BlueLucario

Chapter two: Werewolf’s curse.



After seeing Lily and the man walking away in the distance, my surroundings transformed back to where I originally was. The cat was resting on my leg again, purring peacefully. I scratched her head and then she stood up and looked at me.

“Did you find anything important?” She asked. “Like your name?”

“I think so,” I answered. “Is my name Lily Rosewood?”

“Yes it is,” replied the cat delightedly, “That little girl you seen in that memory, she was you! You were so cute, but please don’t tell anyone. I’m not supposed to peek in someone’s memory without permission.”

“Um, okay”

All of a sudden, there was a loud, yet recognizable scream. I stood up and looked around the forest with alertness.

“You don’t have to look around so much.” Said the cat, “Do you remember what this man in your memory said about you possessing great ability?”

“He said something about that, yes,” I said, trying to wonder what the cat was trying to say, “Why?”

“Do you want to know what that ability is?”

“Yes I do”

“Close your eyes, and remain calm”

Staying calm seemed so easy. My environment appeared in black with a blue outline. I looked around the forest until I saw two moving living beings which were blue in color, one of them seem to be a girl fleeing from the other being that I could not identify. I knew the one being pursued was Aiyana, but she is so far-off. I opened my eyes and looked down at the cat.

“That girl, do you know her?” asked the cat, “She must be in trouble, let’s go help her. There’s something else that I want to show you.”

The cat ran ahead through the bushes and I soon followed without hesitation. Not running for very long, I began to notice of a cluster of trees just up ahead.

“I think we should jump across those trees” insinuated the cat, “That way we should get to the girl in no time. See that tree over there? On the count of three, we’ll jump on that big branch. And keep your eyes closed so you can pinpoint this girl’s location. Ready, One…..Two……..THREE”

I sprung forward and ascended and perched upon a large solid branch. I felt something land on my right shoulder. I turned and saw the cat, who looked back at me.

“Don’t worry about me,” she said, “you should be focusing on helping that girl. Now let’s keep going, and keep your eyes closed and focus. You can still see where you’re going.”

I closed my eyes again, and heard panting. It sounded like it was coming from every direction, making it difficult to follow the sounds. The two blue images returned to my mind, heading in my direction. I leaped forward to the nearest tree branch, and kept going until I brought myself to the ground. I watched them patiently.

“Pretty smart move getting ahead of them,” said the cat, “Now to show you what I promised. Are you left handed or right handed?”

“Do you expect me to know that?” I snapped.

“Okay never mind then, as I recall, I think you are right handed, right? Yes you are definitely. Sorry, forgot. Reach out your right hand and focus your energy through your fingers.”

I extended my right arm forward. Looking at it, I envisioned some sort of electrical surge emitting through my fingers. Immediately there appeared a swirl of blue light which formed into a blue ball. The ball of light grew larger and brighter which each passing second. I could hear the two figures approaching, so closing my eyes to see their outlines wasn’t really necessary. My eyes widened to see the first one running out in the open to be Aiyana, followed by some grotesque looking creature chasing her. She looked at me with a gaping mouth.

“Get down!” I barked.

Aiyana jumped forward, landing on her stomach. The creature came at us with its feral hostility. For some reason, it stopped running. The creature was huge and muscular standing on two legs. Blood and drool dripped from his canine-like face. Yellow stained his teeth and his claws were not only razor-sharp, but were also trickling in blood. I aimed the ball of light at the creature, shaking violently as I looked into his golden eyes. The creature gave a deafening roar. He swiftly moved toward me with ferocity, which is what I was waiting for. My energy rushed through my hands with just enough force for the ball of light to blast the creature backward into a tree. I watched the creature carefully for a moment, and noticed it sitting there motionless. I took a deep breath and looked down at Aiyana who was quivering and whimpering like a frightened puppy. She stopped moving and looked up at me. She smiled, but at the same time tears slowly rolled down her face. She quickly got on her feet then wrapped he arms around me grasping me tightly.

“Oh, my God,” she panted, “You’re okay. “This place, I don’t like it here.”

“Lily,” I whispered. “It’s Lily.”

“What? Who’s Lily?”

“My name is Lily.”

Aiyana’s hug was even tighter and it started to become painful.

“Nice to meet you Lily,” said Aiyana, who finally stopped crying. “Let’s go.”

