Help With A Story. - Writers Forum

KDAYE · 03-04-2008, 06:12 PM

Hey, I've posted this story here before, I've finished it, finally. And I want feedback. What was your initial reaction after reading it? What do you like about it? What don't you like about it? And what can be changed to make it a more effective piece?

remember?

She says she can’t remember where she put her camera and she has to take a picture with me before we both leave for good. I cross my arms and tap the ball of my foot against the floor, but she doesn’t sense the urgency. The rapping sound just becomes the soundtrack to her weird way of sorting through the mess of acid washed denim, flower patterned dresses and graphic t-shirts that say silly things like ‘I’m With Stupid’. She squints at the suitcase for an answer we both know has evaded her.

I study her fragile frame. She’s no bigger than 90 pounds because of the medicine. She looks around the crowded room she shares with her sisters when she visits for winter and summer, but never spring break. I sigh, and kneel down to help her.

It has to be here, I say shaking a jacket before I toss it to the side.
Remember when you said you’d write that book about everybody’s life? she asks.
Yeah
Are you still gonna do it?
Yeah, I’m working on it.
That’s gonna be so awesome.

She dives under the bed for somethingshe says looked like her camera out the corner of her eye. She lets out a yawn. I catch it.

We both give up and go sit on the roof of her apartment complex. We waste time staring at the sky counting the stars out on one hand as The Carpenters Superstar plays softly from her tiny radio.

Do you remember the last time you laughed so hard you cried? she asks.
I can’t, I say shaking my head.
Me neither.

She pushes her glasses up with her finger and chuckles under her breath. I stare out and try to think of the last time I did laugh so hard I cried. You never really know the answer to questions like that until someone asks you. I mean you think you know yourself so well you know simple shit like your favorite holiday or color or parent until someone asks you and you’re at a loss for words.

There was that time I forgot to set my clock back for Daylight Saving Time and when I woke up I thought I was late for work and rushed to get there only to find out I was one hour early. I thought that was pretty funny. Then there was that time I would only read Chuck Palahniuk novels until I got to Rant and couldn’t get past the second chapter. That was funny, even funnier than me reading a Chuck Palahniuk novel. I’m pretty sure my eyes lit up when the thought came to me. I bet you could even see a light bulb go off above my head like in cartoons.

I remember, I say.
Remember what? she asks turning to me.
The last time I laughed so hard I cried.
When was it? She laughs.
It was last summer, when me and Grant threw you that big surprise party.
….
You helped with the party and didn’t know it was for you.
…
And you didn’t show up, because you thought it was for someone else.

I burst into laughter mimicking that time. I stop when I notice I’m laughing alone. She stares at the few stars in the sky. Her eyes squint and she forces a half smile. I still laugh a bit every now and then but the high has come down. She turns to me.

I don’t remember that, she says.

jaworski · 03-04-2008, 07:34 PM

I find this difficult to read because you don't use punctuation properly. If somebody is speaking then you should use '' or "" otherwise it just gets very confusing. I also feel that for a first person narrative, you try a bit too much to make general/philosophical statements that seem out of place and feels a little forced or maybe thats just your style. I'm not sure. But lines like "The rapping sound just becomes the soundtrack to her weird way of sorting through the mess of acid washed denim, flower patterned dresses and graphic t-shirts" doesn't do much for me. Sorry.

KDAYE · 03-04-2008, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaworski

I find this difficult to read because you don't use punctuation properly. If somebody is speaking then you should use '' or "" otherwise it just gets very confusing. I also feel that for a first person narrative, you try a bit too much to make general/philosophical statements that seem out of place and feels a little forced or maybe thats just your style. I'm not sure. But lines like "The rapping sound just becomes the soundtrack to her weird way of sorting through the mess of acid washed denim, flower patterned dresses and graphic t-shirts" doesn't do much for me. Sorry.

I know about punctuation i make a stylistic choice not to use it, i don't like doing things you "should" do.

Faustling · 03-04-2008, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDAYE

I know about punctuation i make a stylistic choice not to use it, i don't like doing things you "should" do.

That's not good. It's totally okay to break the stylistic "rules" once in a while but then it should be for a good reason, not just in order to break it.

KDAYE · 03-04-2008, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Faustling

That's not good. It's totally okay to break the stylistic "rules" once in a while but then it should be for a good reason, not just in order to break it.

we can just agree to disagree, then.

kaseyisrad · 03-04-2008, 07:57 PM

its good.
except for the fact that my eyes and brain hurt from trying to read this with out """" these wonderful things man kind made.

Faustling · 03-04-2008, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDAYE

we can just agree to disagree, then.

Fair enough.

omginternetlord · 03-04-2008, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDAYE

I know about punctuation i make a stylistic choice not to use it, i don't like doing things you "should" do.

