kell010

“How strange these feelings are” Ben thought to himself, as the infection entwined around each one of his fading thoughts and took root deep in his mind. He tried to fight the effects as long as he could but he found himself falling hopelessly deeper within the sickness. What a vile and reprehensible illness it is to have your own thoughts silently stalked and contorted. Each one manipulated and turned against you. Slowly and methodically each one of your thoughts are met with a creeping hollow nervous tingle that seems to generate from the center of the body and radiate outwards. It feels like it is born from emptiness and then blossoms into an entangling vine of despair. Your head becomes heavy with anguish and your eyebrows feel like they may collapse under their own weight. One by one your thoughts are transformed into the things you fear the most, the horrors that you try to repress, and the sadness that keeps you awake at night. What normally would have been sadistic and unheard-of slowly starts to seem all too reasonable. Ben had recently spent much of his time studying and trying to understand this sickness in hopes that he may be able to fight it, and he knew that if he was infected his thoughts would turn suddenly cold, dark and unnatural. It had never occurred to him that there was ever a real possibility that he could succumb to it. His daring nature and foolish irreverence had put him in this position and he had wished that he was much more careful going in. He studied all the previous known recorded cases of the infection, took all the necessary precautions but it appears that, given the circumstance he finds himself in, there was little that could be done. He, as it turns out, was woefully unprepared. The most horrifying thing to Ben was that he knew what was happening as the battle raged in his mind and could do nothing now but sit idly by and pray that he was found in time. “Next time, if there is a next time;” Ben said sullenly to him self “I will not forget”.

QuothTheRaven

Hey, it hooked me, which is definitely a good sign.

A couple of things:

1) I have no idea what a "creeping hollow nervous tingle" is like, and I don't think other people do either.
2) You switched between talking about Ben to talking about your reader. I would suggest using the word "one" instead of "you" in the middle of your paragraph.
3) If I remember correctly, you should italicize thoughts instead of putting them in quotation marks, but that might be a question of style rather than grammar--I'm not sure.
4) "Him self," in the last sentence, should be "himself," I think.
5) I hope you plan to go more in-depth into what exactly this infection does to a person, so far you've described how it feels to have this infection, but not actually what it does. Does it make one into a zombie? Does it make someone go insane? Turn into a vegetable? You had me thinking what is it? while reading, which was hopefully intentional.

Very good job, especially if you're fairly new to creative writing. Your thread title is a little unclear as to what you're new to--writing? the forum?

__________________
You are on a writing forum, please have the good sense to spell correctly and make use of proper grammar. Everyone makes mistakes, but smart people don't make a habit of it.

AngelinaXXX

Opening paragraph?

Talk about doom and gloom and misery and pessimism. It is a masterpiece!!

Who are you, Anthony Trollope?!!!!!

writer107

Pros:

Good. Very Interesting. I want to know why he is lost. That means I want to read the next paragraph!

Advice/Opinion:

It seems that you have an idea for a story. Eventually you must decide on a style.

You open the paragraph with a short thought from Ben. Honestly, I would have all of it his thoughts. It would help the reader understand that he is really confused and his mind is changing.

Think of it like this. If you took out all of the narrative and read his thoughts this is what you have.

"How strange these feelings are. Next time, if there is a next time: I will not forget."

Does that make sense?

I would attempt to make a fine line between the character and the narrator.

__________________
Come Visit! The Writer's Library

kell010

I appreciate the replies. I will certainly take all of your sound advice.

MooTwo

I like how you describe the sickness (except for the "creeping hollow nervous tingle" that is hard to understand, as Raven pointed out). It (the sickness) sounds freaky, and very scary. I also like your choice of words to set the tone of the paragraph.

I stumbled over these parts, though:

"as the infection entwined around each one of his fading thoughts and took root deep in his mind."

Took root deep? It doesn't make sense to me. Are you meaning to say they went deep into his thoughts?

"Slowly and methodically each one of your thoughts are met with a creeping hollow nervous tingle that seems to generate from the center of the body and radiate outwards."

This doesn't make sense to me--not because I don't understand what the hollow nervous tingle is, but the way that tingle was described. I just can't picture what your trying to explain.

"his daring nature and foolish irreverence had put him in this position and he had wished that he was much more careful going in."

Going in? Where? Into the sickness? Does that mean he tried to get the sickness? Or do you mean he wished he was much more careful studying the sickness?

"“How strange these feelings are,” Ben thought to himself" (I added a comma)

"“Next time, if there is a next time,” Ben said sullenly to him self, “I will not forget.” (Changed and added punctuation)

Though there were a few places I stumbled on, I still really enjoyed reading your paragraph. Will there be more? There had better be... I want to know what that sickness is. Depression, maybe? ./me shrugs. Thanks for sharing

qwertyman

You ask how does your piece stand up as an opening paragraph? I appear to be in the minority here but for what it's worth:-

It didn't grab me as an opening sequence should. Have you considered opening with a scene where the sickness becomes the central theme?

It could be anywhere the more mundane the better. Having a cup of coffee in a cafe, we've all done that but it is different for your MC because he has this disease, describe how it is different in a situation we are all familar with.

