Tigz

This is my first attempt at story writing. I’d appreciate some critique on the 1st chapter, please.

Thank you. Tigz

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The love-worn bundle yawned and snuggled further down under the duvet. The warmth crept into him, filling him with an overwhelming sense of security and belonging.

A sudden shudder tingled down his spine as he recalled that, not so long ago, he hadn’t been so fortunate…

Made From love


Once upon a time, there was a wise old lady called Nana Sands. Nana’s neat and tidy hair glinted with silver strands, her lips were tied in a neat little bow-of-a-smile and her chubby pink cheeks cradled her soft blue eyes when she chuckled.

On the eve of her Grandson Max’s birth, Nana Sands had sat in her comfy rocking chair stitching away, making a special birthday gift just for him.

As Nana Sands’ needle weaved furiously in and out of the mixed jumble of fabric pieces, she sang gentle lullabies and shared all the knowledge she had learned in her long, busy life. She was never happier than when remembering special times from her own childhood.

As her nimble fingers tied the last knot in the thread she lifted the small bundle closer to the lamp to get a better look at her handiwork.

A pair of soft, floppy ears dangled forwards and Nana gently pushed them back, revealing two black, shiny eyes looking straight back at her, packed full of the love and memories she had spent all night filling them with. Nana Sands knew that her special task was almost complete.

“Just one last thing,” she declared, “I cannot possibly give you to Max without a name, but what ever shall I call you?”

Nana Sands busied herself with the tiding up while she tried to think of an appropriate name for the jumbled article. She put the last fabric scraps into her craft box and closed the lid.

“Brica-Brac!” she suddenly exclaimed, “I shall call you Brica-Brac.”

The next day, Nana Sands took Brica-Brac to live with Max. From that day on, everywhere that Max went Brica-Brac went too; usually being dragged by one of his soft, floppy ears! Brica-Brac didn’t mind one bit because being by Max’s side was where he was made to be.



Every night, while Max slept, Brica-Brac would whisper in his tiny ear about all the wonderful things Nana Sands had taught him while she weaved her magic needle in and out of the soft fabric, stitching him together. He would tell Max about the importance of friendship, how he should always listen to his mother and father because they know best and how he should always treasure the gifts he was given, especially the gift of love.

Brica-Brac and Max grew up together. They shared everything, even their birthday, as after all Brica-Brac came into the world on the same day as Max! They enjoyed each others company and most of all they loved snuggling up with each other at the end of every day.

At bedtime, Max would tell Brica-Brac all about his day at school or about a friend’s birthday party he had been to that afternoon. He would share his excitement about being picked for the football team and would jump up and down holding Brica-Brac tightly if they won. If they lost a match Max would simply hug Brica-Brac close to his chest, deep in thought.

Everything was perfect. Perfect that was, until Billy James came along!

laciemn

I think your writing is good. I think your writing needs to be more colorful and entertaining since you are appealing to children, however. I couldn't really focus on it, and I have 18 years' experience of trying to concentrate on things.

See, in this paragraph, I think the kids would get "old lady Nana," they'd pick up her hair color, but I don't think they'd pay attention to much more than that. I don't think the description "neat little bow-of-a-smile" would appeal very much to children.

Once upon a time, there was a wise old lady called Nana Sands. Nana’s neat and tidy hair glinted with silver strands, her lips were tied in a neat little bow-of-a-smile and her chubby pink cheeks cradled her soft blue eyes when she chuckled.

Tigz

Thank you, your comments are much appreciated.

cmking

I like your style, I really do
However, I cant reinforce what the poster before just said... I think your choice of words may be a bit advanced for children. If you take a look at childrens books (Without looking at the pictures) You will find they are often straight to the point, without stressing on vocabulary as much as "No Nonsense" story telling... You have to ask yourself what a child in the age group you are shooting for would be thinking as she/he read the story. Would they understand what you were talking about? Is his/her vocabulary up to par with the level of writing?
It seemed to me like the end of the story, you did a better job in tailoring to children. My advice would be to give it to a child in the age range you are writing for, and see if they understand it...
Remember simplicity is sometimes gold
I would also work on character development... Is it a stuffed Rabbit? (albiet a magic one) You should really be clear about what we are looking at. I saw a stuffed rabbit, riddled with multi-colored patches...

Anyway, this is really good. I am not trying to bash you with critiques, they were just a few things I picked up on...
I look forward to reading more from you
CMKING