hand.

What I AM saying is don't move the plot forward to quickly, but give the reader a little more reason to keep going. Play on human curiosity. It never fails. Work on the characters a bit, too. Right now, they seem a little flat and... undercooked.

Maybe it's just me, and it probably is, but I find it hard to connect with the characters.

SpeediCut- · 03-12-2008, 02:28 PM

I'd change 'the imperativeness of his task' to 'urgency of...' or 'the imperative nature of his task'. Other than that, good

Tiamat10 · 03-12-2008, 06:30 PM

Hey Sam, I'm just getting around to reading this. Truth be told, I started it once the day you posted it, saw that it wasn't my genre, and clicked my 'back' button.

But I gave it another go just now. It's still not my genre so take my criticisms with a grain of salt. I felt bombarded with information and every few sentences I felt myself wondering "and I need to know this, why?"

Your writing, barring that first sentence, is just about flawless so I don't have to go into that. And, once you were done throwing the info around, I got into it pretty well. The way you end this makes me curious about what comes next, as well.

So, genre prejudices aside, this was well done.

Sam Winchester · 03-12-2008, 06:34 PM

You're exactly right about the first few sentences, Tiamat. I have read them and re-read them a hundred times, and, funnily enough, I'm just after rephrasing them now. I think I was trying to impart too much information in such a short space of time, and as you said, it really wasn't necessary to know that this yellow brick building was 'Alexey's...'. So, thank you for taking the time to have a look at it. Your comments are much appreciated.

Sam.