A Shaman's Bounty - Writers Forum

mr_ridd · 12-20-2007, 10:13 AM

“Hommm katai! Hommm katai! Tender to me, by the spirit’s of the gods!”

Isahia chants around the bulky Oakwood tree clubbing it occasionally with his badly carved staff. “I behest you, now!” A well constructed nest at the top of the tree sways with an old Oak branch. Isahia turns his head, a slight smile emerging on his face. He dashes around the tree like a dog chasing its own tale. Shouting. Screaming. “By the order of the gods!!!” He swings his staff one last time. CRACK! It slams into an obscured knot. Pieces of wood spray out like a glass ball shattering into a thousand pieces.

Mahinsa dives out the way as the top-end of the staff barrel towards him. He lands face first in a rotting pile of forest folly, his head under a banana leaf. The little boy gazes up at his father, his big bright eyes glistening like dew drops in the morning sun, “Daddy. Maybe…”

“NO!” Isahia shoves the remains of his now useless staff into the ground. “Mahinsa, my son, you must have the faith. It will be you who will take my thrown. It will be you who will do what I can do.” A frown appears on Mahinsa’s face as he pushes himself to his feet. “Can we go home?”

Isahia jerks his head back, anger smothering his face. “I will not leave! I will not leave until I have those eggs in my hand! It is the first of many inquests of a shaman, like me, to taste the yolk of a Caruda egg.” Leaning into his son he whispers, “I have been practicing for many years, you should learn from me my boy!” Mahinsa giggles trying to hide his face from his father as he scrapes mud and rotten leaves from his home-made kilt.

Isahia ignores the silent mocking from his son and walks back to the massive tree. He stares at the beautiful nest almost mesmerized by its to-and-fro motion. “Why do you not listen to me? Why do you disobey me!” His voice gets louder and louder with every word. “Why will you not fall to me!” He clutches each side of the tree. With all his strength he wrenches back, the veins almost bursting from his skin. Again. Again. “I will not let you defeat me!!” His screams echo into the air and to his amazement leaves begin falling, like snow flakes from the trees above. A smile overcomes his face as he watches the downpour, almost like a cloud burst of leaves, float to the forest floor almost as if by magic.
Mahinsa jaw drops in disbelief, his father, a true shaman.

Through the dense mist of leaves a faint figure soars almost as if riding the waves. “Daddy!” Isahia looks up in the direction his son points. He takes a worrying stance, knowing nothing of the creature. “What is that?” Little Mahinsa jumps and dashes around the mushy forest trying to make heads or tails of the flying figure.

After much anticipation the unknown animal lands on one of the Oakwood branches, the same branch home to the beautiful nest. Isahia starts jiggling around in excitement, knowing this is what all his years have gone into. “Look Mahinsa, look. Do you see, do you see the magic?” The creature begins jumping up and down, staring wittingly at the nest. Isahia can barely control himself. He begins trashing around clearing the ground waiting impatiently for an egg to drop from above. With each jump the creature the eggs seem to jump higher and higher, when suddenly… SNAP! The entire agglomeration comes crashing to the ground below. The nest. The branch. The creature, and finally three unmitigated eggs.

Both Isahia and Mahinsa jump back, there eyes wide open. “Be ready my son, be ready.” Mahinsa’s arms start flying in all directions not knowing what to do, or where he should be. “Come on boy!” Isahia shouting words in anger, “Stand close, closer!”

Backwards! Forwards! Left! Right! Finally Isahia stands strong, right beneath the falling eggs. “This is it, this is it!!” He screams throwing his hands in the air, the eggs only meters away. His fingers stretch out just waiting to grasp the pure oval prizes when, the animal awakens; almost as if it was a vampire in a deep sleep. Its eyes flick from side to side gathering information on his surroundings. In a flash, almost without hesitation, it snatches each egg burying it in what seems to be pockets specially crafting in its skin. The creature quickly rights itself. It flaps its wings giving one immense push launching into the sky above, high and out of sight.

Isahia stands like a statue, tears almost filling his eyes. In the distance he spots a faint object, slowly floating towards him. He sadly watches as the oval-shaped body falls gently into his hands. An egg. A Caruda egg. As it touches his hand the egg splits into two pieces, two empty pieces.
Isahia tenses his hands crushing the shell into a cluster of shards, “This is what you give me, is this all you give me?”

Mahinsa slowly eases his way up to his father wrapping his arms around his leg. “Daddy?” Isahia gazes down at his son bestowing him a light pat on his head, “One day my son, one day.”

WriterJohnB · 12-20-2007, 12:00 PM

There are some odd word choices here. I've noted them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr_ridd

“Hommm katai! Hommm katai! Hearken to me, by the spirits of the gods!”