The whole principle of writing is based around outletting your own artistic ideas by a method governed by certain rules.

The rules are there to make the text easier to read. They are not just there for the sake of it.

KDAYE · 03-04-2008, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by omginternetlord

The whole principle of writing is based around outletting your own artistic ideas by a method governed by certain rules.

The rules are there to make the text easier to read. They are not just there for the sake of it.

Granted, but did you not know that was dialouge? I don't believe quotes make anything easier. Honestly, to me writing is an art. To conform an art to styles, essentially a box, is crazy to me.

The main function of language is communication. Punctuation is a language tool that facilitates language's ability to be as effective as it possibly can. If the punctuation I chose was chosen because I felt it was the best way to punctuate so as to communicate what you wanted to communicate, and more importantly how I wanted it to be communicated, what's the problem?

omginternetlord · 03-04-2008, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDAYE

It has to be here, I say shaking a jacket before I toss it to the side.

But this sentence for example, it's off-putting and confusing.

Now for example, what If I wanted to say the following with your method:

'The man decided to pursue his destiny.' He carried on forward, deep in thought.

Not that I would ever use that as a sentence, but I just wanted an example.

The word "ambiguity" has never been more appropriate.

Sam Winchester · 03-05-2008, 02:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDAYE

I know about punctuation i make a stylistic choice not to use it, i don't like doing things you "should" do.

Do you know how many submissions an editor of a publishing company gets daily? Hundreds. He has so many manuscripts on his desk that he probably can't see over them. And he is just looking for one excuse - the smallest, most innocuous excuse - to toss your manuscript in the bin. I've had manuscripts rejected because I forgot to have it 12pt. Do you honestly think an editor is going to give your piece a second glance if he sees that there aren't any punctuation marks? He'll gladly toss it in the bin.

You don't like doing things that you 'should' do? Well I'm afraid you're going to need to quell that if you ever hope to be a published author.

I'm not being harsh, just realistic.

Sam.

lemonavenue · 03-05-2008, 02:55 AM

Okay, I understand what you're doing here. This is stream of conciousness writing. I've read a book written with this style before (no quotation marks, first person present) and it only took a little while to get used to, after that it was like reading a normal story. Anyway, I like your short story. It feels very personal and has a quiet tone, yet was still interesting because of the characters. The anecdotes need work though. I think they're supposed to be meaningful but I didn't find any of them memorable.

Now that that's been said... I don't understand. If you did put quotation marks around the dialouge, what would it take away from your story? And those lines that are in bigger font than the rest of the story, I can't understand why they're important. Are you trying to show that your character put emphasis on them?

This is a simple, sweet story. But your choice of style distracts from that and has caused tremors in the forum. Therefore if the purpose of language is to communicate meaning, and your use of language has failed that purpose, then it needs a change. People should see your story first; style is secondary.

Sam Winchester · 03-05-2008, 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paradice_creature

i must say sam.
i think you are a such an ass.

i think u have a constructed persona for your work, a fake picture, voice, location, and every other trick in the book just to hope u get noticed.
u suck editors cock with suck rigor that they tell u anything to keep you coming back.
i find your "know it all" aproach highley american, australian. and frankly just so out of line and fake.

get a fucking life man.
if they wont publish you or read it becuase of tiny things, then just give it a rest! dont come on here and be harsh to everyone just becuase youv spend 12 hours of your day agonising of sentance structure, whereas some of us have people to carry our ideas and concepts beyond the skills of our abilities.

I would take you seriously if you had even half a brain, or knew how to construct a grammatically correct sentence. And by the way, there is nothing fake about my location. What you see on that page - that's where I'm from. You really don't have a clue, do you, Paradise? You think all you have to do is come up with the idea and write it poorly, and then some shmuck will come along and do the rest for you. That just shows how deluded you are. No publisher in the world will accept half-assed crap! I've heard of people being rejected because they forgot to double-space their first few paragraphs. You live in this fantasy world where you think it's easy to make it as an author, and that you're going to become a millionaire in no time at all. Good luck with that.

omginternetlord · 03-05-2008, 07:45 AM

When is someone gonna ban this forum troll? (paradice_creature)

Grapefight · 03-05-2008, 07:54 AM

Don't ban him! He's funny. He's like a lovable town oaf, always shuffling about and barking silly oaf-thoughts, lifting spirits and warming hearts. Truly, he is a blessing.

Anyway...

This is a good story. It's concise but meaningful, and it flows very nicely. Though the omission of quotation marks tripped me up for a second, it was easy enough to adjust. However, as fairly inconspicuous as this stylistic choice is, you really should consider whether or not it's even worth while. If you're hoping to get this published, that minor compromise could boost your chances quite a bit.