Black Ice - Writers Forum

Christopher Gilbert · 02-04-2008, 11:47 AM

This is just the beginning, I will post the rest

It was only a week and half before Christmas, so everyone was busy trying to buy presents or getting the house clean for when the family comes over. Christmas was many people’s favorite holiday of the year. This is mainly due to the family getting together, or the beautiful scenery of the white snow on the ground, or maybe just all of the gifts. However there were the occasional few that did not feel that joy at Christmas time. It was possible that these people had lost family members or were given nothing for Christmas in their youth. There was one family in particular that was split down the middle. About half of the family liked Christmas and the other half did not care for it. This upcoming Christmas however would be one the that one hundred percent of them would remember. Bobby and Angie Houston were both 46 years old and had been married for over twenty two years. They had three children: Mary, 23, Aaron, 21, and Sean, 18. Mary was the smart one who always did everything by the book. She had recently graduated college and just started working as a substitute teacher. Mary had been together with Tyrell for a little over a year and they were really in love. Aaron was the funny one who always kept everyone laughing with his crazy jokes. He was in college and dating Mia who has just found she is pregnant. Lastly there is Sean, the party animal. He is a real ladies man with a gift for getting with any girl he pleases. He is a senior in high school, but his grades have slipped due to all of his partying. Bobby and Angie were loving and caring parents to all of them.

WriterJohnB · 02-04-2008, 12:34 PM

You didn't say what sort of comments you wanted, but I found this to be preachy and all "tell." Preachy because of phrases like "this is mainly due" and "However there were ." Tell because all but two sentences started with noun or pronoun, followed by was, is or had. Passive verbs that tell, rather than showing.

I can see you're setting the scene here and, to tell the truth, it pisses me off when I'm reading for pleasure and writers do that.

If I went to the theater or the movies and somebody came out before the curtain went up or the projector came on and told me what I was going to see, I'd be pissed, too. "Okay, it was Chrismas and there's a family rushing around getting ready for Christmas, buying Christmas presents and getting ready for when families get together at Christmas and some of them like Christmas and others don't. (Note that I'm overusing the word "Christmas. Gets boring doesn't it?) Now, it's possible that some people don't like Christmas because they've lost family members at Christmas or were given nothing for Christmas in their youth. This upcoming Christmas however would be one the that one hundred percent of them would remember. Now you're going to meet Bobby and Angie, who were both 46,and had been married for over twenty two years. They had three children: Mary, 23, Aaron, 21, and Sean, 18. Mary was the smart one who always did everything by the book. She had recently graduated college and just started working as a substitute teacher. Mary had been together with Tyrell for a little over a year and they were really in love. Aaron was the funny one who always kept everyone laughing with his crazy jokes. He was in college and dating Mia who has just found she is pregnant. Lastly there is Sean, the party animal. He is a real ladies man with a gift for getting with any girl he pleases. He is a senior in high school, but his grades have slipped due to all of his partying. Bobby and Angie were loving and caring parents to all of them."

That's not the way it goes. Usually the action on the silver screen will start even before the title and credits begin. The viewers start the story and they get to know the characters like in real life; they watch what they're doing.

It's the same with stories or novels. Start with the story, catch the reader's interest, then SHOW which kid is funny, and which is a ladies man and which one is in love.

Hope that helps and I also hope that I didn't come across as preachy.

Take care,

JohnB

Sam Winchester · 02-04-2008, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christopher Gilbert

This is just the beginning, I will post the rest

It was only a week and half before Christmas, so everyone was busy trying to buy presents or getting the house clean for when the family comes over. Christmas was many people’s favorite holiday of the year. This is mainly due to the family getting together, or the beautiful scenery of the white snow on the ground, or maybe just all of the gifts. However there were the occasional few that did not feel that joy at Christmas time. It was possible that these people had lost family members or were given nothing for Christmas in their youth. There was one family in particular that was split down the middle. About half of the family liked Christmas and the other half did not care for it. This upcoming Christmas however would be one the that one hundred percent of them would remember. Bobby and Angie Houston were both 46 years old and had been married for over twenty two years. They had three children: Mary, 23, Aaron, 21, and Sean, 18. Mary was the smart one who always did everything by the book. She had recently graduated college and just started working as a substitute teacher. Mary had been together with Tyrell for a little over a year and they were really in love. Aaron was the funny one who always kept everyone laughing with his crazy jokes. He was in college and dating Mia who has just found she is pregnant. Lastly there is Sean, the party animal. He is a real ladies man with a gift for getting with any girl he pleases. He is a senior in high school, but his grades have slipped due to all of his partying. Bobby and Angie were loving and caring parents to all of them.