Aiyana released her grip. We turned around and started walking. I stopped walking after hearing a thumping sound. Aiyana was lying on the grass, which was covered in a pool of blood. I walked towards her to get a closer look at her. I turned her over and saw a large wound gushing with some thick red substance. A wound so deep, that a small part of white bone became visible under the flesh. Looking a wound this deep made me shudder. Aiyana sat up and frowned.

“I’ m sorry.” she said, “That creature, you should have seen how sharp those claws are, and how foul he smelled .He slashed my leg, which now as you already know, quite disturbing to see. It really hurts to walk. We don’t know how to get out of here. ”

I continued to examine the injured leg.

“I don’t think we are too far from the city.” I said.

The sky transformed into a yellowish gold color and the clouds were dark purple. White lights flickered between the clouds followed by a noise. Aiyana shivered and her tears became visible.

“I warned you this place is dangerous!” She barked and cried even harder, “Mum must be so worried. Judging by the sunset it must be five o’ clock. She could have called the police, we could be dead here. And—Lily, why are you-”

I glanced back at Aiyana, who all of a sudden stopped sobbing.

“What’s wrong?” I asked

“You’re not like the other people I’ve met,” replied Aiyana

“Really? How so?”

“At a time like this, an average person would panic. But you, you’re just the opposite, you’re so…. So… calm. Stubborn…yet…very calm.”

Aiyana looked to another direction

“Look over there,” She pointed at the black cat, who I haven’t noticed since the encounter with the beast.

The cat walked forward and meowed. Aiyana reached out her hand to pet her.
“What’s this kitty doing here?”

“It’s my cat,” I replied.

“Oh, really, does he have a name?”

The cat rolled over meowing and purring, seeming to enjoy being stroked. She quickly got up and jumped backward, hissing loudly. Her back arched, and her tail twitched sideways.

“Something is wrong,” said Aiyana, “When cats behave like that, that means something must have spooked them. But what-”

Her eyes expanded after she looked up. She shivered then collapsed. I noticed a shadow between me and Aiyana, growing larger and wider.

I turned around to see the monster in the air with its mouth open, plummeting down at me fast. I could have darted out of the way, but doing so will hurt Aiyana, so I stood my ground. Before there was enough time to defend my self, the beast landed on me and pushed me onto the ground. Blood dripped from my right shoulder after the creature’s fangs impaled it. I could not move my other arm, while it’s being pressed down by the rest of my body. Struggling free was impossible. The creature’s teeth dug deeper into my shoulder tearing my muscle tissues. The excruciating pain made my teeth and my eyes watery.

“Mew” The cat ran in front of me. There was a flash of bright light and there stood a girl, with hair as black as mine, with eyes as yellow as the creatures and with catlike ears on top. She looked down and winked at me. She jumped backward and extended her arms forward with widened hands.

“I call upon the fire dog spirit; breathe thy fiery breath, to scorch the wickedness that pollutes our land. I SUMMON THEE!”

Out of nowhere appeared three dog-shaped flames encircling the girl. The dogs faced my direction and one of the charged jumping on the creatures back and bit him. The creature released his grip and struggled to get the fire dog off, but the dog didn’t budge. Following the first dog, the two dogs rushed in and each one grabbed an arm. I turned around and watched helplessly as flames spread around them, morphing in to a fiery sphere. The beast howled in pain. The sphere began to expand slowly until it made a sudden explosion, leaving no remains.

“Are you okay?” The girl walked towards me and reached out her hand. Her voice was so familiar.

I grasped her hand and was pulled up to my feet.

“Thanks,” I said.

The girl gave an obeisant bow.

“No problem, Nya” The girl smiled “Happy to help you, Master.”

The last word that she just said made me conclude that she was the black cat. There was a burning sensation coming from my injured shoulder, spreading throughout the arm. My palm turned red and became sore and every time I would move my finger.

“You’re hurt,” said the cat girl

“Don’t worry about me,” I said then turn to Aiyana, who passed out. “I think I should take Aiyana out of here.”

“I can help you with that. I know a teleportation spell. I can get you out of this forest. Is that alright?”

I turned to the cat girl and nodded.

“Go to that girl, then. I’ll get the spell ready. Where do you want to go?”

