We Fight for the Fallen - 400 words - Writers Forum

Flash85 · 12-12-2007, 06:11 AM

The cruel torture that had plagued him became too much to handle, as Ronald collapsed to the jungle scrub beneath him. He could no longer stand on his own two feet, knowing all to well that his fate was almost certainly doomed. Ronald, alongside his fellow prison inmates, had been forced to march almost three whole days through the most gruelling and punishing of environments. Their destination was unknown to the prisoners, leaving the hellish prison camp that had once housed them to embark on a seemingly endless nightmare of pain and death. Many had perished before him, succumbing to the deadly jungle around them. Time had become their worst enemy, as one by one the prison inmates lost their struggle of endurance. And now it seemed that Ronald would join the ranks of the fallen – or so it seemed.

A guard stood over Ronald, gun at the ready, looking down on him with glee and spite. Fear had struck Ronald’s body, recognizing the guard; a notorious barbaric general who paid no mercy to his captors. It was this same man, who took pleasure in the pain of others, the same man that had murdered so many of Ronald’s comrades in acts of unmeasurable cruelty. The guard knelt down, violently pushing Ronald onto his back. Ripping open his ragged, navy green buttoned shirt, the guard reached for a bronze medallion that hung from Ronald’s neck by a thin, golden chain. Suddenly, Ronald’s arm sprung up from the jungle floor, grabbing the guards arm as his fingers touched the medallion. The medallion meant a great deal to Ronald, using the last of his strength to protect his treasured item. It was of no use though, as the guards pummelling fist came down, striking Ronald in the face. Ronald’s grip was no more and the prized medallion was snatched away by the guard.

All sense of pride left Ronald, releasing a cry of belligerence as the medallion was taken from him. The smile of glee left the guards face. Death was a mere second away. All was lost. The gun now was aimed at Ronald’s pain stricken face. Ronald’s eyes closed and a shot rang out. Opening his eyes, Ronald saw the guard momentarily moan in pain, and with blood dripping from his camouflaged jacket, the guard fell to the floor. The guard had released the medallion from his evil grip, dropping it into Ronald’s outreached hands. An explosion erupted, chaos ensued and everything went black...

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So it took me about 15 minuets to write this down and a few seconds to come up with the title

I didn’t have any plan or idea for a story – I just started writing and it all came to me. I’m sure I could go over this, improve it a lot and add to it. I wanted to get your opinions and first impressions. Do you think I have what it takes to become a good novelist? Did this interest you at all? Would you like to read more?

Thanks!

WriterJohnB · 12-12-2007, 07:25 AM

Okay, even though you, like many others before you, came her and posted a hastily written passage before bothering to critique the works of others, I'll give it a shot. To answer your question, yes, you have what it takes to become a novelist. Grammar and spelling okay, just like they teach you in school and I assume you have an imagination. Now go around the site and learn the ways authors construct sentences and scenes to evoke excitement, curiosity, etc. in their readers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flash85

Ronald collapsed to the jungle floor beneath him. He could no longer stand on his own two feet, even knowing that he had sealed his doom. He had been forced to march for three days through the most gruelling and punishing of environments, since leaving the hellish prison camp to embark on a seemingly endless nightmare of pain and death. Many had perished before him, succumbing to the deadly jungle around them. Time had become their worst enemy, as one by one the prison inmates lost their struggle of endurance. And now, Ronald would join the ranks of the fallen.

A guard stood over Ronald, gun at the ready, looking down on him. He recognized the guard; a notoriously barbaric individual )Don't say "general." Generals do not guard prisoners. who showed no mercy to his captors. It was this same man, who had murdered so many of his comrades in acts of unmeasurable cruelty. The guard knelt down, violently pushing him onto his back. Ripping open Ronald's ragged, navy green buttoned shirt, the guard reached for a bronze medallion on a thin, golden chain. Suddenly, Ronald’s arm sprang up from the jungle floor, grabbing the guards arm. The medallion meant a great deal to Ronald. He mustered the last of his strength to protect his treasured item. It was of no use though, as the guards pummelling fist came down, striking him in the face. The guard snatched away the medallion.

The guard stood and took his pistol from its holder. All was lost. The gun now was aimed at Ronald’s pain stricken face. He closed his eyes. A shot rang out. Ronald heard the guard moan in pain and opened his eyes. Blood dripped from his executioner's camouflaged jacket. His dying hands released te medallion and it dropped into Ronald's outstretched hand. The guard went over like a palm tree in a hurricane, thudding to the ground next to Ronald.

An explosion erupted, chaos ensued and everything went black...