Isahia chants his way around the bulky Oakwood tree clubbing it occasionally with his crudely carved staff. “I command (behest is a noun) you, now!” A well-constructed nest at the top of the oak tree sways on a branch. Isahia turns his head, a slight smile on his face. He dashes around the tree like a dog chasing its own tail. Shouting. Screaming. “By the order of the gods!!!” He swings his staff one last time. CRACK! It slams into an unseen knot. Pieces of wood spray out like a glass ball, shattering into a thousand pieces.

Mahinsa dives out the way as the top-end of the staff barrels towards him. He lands face first in a rotting pile of forest foliage, his head under a banana leaf. The little boy gazes up at his father, his big bright eyes glistening like dew drops in the morning sun, “Daddy. Maybe…”

“NO!” Isahia shoves the remains of his now useless staff into the ground. “Mahinsa, my son, you must have the faith. It will be you who will take my throne. It will be you who will do what I can do.”

A frown appears on Mahinsa’s face as he pushes himself to his feet. “Can we go home?”

Isahia jerks his head back, anger smothering his face. “I will not leave! I will not leave until I have those eggs in my hand! It is the first of many quests of a shaman, like me, to taste the yolk of a Caruda egg.” Leaning into his son he whispers, “I have been practicing for many years, you should learn from me my boy!” Mahinsa giggles trying to hide his face from his father as he scrapes mud and rotten leaves from his home-made kilt.

Isahia ignores the silent mocking from his son and walks back to the massive tree. He stares at the beautiful nest, almost mesmerized by its to-and-fro motion. “Why do you not listen to me? Why do you disobey me!” His voice gets louder and louder with every word. “Why will you not fall to me!” He clutches each side of the tree. With all his strength he wrenches back, the veins almost bursting from his skin. Again. Again. “I will not let you defeat me!!” His screams echo into the air and, to his amazement, leaves begin falling like snow flakes from the trees above. A smile comes over his face as he watches the downpour, almost like a cloud burst of leaves, float to the forest floor almost as if by magic.
Mahinsa jaw drops in disbelief, his father, a true shaman.

Through the dense mist of leaves a faint figure soars almost as if riding the waves. “Daddy!” Isahia looks up in the direction his son points. He takes a wary posture, knowing nothing of the creature. “What is that?” Little Mahinsa jumps and dashes around the mushy forest trying to make heads or tails of the flying figure.

After much anticipation the unknown animal lands on one of the oak branches, the same branch home to the beautiful nest. Isahia starts jiggling around in excitement, knowing this is what all his years have gone into. “Look Mahinsa, look. Do you see, do you see the magic?” The creature begins jumping up and down, staring wisely at the nest. Isahia can barely control himself. He begins thrashing around, clearing the ground, waiting impatiently for an egg to drop. With each jump of the creature, the eggs seem to jump higher and higher, when suddenly… SNAP! The entire agglomeration comes crashing to the ground below. The nest. The branch. The creature, and finally three unrestrained eggs.

Both Isahia and Mahinsa jump back, there eyes wide open. “Be ready my son, be ready.” Mahinsa’s arms start flying in all directions not knowing what to do, or where he should be. “Come on boy!” Isahia shouting words in anger, “Stand close, closer!”

Backwards! Forwards! Left! Right! Finally Isahia stands strong, right beneath the falling eggs. “This is it, this is it!!” He screams throwing his hands in the air, the eggs only meters away. His fingers stretch out just waiting to grasp the pure oval prizes when, the animal awakens; almost as if it was a vampire in a deep sleep. Its eyes flick from side to side, gathering information on his surroundings. In a flash, it snatches each egg, burying it in what seems to be pockets specially crafted in its skin. The creature quickly rights itself. It flaps its wings giving one immense push launching into the sky above, high and out of sight.

Isahia stands like a statue, tears almost filling his eyes. In the distance he spots a faint object, slowly floating towards him. He sadly watches as the oval-shaped body falls gently into his hands. An egg. A Caruda egg. As it touches his hand, the egg splits into two empty pieces.
Isahia tenses his hands, crushing the shell into a cluster of shards, “This is what you give me, is this all you give me?”

Mahinsa slowly eases his way up to his father wrapping his arms around his leg. “Daddy?” Isahia gazes down at his son, bestowing him a light pat on his head, “One day my son, one day.”

Hope that helps,

JohnB

mr_ridd · 12-20-2007, 12:09 PM

Thanks a lot. Any comments on the writing style?

shraga · 12-20-2007, 01:55 PM

I feel that the writing style itself feels too tried, meaning that you are trying too hard using large words that may be out of place. Other then that the flow of the story was done well.

mr_ridd · 12-20-2007, 02:35 PM

Yeah you're right. I have a bad habit of trying to use large words just for the sake of it.