At first I thought of going to Aiyana’s house, but I changed my mind when I took another look at her injured leg. She needed medical attention quickly.

“ Can you warp us to two different places?” I asked.

“Only if you tell me where,” answered the cat girl,

“I’m going Home.” I replied, “But after I get warped I want you to teleport this girl to a place where she can get medical care.”

“As you wish.” The cat girl bowed.

The girl stood in front of me, placing her hands together like she was praying. Her hands glowed in a light blue color.

“Teleportus” She said

The wind began to blow and I felt somewhat buoyant. A few seconds later, I ended up in front of Aiyana’s house standing at the front door. I turned the knob and walked inside to hear someone sobbing. It seemed to be coming from the Kitchen. I went there to see Solana on the table with her head down. She placed her head up, seeming to discover that I was here. She looked at me with her watery expanded eyes.

“Where have you been?” she asked putting on her glasses on. “And where’s Aiyana?”

Judging by that tone, she sounded more angry than sad. I continued to look at her nervously and said nothing.

“Aiyana came home from school at no later than two o clock,” said Solana “Right now,” she looked at the clock behind her, “It’s seven-twenty. I was about to call the police. Where have you two been for five hours? And why are you bleeding?”

She stood up to look at the wound. I pulled away and said,

“Stop, I’m fine”

“Let me see,” said Solana, “I’m not going to touch it.”

I released my bloody hand off my shoulder. Solana grabbed a roll of paper towels and took a bottle of rubbing alcohol from the pantry. She poured some alcohol into a paper towel square and placed it close to the wound.

“Now relax for me,” she said, “This will sting a bit”

As soon as she placed the wet paper towel on my shoulder and felt unbearable stinging sensations. The more she wiped the wound, the more excruciating the pain felt. She saw more of the wound on my back shoulder.

“Is this… a bite wound?” she asked.

“Yes, but I’m fine,” I answered, “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Don’t you dare tell me not to worry!” shouted Solana, “Whatever the hell bit you could have rabies! I may not be your mother, young lady, but I still have every right to be concerned about your safety.”

All of a sudden the phone rang and Solana jumped in surprise. She went to her purse to reach for her cell phone.

“Hello?”

I watched her stand there by the counter.

“Yes, this is Solana. I’m sorry, let me put you on speaker” She placed her phone on the table and sat down.

“Hello can you hear me now?”

“Yes I can Ms. Frost.” Said a male’s voice on the phone.

“How may I help you?” asked Solana

“My name is Chuck and I’m calling from Medical Center. I’m calling about your daughter Aiyana. ”

Solana’s eyes expanded, and she began to breathe heavily.

“Yes, what seems to be the problem?” Solana started biting her thumb.


“We cannot tell you over the phone ma’am”



“Why not? I’m her mother”

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to come and visit, we cannot tell you the situation over the phone.”

“Oh…. Alright, but is my daughter going to be okay?

“I’m sorry, but the only information I can give you is that your daughter is here. You must come to the hospital, and you must be the parent or guardian to visit the patient. No one else may come but the parent.”

“ Thank you,” Solana hung up.

“Solana,” I said, and sighed, “Aiyana was with me in the forest. She insisted on making me stay in the house. I did not ask her to follow me there.”

I could have apologized to Solana for the incident, but Aiyana’s injury was not my fault.

“What were you doing in the forest?” Asked Solana, who calmed down.

“I do not have an answer to that question.”

“What do you mean?”

“I cannot answer that.”

“What? Oh, forget it. Anyway did you find any information on the Registry?”

“No. However I did discover my name and my date of birth.”

Solana smiled, “Oh really, what is it?”

“It’s Lily, and I’m born on the 20th day of December.”

“What year?”

“1995”

“Ah! So you’re eleven years old. You won’t turn twelve for about another month. Aiyana’s birthday is this Friday.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, anyways no time to talk,” said Solana, “I must get to the hospital and hopefully someone can give me an answer as to what’s going on.”

Solana grabbed her purse, and left the kitchen. As soon as she opened the door, there were droplets of water falling from the sky and the ground was covered was in puddles. Solana hesitated for a second and then looked at me.
“You know what?” she said. “You are coming with me to get that wound treated.”

I looked down and heaved a heavy sigh.

“I said I’m fine.” I clenched my teeth.