Then we can relate. Get some dialogue in there break up the block of narration. I like your word selection. I think you can improve on this.

You might be surprised haw many posts start with;_ I decended into a vortex of despair - don't! That doesn't interest me - (writers suffering for their art God help me keep me keep my mouth shut), if your suffering - it's not very interesting for me as a reader unless it is 'shown' in a situation.

I can see enough in your work to know you can improve on this. You certainly seem to have a following from the doom and gloom 'deep vortex' brigade. Good luck.

J.V.

It interested me, but I just want to know - is it some sci-fi sickness or a mental illness? Then I can give a better critique.
But so far so good.

aysisme

Get up, come on get down with the sickness. Get up, come on get down with the sickness!!

Get outta here buddy, it's stinks.. it's absolutely horrible.

I think your writing has the sickness. Stick to reading buddy.

All bullcrap aside. I'm just kidding, so take it easy. You got real talent kid. I think you gots what it takes to write the world a new story. A love story. A story about sickness. Congratulations, what an amazing skill you have!

__________________

ReadEZArchive.com - Authors submit your articles to the ReadEZ Archive. PLUS Free eBooks! swweeeet

kell010

Again thank you all for such great advice. To clear a few points up, i am new to writing and the forum. I just started getting the courage to write after years of wanting to.

I am working on revising the opening paragraph while still trying to write the first chapter.

The sickness- The idea behind the story is a path of discovery. Believe it or not the overall theme would not be the doom and gloom. It is, i hope, going to have more of a thriller chase feeling with the characters needing to make key discoveries along the way. It will have a good vs. evil feel to it with out it being that black and white. The idea i have for this sickness is partially a mental illness and i guess it could be somewhat sci-fi, although i would hate to put it in that category. I have this notion of it being something eternal. A sickness that existed since the beginning of time. It would be the driving force behind the contradictions to our innate morals. The one thing that comes to mind the most when i think of this sickness is Lucifer being expelled from heaven by god. According to the bible god created free will for all, including his angels. The sickness is what influenced him to rebel. It isn't evil. I think evil describes ones character. This is the force that influences it. An almost paranormal force with a never ending agenda.

kell010

Ok, i revised this with some of your suggestions. Does this seem any better as an opening?



How strange these feelings are Ben thought to himself, I can feel the infection entwining around my thoughts, each notion starting to form, each one almost fading instantly. I don’t know how much longer I can fight this. How vile and reprehensible this illness. To have ones own thoughts silently stalked and contorted; each one blackened, manipulated and turned against you. As if these tormenting thoughts weren’t bad enough, now I’m starting to have a horrible feeling emerge in my chest. Is it the sickness that’s causing this nervous sensation or is my body responding to it? I can feel it generate from the center of my body and radiate outwards. It feels as if this sensation is born from emptiness and then blossoms into an entangling vine of despair. My god it seems the more I move the more the illness fights back and accelerates. If I could only get these thoughts of anguish out of my mind, the endless flood of past memories, memories I never wanted to remember streaming in and out by their own will. I can barely move my head, it feels so weighted down with these despondent emotions, my eyes feel so tired, I just want to give in and close them. Come on I can do this! Remember ‘…if you so choose, so it will be’.
Ben gripped the soft arms of his favorite chair as he tried to control the chaos that was raging in his mind. By the looks of his surroundings, one would never be aware of the fierce battle being fought. There are no tables overturned, no broken windows or glass, just the same comfortable room in his house that he frequented when he wanted to settle in to do a little research or just to relax near the fire place. His small library was nothing of great extravagance; wall to wall book shelves filled with books of all kinds, no ornate carvings or busts, no pretentious paintings of any sort; just endless books filling his shelves. They were mostly historical texts of early American history but there with plenty of various books on anything ranging from ancient Egyptian culture to biblical studies, but when it came down to it, any history book would do. He got his love of history from his grandfather. As a child, Ben’s grandfather took him all over the country visiting historic battlefields and sites from the civil war, Revolutionary war, and any other place of interest that had just about any small historical significance. Ben could remember spending countless hours in old book stores with his grandfather rummaging through book shelves looking anything that had something to do with history, from authenticate accounts on the Battle of Antietam or original copies of Sylvanus UrbansThe Gentleman's Magazine and Historical Chronicle. They would frequent the type of book stores that smelt of musk and mold, the types that would have an old man standing behind the counter wearing an old sweater with the elbows worn from years resting them on the counter as he read through his wares. Most books in these stores needed cleaning in order to even read the titles.
As Ben hands started to rip into the red fabricate of his chair he felt as if he was going to lose the battle with this infectious disease. One by one my thoughts are transformed into my greatest fears – Losing my family -- , the horrors I’ve spent years trying to repress – My abusive childhood --, and the sadness that keeps me awake at night – My divorce--. What normally would have been sadistic and unheard-of to me actually seems all too reasonable. I thought I had spent enough time preparing. I meticulously studied all the know cases of this infection, I spent countless hours preparing my mind for this encounter, I scoured every source for any information that might have given me some sort of edge and yet, and yet my thoughts turn cold, dark and unnatural. Damn it Ben think '‘…if you so choose, so it will be’. Ben was confident, confident so much that it bordered on arrogance. His daring nature and foolish irreverence had landed him in this unfortunate position and Ben was now wishing that he had been much more careful. The most horrifying thing to Ben was that he knew what was happening as the conflict raged in his mind and could do nothing now but sit idly by and pray that he was found in time.

cellochick7

First off, it would be greatly appreciated if you spaced out paragraphs. And used a bigger font. I took the liberty of doing a bit of this. Now, to the editing...


