Need Help With First 2 Paragraphs - Writers Forum

Aterin™ · 12-20-2007, 11:26 AM

Hello, it's me again...I've ended up finishing the first chapter of my story, but I'm still having trouble getting the first two paragraphs to make sense. Any suggestion are welcome and much appreciated.

What an eventful night it had turned out to be in Tartessos. On a typical night there were few guards out patrolling the desolate streets, mainly because most of them were usually too busy trying to drink away the overabundance of wine that Lord Gabriel had furnished them. But that wasn’t the case tonight; the entire military had been summoned to search the whole city, though it wasn’t clear who or what they were searching for. Despite there being no official word yet, their desperation in letting no one in or out of the city made it very clear what had happened; there had been an attempt at Lord Gabriel’s life.

The rumor about the man seen running out of the palace with a woman clutched in his arms had begun to spread all over the city. And the guards’ immediate denial of such a thing happening only helped to confirm the rumors legitimacy. Some people claim that it was the soon to be queen, Emelia, that was in the man’s arms, others claimed that it was a slave girl, and some were dead sure that it was just a bunch of rolled up green robes. Did someone brave enough to challenge Lord Gabriel actually live in Tartessos the whole time? Sure there had been heroes before, but Gabriel just killed them plus any living family to show that his judgment was absolute and that a rebellion would only result in death. But the hope of someone overthrowing this tyrant, no matter how small, was enough to keep the people believing.

Cefor · 12-20-2007, 11:36 AM

What exactly are you needing help with?

I think that they are good opening paragraphs, it would make me read more for sure.

Tell us what you need help with and we can try.

Cefor

mr_ridd · 12-20-2007, 11:41 AM

It makes sense to me. The only criticism I have is that you haven't involved the reader in the story, you are merely telling them what happened. But then again perhaps you wanted that?

WriterJohnB · 12-20-2007, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aterin™

On a typical night there were few guards out patrolling the desolate streets of Tartessos. They were usually too busy drinking away the overabundance of wine that Lord Gabriel furnished. But tonight, the entire military had been summoned to search the city, though it wasn’t clear who or what they were searching for. Despite there being no official word yet, he captain's command to let no one in or out of the city made it very clear what had happened; there had been an attempt at Lord Gabriel’s life.

The rumor of a man seen running out of the palace with a woman clutched in his arms had begun to spread. And the guards’ immediate denial of such a thing happening only helped to confirm the rumors legitimacy. Some people claimed that it was the soon-to-be-queen, Emelia, in the man’s arms, others asserted it to be a slave girl, and some were dead sure that it was nothing but a bunch of rolled up green robes.

Many wondered that there was anyone brave enough to challenge Lord Gabriel in his own palace. Sure, there had been heroes before. Gabriel, however killed them, along with any living family. He did this to show that his judgment was absolute and that a rebellion would only result in death. But the hope of someone overthrowing this tyrant, no matter how small, was enough to keep the people believing.

Does this help? Don't put too much emphasis on the night being different, you've made that clear in the events.

JohnB

Aterin™ · 12-20-2007, 06:00 PM

Oh, sorry about not explaining it better. Since this is the opening chapter to Atlantis: The Seeds of War, I really wanted for the reader to get a sense of what Tartessos is like, and to see that something has happened. If it would help I could post some more of the chapter? In all I really wanted these two paragraphs to make the reader want to continue reading. I hope that made sense..lol

Cefor · 12-21-2007, 08:58 AM

Well you succeded if all you wanted to do was draw readers in....

Cos I would read on, like I said before.

Aterin™ · 12-21-2007, 09:22 AM

Well I'm glad I finally got those two paragraphs to sound right. Thanks for the comments Cefor, WriterJohnB, and mr_ridd.