Heartbreak Avenue (temporary title) - Writers Forum

dark_gaia91 · 01-23-2008, 09:08 AM

ok, well, with all that is going on in my life so far, i haven't had a lot of time to work on my writing, but i made time and now i present to you, a little more of my work in progress. Hope y'all like it!!

I love the rain.
Driving in the incessant downpour, I think about all the evil put into thunderstorms. People say that they bring foreboding ill. Also, that they bring destruction. I don’t believe a word of it. I figure the rain washes away the grime and pain from a man.
Finding my unopened energy drink on the seat next to me, I crack it open and take a long drink. The carbonation makes my throat burn, but the tangy fruit taste satisfies me.
I see the light turn red up ahead, so I slow to a stop. Lightning flashes all around me, illuminating the countryside. The dark mass of shadow disperses and reveals a little house a little down the road. I smile, as I think who is waiting for me in that house. Her soft cheeks, her long auburn hair, and her intense blue eyes make me thank whoever could have put me together with this woman.
I take another swig of my drink and the light turns green. I can feel the car’s pull against me. Her parent’s car isn’t there, so I just pull in. Her parent’s have been living with her ever since their house went up in flames about three months back. I wait a few minutes, just sitting there, smiling and listening to the random pitter-patter of the rain. Finally, I turn the car off and slip on my long, jet-black leather trench coat and my old olive colored hat. The hat kind of looks like something you would see Harry Dresden wearing. I open the door and the rain hits me almost immediately, a cold spray that feels phenomenal. I shut the car door and walk up the brick path, past a little statue of a little dog holding a newspaper, to her door.
The lights were not on in her house, so I assumed she was sleeping. I quietly opened the door, wincing at the screeching sound the door made. Wiping my feet on the shag rug, I stepped inside.
Fancy china decorated the room. Her mom was fascinated with oriental teacups, and it showed. Her carpet was light lavender while her furniture was of a design I had never seen before, covered in gold and red. A plasma TV hung on the wall above a mountain of sudoku books. The ceiling fan, which was the only light in the room, was on, but the light had been switched off, while the blades made its monotonous whirling sounds.
I set my hat on the hat rack, took off my coat and laid it on the sofa. If she was sleeping, I didn’t want to wake her, so I crept to her room. The door was slightly ajar which is not like her. She has a “thing” about open doors. Why do I always get the crazy ones? I opened the door a little more so I could see what was going on.
Nothing out of the ordinary jumped out at me at first. The black light cast an eerie glow over everything in the room, making the shadows come alive. Her posters on her wall reflected the colors one would mostly see at rave parties. As my eyes drifted to the bed, that’s where it all went wrong. Not one, but two people were in the bed. I saw my girlfriend, her curves standing out underneath the thin covers of her bed. My eyes darted to the other person. A matt of black hair stuck out from under the covers. I grabbed the end of the covers and threw them off of the two. Blind fury rushed through my body as I looked upon the face of my brother, Jason! He stared up at me with eyes the size of hubcaps, while my girlfriend, Jennifer, tried to cover up her nakedness like I was someone who had never seen it before.
“ What the fuck is this!!!” I bellow.
“ Jared I- this is- she didn’t-,” my brother frantically stammered.
“ Like hell she didn’t!” I screamed and grabbed the nightstand with the lamp on it and pulled it o the floor, lamp crashing and glass flying everywhere. Jennifer let out a yelp when the glass broke, and Jason jumped farther away from me.

dark_gaia91 · 01-25-2008, 02:22 PM

anybody??

Sparkscout · 01-25-2008, 11:21 PM

Hmmm...well you did a great job by building suspense, however, It really was just a small story about a guy getting cheated on. I kind of feel that maybe if you made it longer it would add some more depth to it. Because looking at it right now, I'd say it has potential, but it still has room to improve.

traveller · 01-26-2008, 01:28 AM

I like the way you've built up suspense in this story. I agree with Sparkscout, it should be stretched out.