The first problem occurs in the very first sentence. It was only a week and half before Christmas, so everyone was busy trying to buy presents or getting the house clean for when the family comes over.
You're using two tenses in the one sentence. It was only a week... and then everyone was trying to buy... and then you've said 'or getting'. You've gone from past tense to present tense there without even noticing. The entire line should read, 'It was only a week and a half before Christmas, and everyone was busy tyring to buy presents or clean the house for when the family came over'. It might read better at the end like this 'or clean the house for when the family arrived home for the holidays'.
Your second mistake is the biggest one in the world of writing, and the number one rule every English teacher will preach to you: Omit needless words. You've said the word 'Christmas' at least a half dozen times during the piece. If you have to repeat it, call it the 'festive season' or even 'holidays' but avoid reptitiveness. Again, omit needless words - 'this is mainly due'. This is the pejorative curse of editors. They see that in a manuscript and they invariably toss it in the bin. Again you've changed tenses in those two sentences. 'Christmas was many peoples favourite holiday of the year'. And then: 'This is mainly due...' If you're going to be jumping from tenses you're only going to make things more difficult by confusing yourself. Also, I don't think the 'peoples' part gets an apostrophe because it's plural, but I'm not sure. Scrap the 'this is mainly...' thing. It's just a pointless cliche that authors think is cool. Instead, say 'This is because...' or 'because of this...' but be careful with the second one, as some die hard editors still believe in the 'and, but, and because' rule.
Finally, I wasn't drawn into the story at all. In fact I found it boring. Harsh I know, but you've gotta be able to take a critique. I have no idea where it's leading, what's it's about other than Christmas; nor do I have any inkling to read on to find out. You've gotta have a catch to draw the reader in. When I was in primary school, every monday morning the teacher would ask us to write down what we did at the weekend. Since our weekends were pretty much the same every weekend, my mom told me to make up a story to make my story interesting. That's what you have to do. There has to be something for the reader to be interested in, otherwise they'll put down the book after a couple of pages and never open it again. What is the story about, and where do you plan on going with it?
Your friend, Sam.

Christopher Gilbert · 02-04-2008, 07:39 PM

The entire Houston family was busy, whether it was passing out exams, taking exams before winter break, or putting up Christmas decorations. Aaron however was having the most interesting day of them all. His girl Mia was three months pregnant and decided that no matter what she was going to keep the baby. Aaron was upset because he felt that it was the wrong time in his life to have a kid. So after arguing with Mia, and went to the nearby church to relieve some of his stress. It was the middle of a week day so no visitors where there. But, he found Father Driscoll and told him that he wanted to confess his recent sins. They went into their confession booths where Aaron confessed his sins. When they were finished Aaron went into Father Driscoll's booth before he got out and slowly began taking off his clothes. Father Driscoll through his tongue into Aaron's mouth and they both started touching each other. Then, Aaron got down on his knees and pull down the priest's underwear.

Sam Winchester · 02-05-2008, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christopher Gilbert

The entire Houston family was busy, whether it was passing out exams, taking exams before winter break, or putting up Christmas decorations. Aaron however was having the most interesting day of them all. His girl Mia was three months pregnant and decided that no matter what she was going to keep the baby. Aaron was upset because he felt that it was the wrong time in his life to have a kid. So after arguing with Mia, and went to the nearby church to relieve some of his stress. It was the middle of a week day so no visitors where there. But, he found Father Driscoll and told him that he wanted to confess his recent sins. They went into their confession booths where Aaron confessed his sins. When they were finished Aaron went into Father Driscoll's booth before he got out and slowly began taking off his clothes. Father Driscoll through his tongue into Aaron's mouth and they both started touching each other. Then, Aaron got down on his knees and pull down the priest's underwear.

'Aaron however.' There should be a comma before and after the word however. Notice when you say the sentence back to yourself, there is a pause just as you finish saying Aaron, and just after you say however. This is a good guideline for when to use a comma. Although, sometimes you can omit the comma, like in 'a minute later he walked on'. Some people leave out the comma, but I leave it in. I guess that one's a personal preference, but in the case of your sentence, you need the commas.
'His girl Mia'. I think you should rewrite this with 'his girlfriend'. 'His girl' makes it sound derogatory, as though he owns Mia. I'm not sure if you need a comma before and after Mia as well. Sometimes you don't need a comma in sentences like yours, but other times you do. I'm not sure what the rule is on that one. 'Was three months pregnant and decided...' You should have a comma after 'pregnant'. The old rule of English was that you never put a comma before or after an and. That's changed. The second part of your sentence, while still related to the first, is talking about something different. Let me give you an example. 'The European Union has been boosted with the news that joining other countries like Ireland soon will be countries like England, Wales, China and Japan, and Switzerland is expected to follow'. If you leave out the comma after 'Japan', the whole thing reads like 'England, Wales, China and Japan and Switzerland'. See what I mean? Putting a comma in there avoids the confusion.
So after arguing with Mia, and went to the church.' Not sure if that's a mistake or you've forgotten to put a huge chunk of that sentence in. If it's the former, you should change the 'and' to a 'he'. If it's the latter... well, only you can fix that.
'no vistors where there.' This 'where' should be 'were'.
'They went into the confession booths were Aaron confessed his sins'. Pointless saying this. We all know what a confession booth is, and we all know what you do in it. You don't have take the reader by the hand in your book. We can figure out things for ourselves. That's the mark of a good writer - knowing how to let the reader understand what the writer's doing without the need for many pointless words.
'Father Driscoll through his...' I think that should be 'threw'.
'And pull down the...' This should be 'pulled'.