“And I said you’re going to the hospital to get that wound checked out.” argued Solana. “Quit being so stubborn! Why can’t you be happy that someone cares about you? Now go fetch my umbrella and let’s go.”

The way Solana ordered me like that felt like an unreachable itch. Seeing that there was no point in arguing with her, I grabbed the umbrella on the table next to me and walked in the rain. They sky was even darker now. There on the driveway was a red car, with several dents on the hood and a broken headlight. Solana walked ahead and took out her keys and opened the door. We both got in at the same time.

It’s been a while since we left, and none of us had said a word. I could feel Solana’s energy of anger and sadness, emotions I would have expected from any worried mother. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I felt that it would be best to wait a while until she calmed down. She must be angry for some other reason besides us being out for several hours. Was it because she made a big deal about the wound and I assured her that everything was fine? I looked at her and began to wonder what she was thinking. I began to remember when we were back home, the emotional expressions displayed on her face when she discovered that Aiyana was at the hospital. Why was she angry back then? I finally began to understand that she really loved Aiyana, and if anything happened to her, she would become an emotional wreck.

All of a sudden, the pain on my shoulder came back, causing me to return to reality. I clutched my shoulder tightly and shrieked in agony. The pain felt like spilled hot tar. Solana turned around.

“What happened?” She pulled over to the side of the road and turned her car lights on. “What’s wrong, Lily?”

I felt something large and squishy on the place where I was bitten. I looked to see a large purple lump shaped like a moon crescent. Solana move my arm aside to take a look at it.

“This isn’t good. I have never a bruise like this before.”

She turned her light off and sped off.

Floris

I like it, it was fun to read.

A few comments:
The word 'pinpoint' (= Army jargon) is not appropriate here, sort of breaks immersion. Also, I wouldn't use a countdown, but that's subjective.

This is too descriptive, too 'plain'. Try something like this: "The two-legged creature had a muscular look about it."

Unless this girl is an army veteran, 'a wound so deep, that a small part of white bone became visible under the flesh' should be very frightening to her. This dialogue doesn't really make sense.

That's probably the most cliché sentence possible, I suggest changing it.

After years of bad magic-spells in fantasy novels, JK Rowling did it best by just taking some latin words and change them a little. Try doing that by taking an Russian/Hungarian dictionary and changing the words into a sentence and make that the 'spell'.

Just a few paragraphs before, you describe how much the MC is hurt. Muscles ripped, flesh teared off. That hurts, believe me. "Don't worry about me," is not something someone with no experience with wounds could say in a situation like this.

First, this catgirl suggests the spell itself is tough, but then the anti-climax comes and it's only one word. Try making it atleast five words.

You've described how 'muscle tissue teared', that's a pretty deep wound. Very deep. For a 'mother-like' character, this person is too little impressed by the actual lack of flesh there.

This Solana's daughter is in the hospital and the staff refused to say anything about the nature of the injuries on the phone, this woman should be suffering a severe attack of anxiety, not calming down.

The MC is eleven, she doesn't think this complicated.



On the whole, it's fun to read. Take care with the dialogue though....

Floris

BlueLucario

Dialogue is hard. Thanks for the review I have a question. The eleven year old doesn't think this complicated. What do you mean by that?

Floris

What I meant with that, is an eleven-year-old isn't that empathic, a child of that age is nice to just about everyone, but is incapable of placing herself in the shoes/thoughts of someone else.

With 'Impressed' I meant the reaction to such a deep wound was too little.

BlueLucario

I didn't mean for her to be empathic. By the way about the cat, you said

First, this catgirl suggests the spell itself is tough, but then the anti-climax comes and it's only one word. Try making it atleast five words.

What did you mean by that?

Floris

Well, I just mean that a spell should be more tough than saying one word. Try including an expression like "She frowned in concentration". And try making the spell itself (the word(s)) a little longer. Like this:
"Lepes Mozac Rabir" (Taken from Hungarian dictionary "Move")

BlueLucario

Oh, I see.

BlueLucario

You have an idea of how I can Improve?