"I smile, as I think who is waiting for me in that house." - that line didn't really work for me, particularly the part in bold. maybe rephrase that.

also maybe add a little more to the last part, I only registered his anger after he spoke. maybe describe his aggressive body language as he discovers them under the covers or something.

overall, a good/interesting piece!

Boldness1 · 01-26-2008, 11:36 AM

Driving in the incessant downpour, I think about all the evil put into thunderstorms

Take out the thunderstorms, no point, stretch it out, and what's with all the description, some of it builds up suspense like at the end but all the details in the middle, just butcher what could turn out to be some captivating sequences. Take a look at this,

I turn the car off and slip on my long, jet-black leather trench coat and my old olive colored hat. The hat kind of looks like something you would see Harry Dresden wearing. I open the door and the rain hits me almost immediately, a cold spray that feels phenomenal. I shut the car door and walk up the brick path, past a little statue of a little dog holding a newspaper, to her door.
The lights were not on in her house, so I assumed she was sleeping. I quietly opened the door, wincing at the screeching sound the door made. Wiping my feet on the shag rug, I stepped inside.
Fancy china decorated the room. Her mom was fascinated with oriental teacups, and it showed. Her carpet was light lavender while her furniture was of a design I had never seen before, covered in gold and red. A plasma TV hung on the wall above a mountain of sudoku books. The ceiling fan, which was the only light in the room, was on, but the light had been switched off, while the blades made its monotonous whirling sounds.

Use this paragraph to build up suspense, not describe some miscellaneous household objects.

Overall, GREAT.

Sparkscout · 01-26-2008, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boldness1

Driving in the incessant downpour, I think about all the evil put into thunderstorms

Take out the thunderstorms, no point, stretch it out, and what's with all the description, some of it builds up suspense like at the end but all the details in the middle, just butcher what could turn out to be some captivating sequences. Take a look at this,

I turn the car off and slip on my long, jet-black leather trench coat and my old olive colored hat. The hat kind of looks like something you would see Harry Dresden wearing. I open the door and the rain hits me almost immediately, a cold spray that feels phenomenal. I shut the car door and walk up the brick path, past a little statue of a little dog holding a newspaper, to her door.
The lights were not on in her house, so I assumed she was sleeping. I quietly opened the door, wincing at the screeching sound the door made. Wiping my feet on the shag rug, I stepped inside.
Fancy china decorated the room. Her mom was fascinated with oriental teacups, and it showed. Her carpet was light lavender while her furniture was of a design I had never seen before, covered in gold and red. A plasma TV hung on the wall above a mountain of sudoku books. The ceiling fan, which was the only light in the room, was on, but the light had been switched off, while the blades made its monotonous whirling sounds.

Use this paragraph to build up suspense, not describe some miscellaneous household objects.

Overall, GREAT.

Actually, those misc. household objects do build on characterization. Sometimes you need to put useless facts about characters to make them seem real.

JosephB · 01-26-2008, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Sometimes you need to put useless facts about characters to make them seem real.

You can include things that may seem trivial on the surface, but they need to say something about your character. Details can help your characters to "seem real," but not "useless facts."

bookfrenzy · 01-27-2008, 10:12 AM

I liked it, though you needed a much better ending. What happened after he smashed the lamp?

dark_gaia91 · 01-27-2008, 03:43 PM

o, no, im not done yet. im trying to put the story on here as i go along. There will be a lot more coming, trust me.

Kuroi-Kuma · 01-30-2008, 12:27 AM

well im glad theres more coming, personally i loved it, i thought it was well thought out, and i love the way he * jared * thinks about thunderstorms... i think the descriptions werent unneccessary although i tend to over do the description's no i very much loved this peice cant wait for more.

Kuroi-Kuma · 01-30-2008, 12:27 AM

Kuroi-Kuma · 01-30-2008, 12:29 AM

well im glad theres more coming, personally i loved it, i thought it was well thought out, and i love the way he * jared * thinks about thunderstorms... i think the descriptions werent unneccessary although i tend to over do the description's no i very much loved this peice cant wait for more.