Erdhexe

I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep up the good work!

Claudia

Sam Winchester

Thank you very much, Claudia. I will post the next part whenever I'm happy with it and all mistakes (that I can find!) are fixed.

Sam.

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Xenophile

Sam, I was impressed with this. From the very first paragraph, it built suspense. I had all kinds of unanswered questions, which made me want to read more -- why was Mr. Chan so intimidating? Why did he and his daughter adopt American names after moving here? (That is actually quite a common practice, but people have different reasons for doing it). Why did Derek have to formally ask for her hand in marriage? Did Mr. Chan have a problem with their interracial relationship? What happened when the robber/murderer attacked them? Was Michelle killed or just injured?

In the second chapter, I was again intrigued by why Mr. Chan would offer to pay the rest of Derek's expenses, and I wondered if Derek would ever walk again. I wondered who Mr. Chan's agent was, too. Yes, he has a Japanese name, and I didn't know if that was intentional. It's not unheard of for Japanese and Chinese people to work together but it's unusual. You might want to make him Chinese. There are all kinds of baby naming sites online that I find very useful for character names.

As far as the descriptions of Appalachia, I suggest going online or to the library to find pictures of the terrain you're describing. Appalachia is a pretty big place. It's often foggy, with the mountains looking purple in the distance. Driving through it, you can look down the mountainside and see picturesque little towns nestled in the valleys, especially in Pennsylvania. Last time I was there it was autumn, and the trees were exquisitely red and gold. Put in some place names, too, such as rivers they cross or towns they go through, which always adds verisimilitude.

I didn't see the prologue version, but I think in general it's better to start with chapters than prologues. I'm just not a big fan of prologues. They seem almost like forewords and prefaces, which I usually skip to get right to the book itself. So good call on changing that.

I hope you'll keep working on this. I love the tone of menace and am very curious as to what happens when Derek and Mr. Chan finally meet up. (I keep picturing Mr. Chan as George Takei in Heroes -- do you get Heroes in Ireland?)

Xeno

Sam Winchester

Thanks for the read, Xenophile. I don't want to give too much away, but Daniel Chan (maybe I should really change the names, but for the moment they'll suffice) is a mult-millionaire, so he's someone who wants the very best for his daughter, and Michelle fears that he won't give his blessing to their marriage. I don't want it to have anything to do with interracial couples, but that could be a side-reason if I prefer.

When you say American names, do you mean "Michelle" and "Daniel". I'm not too sure why they adopted them, but I'll think of something. What are the most common reasons?

What happened when the robber attacked? Ah, but if I tell you that, what would be the point in reading on?

Chan offers to pay the expenses as a pretence to something else. I'm not sure what yet. Until someone else pointed it out, I was unaware that I had used a Japanese name. Thank you for pointing that out.

I shall have to look at the maps - Google maps is pretty good for that, right? Any others?

As for Heroes, yes I do get it, but I'm only on the first season, so please don't spoil anything for me! I'm not familiar with George Takei - is he "Hiro"?

Again, thank you for taking the time to read it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope to post the next part soon.

Thanks all.

Sam.

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lilacstarflower

I read this through and it flows pretty well

The only two things I picked up on were:

1. "from her fitful sleeping" which didn't go to well with the "no sleep" in the next sentence. Perhaps 'little sleep' would fit better

2. As you know punctuation is not my strongest point but I was wondering if "Shit" he exclaimed should be "Shit!" and maybe some other description?

Enjoyed this

Sam Winchester

1. I think one of them has to do with her getting no sleep the night before, and the other is about her fitful sleeping in the car; although I'm not sure. I'll take a look at it.

2. I think he muttered the word, which would explain why the exclamation was omitted. Again, I'll check it too.

Thanks for the read, Andrea.

Sam.

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Words of Ivory

Well written. Well paced. Good dialogue.

There does some to be a lack of detail in places though. I'm not saying you should layer the whole thing entirely in metaphors like some bad writers do. but there are some parts where the use of them could add a little more oomph to actions you're describing.

One example is there part at the start where he wakes his girlfriend. The actions are jut way too... forwardly presented. This occurs through the piece, although it doesn't spoil the reading of it.

Maybe that's just a preference of mine though.

If you follow what I mean, I'm sure you'll be able to notice other examples.