Okay, so you've spiced up things a little bit. I don't know if it helps or hinders your story, but it certainly puts an interesting twist on it. Now I'm slightly more interested in finding out what happens next. That I am because of sexual impropriety between a man and a priest, well what does that say of me...?
Your friend, Sam.

Christopher Gilbert · 02-05-2008, 01:07 PM

While Aaron was entertaining Father Driscoll in the confession booth, his girl Mia was on the phone with Angie. Yes, Angie was Aaron's mother, but Mia found comfort in talking to her because her mother had been in jail for years. Angie agreed with Mia about keeping the baby. Angie told Mia that everything would work out in the end, because she knew her son would eventually be a good father. Mia began to worry about where Aaron was. So Angie told Mia that she knew Aaron liked to go to the church sometimes to clear his mind. Mia thanked Angie then hung up the phone. She realized that she needed to talk to Aaron because after all the baby needed a father figure in its life. So Mia hopped in the car and drove off to the church. On the way many thoughts were running through her mind about her relationship with Aaron and the baby. Fifteen minutes later she arrived at the church and headed up the stairs hoping to find Aaron there so she could talk to him. At the same time Aaron had his mind on someone else. As Mia was opening the doors to the church, Aaron's brother Sean wad dealing with his own crisis. He was in the principal's office trying to defend himself from getting kicked out of the school. Not only was Sean getting all D's and F's, but he had been caught drinking outside behind the school. Sean kept on saying to the principal, "Please, I promise I will do better, I lasted this far, now I only have a couple months left before I graduate." Even though Sean's reputation at the school was a bad one, the principal knew that deep down Sean was a good kid, so he said to Sean, "I will not expell you, but I will suspend you for three days, and if you mess up again you will get thrown out immediately." Sean thanked the principal and went home only to see his parents, Bobby and Angie extremely upset after getting the call from the principal. Angie was thinking about the trouble her children were going through. And as she was thinking of that, back at the church, Mia was looking around when she heard moaning. So she headed towards the confessional and she pulled back the curtain. At that moment Father Driscoll and Aaron were still doing it and Mia said, "What the hell?"

Truth-Teller · 02-05-2008, 02:02 PM

Christopher Gilbert.

The best way to improve your writing is to write in first person.

Try it.

Sam Winchester · 02-05-2008, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christopher Gilbert

While Aaron was entertaining Father Driscoll in the confession booth, his girl Mia (okay, not to be harping on, but you've already told us that Mia is his girlfriend. You don't need to refer to her as 'his girl Mia' when 'Mia' will suffice) was on the phone with Angie. Yes, Angie was Aaron's mother, but Mia found comfort in talking to her because her mother had been in jail for years. Angie agreed with Mia about keeping the baby. Angie told Mia that everything would work out in the end, because she knew her son would eventually be a good father. Mia began to worry about where Aaron was. So Angie told Mia that she knew Aaron liked to go to the church sometimes to clear his mind. Mia thanked Angie then she hung up (either put a comma after Angie, an 'and', or start 'then she hung up' as a new sentence). She realized that she needed to talk to Aaron because after all (comma before and after 'after all') the baby needed a father figure in its life. So Mia hopped in the car and drove off to the church. On the way many thoughts were running through her mind about her relationship with Aaron and the baby. Fifteen minutes later she arrived at the church and headed up the stairs hoping to find Aaron (comma after 'stairs') there so she could talk to him (you've already told us she wants to talk with him. No need to tell us again). At the same time (comma after 'time') Aaron had his mind on someone else (Aaron's mind was on someone else. Omit needless words, i.e. 'had' 'his'). As Mia was opening the doors to the church, Aaron's brother Sean wad (was) dealing with his own crisis. He was in the principal's office trying (comma after office) to defend himself from getting kicked out of the school. Not only was Sean getting all (omit. Not needed) D's and F's, but he had been caught drinking outside behind (omit either one or the other. We all know 'behind' the school is outside. This just makes your sentence awkward to read. Also, consider changing the 'he had been' to 'he'd been' because you will find that the sentence flows smoother, and this helps everyone) the school. Sean kept on (again, no need for this word) saying to the principal, "Please, I promise I will do better, (full-stop after better. New sentence) I lasted this far, now I only have a couple months left before I graduate." Even though Sean's reputation at the school was a bad one, the principal knew that deep down (again, another tired cliche that mainly drives editors bananas. Omit it. It doesn't add anything to your sentence) Sean was a good kid, so he said to Sean, "I will not expell (expel) you, but I will suspend you for three days, and if you mess up again you will get thrown out immediately." Sean thanked the principal and went home only to see his parents, Bobby and Angie (if you're going to introduce his parents with commas, you not only need them before their names, but also after) extremely upset after getting the call from the principal (the reader will draw his own conclusions as to who the call was from. Omit this and let your writing flow without worrying about holding the reader's hand throughout. We are able to figure things out for ourselves.). Angie was thinking about the trouble her children were going through. And as she was thinking of that (omit. We know she's thinking about it, so therefore it's pointless putting this in) , back at the church, Mia was looking around when she heard moaning. So (comma after so) she headed towards the confessional and she (omit. No need for it.) pulled back the curtain. At that moment Father Driscoll and Aaron were still doing it (we know what they're doing, but this still seems wrong. Is there not a better way you can put it?) and Mia said, "What the hell?"

