Andrew Carson

This idea is about a Doctor who's life is going down a slippery slope. He strugles with people dying. After several of his patients die because of a choice he made, he goes into depression. The story is about what happens after this and his getting to terms with the situation. The deatails are not decided yet so any help will be needed.

Prologue
Dead. Again some one dies too early, for reasons no one can explain. No one can help it and no one can stop it. All you can do is pray. Sometimes praying doesn’t work and death comes anyway. Not just affecting the person but all of there family and friends. The doctors who tried to save them are affected, as are the people who came in contact with them on that fatal day.

Michael Gory had dealt with death so much that it had just become a co-worker. Someone who comes in and ruins everything. He sat there on his chair staring at the person who just two minutes ago was Mrs Harper. A nurse walked in and sat by Doctor Gory, placing a single hand on his knee the touch was cold but at the same time made him feel warm. She looked at him and whispered

“It’s not your fault; there was nothing you could do.”

Doctor Gory got up without looking at the nurse and just walked out. Saying nothing. No expression just carrying on with his job. The nurse got up and pulled a sheet over Mrs Harper, then started out the door. Once again Death had affected people in a matter of minutes. Two people depressed. The family not yet informed.

Doctor Gory Walked down the hospital corridor, aware of the constant smell of blood and decay. The walls a plain white, giving no emotion. The family room was at the end of the hospital. In there where were three family members of Mrs Harper. All waiting for news on there loved one.

Mary Walker sat in the brown chair, which although cushioned was uncomfortable. Springs stuck out and dug into her. She was waiting to see her Nan again. Nan had gone into some kind of heart attack and was being treated now. She hoped that they would be off soon being as it was her birthday the next day. Nan had come over to see her. Then when in the car she became in sudden pain, screaming. Mary had rushed to the hospital and she was rushed into care. Now was the waiting game. She trusted the doctors, they were good. They said she would be fine.

Doctor Gory walked down towards the family room, all things seeming unimportant. No matter how many times you have to tell a family that there loved ones are dead, it is never any easier. Some days you just consider going, leaving the hospital behind. Michael’s steps were long, quick strides. He reached the room in a matter of minutes. The door was slightly a jar. For a second he stood there and peered in to look at the family. The family this time was actually just one person; making it even harder. If there were more people they would be strong for each other, however she was on her own, therefore needing comfort. She would want to know all the details. This was when doctors got lost in self pity and grief.

Pushing the door gently, revealing his presence slowly Gory entered the room. As soon as the grand-daughter saw him, her head shot up with wide eyes. Urging for good news. Doctor Gory used his best doctor voice he could muster.

“Miss Walker?” She stared into Gory’s eyes; seeing the truth. At that precise moment Doctor Gory’s stomach sank, taking his heart with it.

“Miss Walker, we have some…” Suddenly Mary Walker was standing, tears already filling her eyes,

“She is alright, and I know it! Please doctor…” Then her tears overcame her words. Her shoulders were bouncing slightly as she was hunched over No longer trying to compose herself. Please doctor, as if Gory could change what had happened. He closed his eyes seeking some sort of help; none came.

“Mrs Harper died just after surgery. We did all we could. I am so sorry.” With these words, Mary Walker stumbled towards the doctor. Michael embraced her. Comforting Mary as well as himself.


Thank You for reading all help and comments welcome.

Delgesu

What a sad little picture you painted in this vignette. Poignant and direct, I like it! Keep up the good work!

Andrew Carson

Thank you very much i am just putting up chapter one now. All help will be needed

Thank You

Andrew Carson

girlswitguns

Well I love tragic stories but by your synopsis it seems this is a fallen hero, road to redemption sort of tale...or am I wrong in assuming that?

In the aftermath of his patients death's he is coming to terms with what has happened, but he is a doctor and death is, logically, a part of that profession which I'm sure he had prepared himself for. However with so many patients (I assume) dying consecutively that seems odd, what exactly were the choices he made that led to their demise?

Is he a drunk, an addict or simply incompetent...family problems, financial problems or something else preoccupying his mind that he cannot perform his duties as a doctor?

These were the questions that came to mind while I was reading it. I'm new to seriously writing, but I find myself falling into cliche more times than I care to admit. I think in the direction you are going you have to be careful not to get caught in melodrama that doesn't endure the reader to continue following the story.

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Half a brain and half the wit. Only half of that sentence need apply to critique. No explanation neccessary.

Vitalis

Andrew Carson

Thank you for your comments. Like I say plot wise, I am trying things out. I am not 100% yet so any help will be appreicated.

Thanks

Andrew Carson

animator

your better off making a plan for each chapter before you write the story

Andrew Carson

Thank you animator, i think that is a good idea. I will work on that now.

Thank You
Andrew Carson

mcqueen

The Hack

Andrew, I remember you posting something similar to this sometime back. This looks a lot better - cleaner - than the first time around. I like it.

Along with the grammer and editing tips by vitalis and mcqueen, I am big fan of removing supurfluous "that"'s. For example:

Read it out loud with the "that" and without it. Personally, I think it flows better without.

So, it needs some cleaning, but it's certainly improving. Will you be posting more of the story here?

Andrew Carson

yes i have done a chapter one it would be great if you could have a read of that and give me some ideas. As always thank you Hack, you are a great help.

Thanks
Andrew Carson

lilacstarflower

Hey, just to let you know I'll be in later to crit this in return for you looking over mine - going to work just now

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Andrew Carson

Thank you it has been a while since i have worked on this! At the moment I am doing a plan for something new. Could take a while but we will see.

lilacstarflower

I think the opening would be a better hook if it started with "Dead, again. Someone always died too early...". Gets the reader wondering IMO.

I liked this line



I'm not entirely sure about this - but it may work better if it were part of the previous sentence. Standing alone it seemed a little out of place

I've noticed you referred to the MC as Doctor Gory quite a few times. I think just Gory would suffice after the first Doctor Gory is read.

You said something about the constant smell of blood and decay - a little more description would be good. Did it cling to his nostrils? Make him feel nauseous?

Besides these points, there is nothing else I can add that others havn't already mentioned. This was interesting and I enjoyed reading it

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HippoHead

I think it tries too hard to be poignant, and because of this, it falters a little. Perhaps be more subtle with your wording? I don't remember there being any body language inluded in this; 'long quick strides' was about it, and that line seems a bit contradictory in itself.