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Good writing, but Sarah seems to come on too strong - or too quickly or something. She blushes 3 times - how about some other mannerisms - fluttering eyebrows, maybe
"My wife's anniversary present is in there."
"Yeah? Well. ..there's that, I guess," she said in voice that somehow seemed disappointed. "Anyway, I'm happy to do anything for such a good friend." She smiled tremulously.
Is there anything I could possibly due to pay you back? Perhaps take you out to dinner sometime."
"That would be lovely." Her smile grew genuine. "How about Tuesday at eight?"
"Tuesday? Well, I don't. . ."
She looked him in the eye. "But you promised."
"But. . ."
She teasingly fluttered her eyebrows. "Come on. It's only dinner; what could be wrong with that?"
"Well. . . I guess Tuesday would. . ."
"It's a date." At these words, Sarah She pulled out a notebook and a black pen. She quickly wrote something down, ripped off the page and handed it to him. "Just so you don't forget."
Anyway, just a suggestion. I also had a problem with this line:
But no matter how thick the fog, it didn't muffle the sound of the snow crunching with every step of his foot.
It sounds like he only has one foot. I'd change it to with every footstep.
Hope that helps,
JohnB
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First attempt in a while...