How strange these feelings are. Ben thought to himself,. I can feel the infection entwining around my thoughts, each notion starting to form, each one almost fading instantly. I don’t know how much longer I can fight this. How vile and reprehensible this illness. To have ones own thoughts silently stalked and contorted; each one blackened, manipulated and turned against you. As if these tormenting thoughts weren’t bad enough, now I’m starting to have a horrible feeling emerge in my chest. Is it the sickness that’s causing this nervous sensation or is my body responding to it? I can feel it generate from the center of my body and radiate outwards.

It feels as if this sensation is born from emptiness and then blossoms into an entangling vine of despair. Very poetic. My god , it seems the more I move , the more the illness fights back and accelerates. If I could only get these thoughts of anguish , out of my mind, the endless flood of past memories, memories I never wanted to remember streaming in and out by their own will.Run-on sentence.

I can barely move my head, it feels so weighted down with these despondent emotions, my eyes feel so tired, I just want to give in and close them. Come on I can do this! Remember ‘…if you so choose, so it will be’. "__" instead of '___'.

Ben gripped the soft arms of his favorite chair as he tried to control the chaos that was raging in his mind. By the looks of his surroundings, one would never be aware of the fierce battle being fought. There are no tables overturned, no broken windows or glass, just the same comfortable room in his house that he frequented when he wanted to settle in to do a little research or just to relax near the fire place. Run-on sentence. His small library was nothing of great extravagance; wall to wall book shelves filled with books of all kinds, no ornate carvings or busts, no pretentious paintings of any sort; just endless books filling his shelves. Bit of a run-on sentence.They were mostly historical texts of early American history , but there with was plenty of various books on anything ranging from ancient Egyptian culture to biblical studies, but when it came down to it, any history book would do. Run-on sentence. He got his love of history from his grandfather. As a child, Ben’s grandfather took him all over the country visiting historic battlefields and sites from the civil war, Civil WarRevolutionary war, Revolutionary War and any other place of interest that had just about any small historical significance. Ben could remember spending countless hours in old book stores with his grandfather rummaging through book shelves , looking anything that had something to do with history, from authenticate accounts on the Battle of Antietam or original copies of Sylvanus UrbansThe Gentleman's Magazine and Historical Chronicle. Run-on sentence. They would frequent the type of book stores that smelt of musk and mold, the types that would have an old man standing behind the counter wearing an old sweater with the elbows worn from years resting them on the counter as he read through his wares. I like this description. Most books in these stores needed cleaning in order to even read the titles.
As Ben hands Ben's hands started to rip into the red fabricate of his chair , he felt as if he was going to lose the battle with this infectious disease. One by one my thoughts are transformed into my greatest fears – Losing my family -- , No comma. the horrors I’ve spent years trying to repress – My abusive childhood --, and the sadness that keeps me awake at night – My divorce--. Run on sentence that has too many -- and is a bit confusing. What normally would have been sadistic and unheard-of to me actually seems all too reasonable. I thought I had spent enough time preparing. I meticulously studied all the know cases of this infection, . I spent countless hours preparing my mind for this encounter, . I scoured every source for any information that might have given me some sort of edge and yet, and yet my thoughts turn cold, dark and unnatural. Damn it Ben think '‘…if you so choose, so it will be’. "Damn it Ben think "...if you choose, so it will be'." was confusing with punctuation errors. Ben was confident, confident so much that it bordered on arrogance. His daring nature and foolish irreverence had landed him in this unfortunate position and Ben was now wishing that he had been much more careful. The most horrifying thing to Ben was that he knew what was happening as the conflict raged in his mind and could do nothing now but sit idly by and pray that he was found in time. Run-on sentence.

I'm interested! What's happening? Write more, please!

Kram

just a little thing and it could be just me but the paragraphs seem huge - i would break them down a bit to make them less daunting

spider8

I agree. The first paragraph seems awfully daunting and should be broken up. Also it feels too claustrophobic for my liking with there being no sense of a scene. I feel a lot of the description was too much and needs cutting down. I liked the idea behind it though. It had me thinking of Jeckyll and Hyde, the a schizophrenic about to go and kill someone.

Centurion

Hi Kell, my stumbling block in your piece is the jumping from 3rd to 1st person and back again. Also I found your POV changes jarring. As has been said break it up for easier viewing, and it will help with the points I have mentioned.

For someone who is new to writing this is very good, but it needs more fluidity.

__________________
Once we were Warriors