Okay, things are spicing up nicely. What I would suggest is that when you are changing from one location to another, you skip two lines and start fresh on the page. This 'meanwhile back at the farm' stuff really only works in Hollywood, and leaves your writing looking amateurish.

Dan · 02-05-2008, 02:28 PM

In only a few hundred words, you've introduced something like ten characters, each with a backstory or description, and an equal number of plotlines. I can't keep any of it straight.

Slooooooow. Dooooooown.

Christopher Gilbert · 02-06-2008, 08:43 AM

Father Driscoll and Aaron quickly stopped what they were doing and put all of their clothes on. Mia with a pissed off tone said,"I told you guys not to have sex anymore without me." "I'm sorry baby", said Aaron. A couple months ago Father Driscoll caught Aaron and Mia having sex in the church around midnight when they thought no one was there. He caught them and asked to join in. Even though Aaron and Mia were both shocked, they agreed to the threesome to spice things up a bit. Ever since then, they had been having threesomes about every other week which leads to today. After feeling left out Mia invited both of them back to the house. So they drove off and fifteen minutes later got to the house. They went upstairs to the bedroom where Aaron and Mia began kissing. Father Driscoll joined in and the three were up all night. After they were done, Father Driscoll went back to the church where he thought about his actions. Even though he knew what he doing was wrong in the eyes of the church, he figured that this would not affect his job. At the house Aaron and Mia settled their little fight and put it aside. They loved having a third party, and they were lucky that it was a priest. Because they knew that he would never tell their little secret unless he wanted to be fired.

Dan · 02-06-2008, 10:36 AM

Tell me, Christoper: are you listening to anything that's being said?

Sam Winchester · 02-06-2008, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan

Tell me, Christoper: are you listening to anything that's being said?

Good point, Dan. We keep critiquing everything he posts, and then he doesn't even say thank you or acknowledge it. Christopher, I would suggest that you take a moment to, if not appreciate, than at least COMMENT on your critiques before posting new stuff. This way, you don't cheese anyone off and you keep everyone happy. And might I suggest one more thing? You check and re-check your work before you submit it. There's nothing that irritates a person critiquing something than noticing that the person who wrote it didn't even take the effort to fix rudimentary mistakes. Only giving you advice that will aid you in the long run.
Your friend, Sam.

Christopher Gilbert · 02-14-2008, 12:50 PM

I already finished this story so I am taking critques to use on my next one

s the threesome continued, Aaron's sister Mary was in the middle of watching a movie when the telephone rang. On the other line was her brother Sean. He said,"Mary can you please come and pick me up. I am at 52 Park Street and a little tipsy. I don't want to drive home like this, and if I get caught I'll get expelled." Mary responded by saying,"Sean what are you doing, you're only 18, why the hell are you drinking. But you were good to call me, I will come right now." Mary was sick and tired of always having to pick up the pieces of her broken family. Everyone always turned to her for help, and she swore that after driving Sean home, she would not help anyone unless in real danger anymore. When she arrived at the house, she did not seen Sean, so she went inside to the party. Mary kept on calling Sean's name, but there was no answer. None of the other people there knew were he was so she started to get worried. Five minutes later she spotted Sean outside throwing up. She started yelling at him and dragged him into the car. Mary kept trying to get Sean not to throw up on her brand new car. But as she was doing that, she forget to watch the road and all of a she hit another car. When the car landed it was completely upside down!