PatriciaDianne

VNW thank you so much. When I have a piece I have looked at for a long time it gets like a house you have lived in too long. You can't see the potential. Then if somebody buys it and rearranges it, changes a few colors and a few pieces of wallpager, and you wonder why you ever moved. I like this piece so much more since I incorporated your suggestions. I even found a few more places to tighten it up. Thanks again.


I Do Not Have A Space

I do not have a space
I thought I had a space
But deep inside I knew
All along
It was not my space
Just a space
I could use
As long as I dropped off my money
By the 4th day of the month
I pretended it was my space
And I used it
As my space
I thought I would be sad
If I ever had to leave it
But somehow
Recently
It is
More a burden than a joy
It seems
That forces beyond my control
Are urging me
To sabotage this space
Lately
I spend my time
And money
Scarce as it is
Buying things
That crowd my space
Crowding myself out
The more I buy
The more I find
This space is not enough
As I try
To make this space my own
I spoil it
It is like a lover
Who seems
So wonderful at first
You cannot believe you have him
You are sure you do not deserve him
And you declare
To yourself
You will do
Whatever it takes
To keep him
That is the first stage
Then from infatuation
Comes the comfortable time
You smile at his witticisms
Even though
You have heard them all before
You laugh
And smile
Because it makes you happy
To see him happy
This is the peaceful time
You cook for him
It seems new and fun
You clean this and that for him
It feels good
To hear him say
Sincerely
“Thank you”
You feel a satisfaction
A fair exchange is being made
But somehow
It slips up on you
One day
The space you are in
Just like the man you are in
Seems somehow smaller
And by your own hands
It seems more crowded
The space you loved
Starts draining you
Expecting from you
Smothering you
Odd
The space has not changed
The man has not changed
But your feelings are your feelings
And not to be denied
Then decisions must be made
With clarity
Must I keep this space
No
All I have to do
Is stop giving them the money
By the 4th day of the month
And the man the same
But then what
Will I seek better
Or just try to made do
Either choice
Brings its own problems
I’ll probably find a new space
And a new man
And the cycle will go on

VNW

This is very, very good!


I am not accustomed to reading this kind of piece but in my ignorance offer two observations:
- The first 8 lines (through "back to the point") felt a bit like a distracting indulgence to me. No offense intended. The remainder is sooo good.
- The short phrasing is very powerful and effective for the most part but in a few places I wondered if some lines would be better combined. For example: "As long as I dropped off my money" and "that forces beyond my control". But maybe the cost to the visual effect is not worth the comfort...