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Main problem was the repetition of the character's name. There are only two characters, so you only need to mention his name when lending attribution to a pronoun. My other gripe: they are in the jungle, yet you have the dead guard fall to the "floor."

Otherwise, not bad for a beginner. Go to other threads and learn how more experienced writers handle themselves.

Hope this helped.

JohnB

Flash85 · 12-12-2007, 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WriterJohnB

Okay, even though you, like many others before you, came her and posted a hastily written passage before bothering to critique the works of others, I'll give it a shot. To answer your question, yes, you have what it takes to become a novelist. Grammar and spelling okay, just like they teach you in school and I assume you have an imagination. Now go around the site and learn the ways authors construct sentences and scenes to evoke excitement, curiosity, etc. in their readers.

Main problem was the repetition of the character's name. There are only two characters, so you only need to mention his name when lending attribution to a pronoun. My other gripe: they are in the jungle, yet you have the dead guard fall to the "floor."

Otherwise, not bad for a beginner. Go to other threads and learn how more experienced writers handle themselves.

Hope this helped.

JohnB

Thanks for going through my work and critiquing it, much appreciated. Knowing not to use repetition of the characters name will be a big help to me in the future. I guess my sentence structure needs some work to. I'll take your advice and hang around for a while

I will give my opinion on others works, but I'm still a beginner myself.

Thank you

ieuan · 12-19-2007, 01:13 PM

We Fight for the Fallen - 400 words

The cruel torture that had plagued him became too much to handle, as Ronald collapsed (1) to the jungle scrub beneath him. He could no longer stand on his own two feet, knowing all to well that his fate was almost certainly doomed. Ronald, alongside his fellow prison inmates, had been forced to march almost three whole days through the most gruelling and punishing of environments. Their destination was unknown to the prisoners, leaving the hellish prison camp that had once housed them to embark on a seemingly endless nightmare of pain and death. Many had perished before him, (2)succumbing to the deadly jungle around them. Time had become their worst enemy, as one by one the prison inmates (3)lost their struggle of endurance. And now it seemed that Ronald would join the ranks of the fallen – or so it seemed.A guard stood over Ronald, gun at the ready, looking down on him with (4)glee and spite. (5)Fear had struck Ronald’s body, recognizing the guard; a notorious barbaric general who paid no mercy to his captors. It was this same man, who took pleasure in the pain of others, the same man that had murdered so many of Ronald’s comrades in acts of unmeasurable cruelty.

------------

So it took me about 15 minuets to write this down and a few seconds to come up with the title I didn’t have any plan or idea for a story – I just started writing and it all came to me. I’m sure I could go over this, improve it a lot and add to it. I wanted to get your opinions and first impressions. Do you think I have what it takes to become a good novelist? Did this interest you at all? Would you like to read more?

Thanks!

Last edited by Flash85 : 12-12-2007 at 12:13 PM.

(1)[to the jungle scrub beneath him] Suggest: He sank to the ground exhausted.

(2) [succumbing to the deadly jungle around them.] How did they succumb to the jungle, did it eat them, or follow them to strangle them, just how could a jungle kill them, explain to the reader. Was it exhaustion pr the heat or the gruelling pace non that cn be assigned to the jungle, was it jungle diseases? What exactly killed them?

(3) [lost their struggle of endurance]Don’t you mean struggle for survival?

(4) [glee and spite] What does glee and spite look like?

(5) [Fear had struck Ronald’s body,] How had fear struck his body, what did it do to his body, did he shake with fear or tremble or lose control of his faculties and pee himself or shit himself? Explain.

(6) [notorious barbaric general] Isn’t a general a bit high up to be guarding a mere prisoner of war, a general would personally guard a member of royalty but too high for anyone else.

(7) [captors.] You must mean captives.

I stopped after (7) I need not go on. You did write it in 15 minutes and it shows, try and cut the wordiness and try and be more precise in what you say. Think about every sentence and be ruthless with platitudes and wordiness, avoid vague statements and abhor nonsensical statements like the general. Your readers are far more discerning than you realise.

Try and write as much as you can and ask the question again in a year's time.

regards

Ieuan

Floris · 12-19-2007, 04:53 PM

It's better than most could write (not counting this forum, offcourse), but as pointed out earlier, it has it's faults.

There's however, alot more to writing a novel than what you just wrote. As I found out, a novel requires an accurate plan, not just random thought put into a sentence.

I like it.

Floris

EDIT: Might I suggest you change the name to "Fight of the Fallen", there really isn't any fighting for Fallen, just by Fallen.