BlueLucario

Here's an update

It’s been a while since we left, and none of us had said a word. I could feel Solana’s energy of anger and sadness, emotions I would have expected from any worried mother. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I felt that it would be best to wait a while until she calmed down. She must be angry for some other reason besides us being out for several hours. Was it because she made a big deal about the wound and I assured her that everything was fine? I looked at her and began to wonder what she was thinking. I began to remember when we were back home, the emotional expressions displayed on her face when she discovered that Aiyana was at the hospital. Why was she angry back then? I finally began to understand that she really loved Aiyana, and if anything happened to her, she would become an emotional wreck.

All of a sudden, the pain on my shoulder came back, causing me to return to reality. I clutched my shoulder tightly and shrieked in agony. The pain felt like spilled hot tar. Solana turned around.

“What happened?” She pulled over to the side of the road and turned her car lights on. “What’s wrong, Lily?”

I felt something large and squishy on the place where I was bitten. I looked to see a large purple lump shaped like a moon crescent. Solana move my arm aside to take a look at it.

“This isn’t good. I have never a bruise like this before.”

She turned her light off and sped off.

We arrived at the hospital. I sat in the waiting room, pressing my bleeding wound with a clean cloth. Solana stood near the counter, talking to the receptionist.

“My name is Solana Frost and I’m here to visit my daughter Aiyana. And”

“Visiting hours is closed, Ma’am. You can come back tomorrow morning at nine.” The old woman’s voice sounded hoarse.

“No, I’m here to visit my daughter. I just got a phone call from the hospital, telling me that my daughter is here.”

“I understand that ma’am. But you cannot visit you’re daughter after visiting hours. But you can have a chat with one of her doctors. Do you want me to call him?

“Yes please.”

She leaned to the side and took a look at me.

“Is this young lady with you?”

“Yes she is, and she-“

“I’m sorry ma’am, but we can only take one relative for the patient”

“No, she’s not a visitor. She was injured earlier. She seems to have an animal bite and she is bleeding pretty badly.”

“Okay, I’ll call someone to take a look at her.”

She picked up the phone and pushed some buttons. Solana took a seat next to me.

The waiting room was quiet and it seems that Solana and I were the only ones here. A mountain of old magazines sat on a table. The radio behind the counter played oldies and country music. Solana was shaking and sobbing hysterically. I grabbed a box of tissues and handed it to her. Solana smiled at me and took a square of tissue.

“Thanks,” she said, and blew her nose. “That wound, doesn’t it hurt?”

“It does,” I said, “But I have gotten used to it.”

“He will be with you shortly.” said the receptionist, “ May I have the young lady enter through that door on the left?”
Solana looked at me and nodded. I stood up and opened the door next to the counter. The receptionist pointed to a hallway behind me.

“First door on the left, Hon” she said. “She’ll be there soon.”

I walked into the room as directed and sat down. I looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes and thought of Aiyana. Even though I am not to blame for her injuries, not that it mattered at this point, I still wondered if she would be alright. I did not want to be optimistic about it, nor did I want to be a pessimist. I kept asking myself if she would be out of the hospital soon. I made a deep sigh and thought that it’s better to wait rather than worry about her. A young male passed by and went to the old receptionist. I couldn’t hear their conversation, but I know that it was short. He opened the door near the receptionist and said,

“Is Solana Frost here?”

Solana followed the man to the room next door to the room where I was. They started talking and I can easily hear their conversation.

“Hello Ms. Frost. My name is Dr. Dan Roland, and you know why we are both here tonight.”

“Yes sir.”

“You see, your daughter has a very deep wound near her ankle. We don’t know how she got it, but she claims a creature attacked her in the forest.”

“Oh dear.”

“Here we have some photos of the wound and an x-ray image showing that she also sprained her ankle.”

I could hear Solana breathing heavily. “Oh dear lord. Is she going to be okay?”

There was a moment of silence.

“To be honest with you Ms. Frost, we don’t know. Aiyana has been bleeding since she was brought here. We can’t stop the bleeding, and we don’t know whether or not this wound is infected. If we don’t stop the bleeding soon, we are going to have to amputate the leg.”

Solana gasped and started crying. Just hearing the man say that he doesn’t know if he can help Aiyana really annoyed me. It sounds to me that these “doctors” don’t know how to do their jobs. That was the most pathetic thing I have ever heard for as long I can remember, and there’s not much to remember. Saying something like that, especially to a mother just irked me.

BlueLucario

Question.

What do you think of the characters of my story?


Do you guys think I'm rushing through scenes in this story? A critter said I did.