Still very, very well written though, with a smart eye for reader's interest.

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Sam Winchester

Thank you very much, Michael; your words are much appreciated. I will take a look at the area you have mentioned and see if I can do anything to it.

Thanks again.

Sam.

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booker41

Excellent read Sam. Interesting, and well paced.

Sam Winchester

Thank you, Booker.

Sam.

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Erdhexe

Hello Sam,

I'm back again. Sorry I didn't post more detailed thoughts earlier, but I take a while until things become clear to me. As you know, I can't tell a grammatical error for a writer's writing style, hehe, but I can offer some comments on the substance of a piece.

I, being the girly girl that I am, miss a bit of Butler's emotions toward his wife-to-be. Or are his feelings for her cooling down, are they becoming estranged? You don't have to write a whole paragraph about his feelings for Michelle, but you could add a few simple words.

Also, American men would say, "Relax, hon." I have noticed that American men's language starts changing toward the woman they love, which I have always found an endearing quality. When they talk to their gf's or wifes, they often add hon, honey, sweetheart, darling, love to their sentences. If they don't, they're either upset, or thinking about divorce

So, if you add this word, you'd give Butler an utterly American quality, AND you'd tell the reader that he loves his fiance.

It also strikes me as strange that he never spends a single thought of her in the rehab. If you don't want to let the reader know what happened to her yet, that's fine, but he really ought to think of her at least once. He was about to marry her, after all. Perhaps he could think something like "I miss her." The reader will know he cares, AND wonder: why? is she dead? Is she in a coma? Did she leave him after all this happened?

And last but not least I would like to point out:

I would shorten:

'Let's go,' Butler whispered.

'What?' Michelle asked in a shaky voice.

'I said let's go!'

'What happened?'

'It doesn't matter. We have to get out of here before the cops come. Come on!'

Butler rushed back to his car and helped Michelle inside. He leaned his head back on the headrest and wondered what the hell to do now. It was then that he saw it. Parked directly beside the front door was a large Cherokee jeep. How he'd missed out on the way out was a mystery. And then it hit him. He'd erred. Badly. Perhaps fatally.

Into this:

'Let's go,' Butler whispered. ' We have to get out of here before the cops come. Come on!' He rushed back to his car and helped Michelle inside. He leaned his head back on the headrest and wondered what the hell to do now. It was then that he saw it. Parked directly beside the front door was a large Cherokee jeep. How he'd missed out on the way out was a mystery. And then it hit him. He'd erred. Badly. Perhaps fatally.

The conversation reads like unnecessary filler, plus you avoid portraying Michelle as a dumb, shaken woman. Men have a tendency doing that. It's not real. Believe me, any woman with an IQ higher than room temperature knows that it's a robbery when she hears a gun being fired in a gas station.

But my earlier opinions did not change. I still think that your chapters are fast-paced and suspenseful, and a great read.

Claudia

Sam Winchester

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Erdhexe

Yes, you showed it briefly. I just think it's a bit too vague. What were the images?

Yes, it would be derogatory when a stranger says it, but not when the boyfriend or husband calls his love this way. It doesn't have to be hon. if you don't like it, could be love, or sweetie. Hon. is so nicely American, though, and you do write about an American. It's just a suggestion. I thought it would add some emotion.

If you have good reasons for him not thinking about his girlfriend in the rehab, than that's okay. It just hit me as strange that he wouldn't spend much thought of the woman he wanted to spend his life with, that's all.

You don't need to apologize! I didn't think you portrayed her as stupid intentionally! Yes, people do freeze in such moments, but why does it always have to be the woman? lol. You don't want to be cliche, do you? I only wanted to point out that this part of the conversation might come across that way. I've heard that publishers, especially female ones, and of these there are many, don't like woman chars acting weak and dumb (unless it's for a purpose).

Claudia

Sam Winchester

If I show the images, it will give away what happened to her, and I don't want that... yet.

I'll think about the "hon" thing. Some of those female publishers might take offence to that!

Okay, I agree. Since I didn't want to portray her as stupid in any case, I'll change that up.

Thanks again, Claudia.

Sam.

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Erdhexe

Hehe, nah, I don't think they'd take offense to the "hon" thing. This is her finance saying it.

It was my pleasure, Sam.

Claudia