AliceLiddell

Sorry, from other posts on this forum, this place obviously doesn't welcome new people. I'm taking my posts down before getting verbally cut down because I'm new.

AliceLiddell

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Malone

Wow. I love your voice. I've got a migraine, so I won't go in depth right now. Actually, I won't even finish it right now, as I see it just filled two posts, but I'll give initial reactions on the opening bit.

Threw me off at first with such frank addressing of the reader, and the word "ain't" but after a couple paragraphs, you really had me.

I used to finger fuck a girl named Crystal in 8th grade. She had ridicuously huge tits and could suck dick like a champ. Real white trash bitch. So your little narration about the name hit home and I found it humorous. Nice job.

Used and left for dead. Surprised it wasn't her brother. Nice. My kind of subject matter so far.

The line about the MC asking to smoke is amazing. Feels familiar, though, but I can't place where, so I'll give it to you as original.

I'm confused if EVE is a person or a group at this point. You address it as "they." Hopefully this will be revealed later.

So the MC is a girl. Hmm. I thought guy up to this point, but you reveal gender early enough that the misleading doesn't hurt.

"Mundanes." Very nice. I got what you meant before you explained it, but the explanation doesn't hurt. Now I see you're addressing a fed. Interesting.

Alright, I gotta shower this headache away. Early impressions are that this kicks ass and I want to come back and finish. This feels like Chuck Palanhiuk meets Bukowski meets...some female writer...Plath in Bell Jar, but much more modern and white trash and dirty and not suicidal. That's a great mix in my book.

You've hooked me, I'll be back for more. We share a love of off beat macabre shit it seems.

Aevin

I won't waste your time telling you that it's good--you obviously already know that. To write with such unerring confidence is impossible for someone who thinks their writing is bad. (Trust me, I know.)

Great voice. It was dark. Realistic. Humorous. Seemed like it had a bit of everything. Have you ever read Delores Claiborne by Stephen King? This strongly reminded me of it in terms of voice and basic layout. The way you have someone telling about a murder (I assume) in a digressive, matter-of-fact kind of voice is very reminiscent of that book.

I'm sure I could find some things to suggest in here, but I'll be honest. When the writing's good enough that I have to look this hard to find things to critique, it just seems like too much effort. I'm sure you could find most of it yourself, anyway.

What I will mention is the beginning. Like Malone, I felt that it took a couple of paragraphs to really get into the story. Once we hit the paragraph about smoking, I was fully immersed. I genuinely like your opening paragraph, but it makes it feel like the story is being narrated by a selfconscious author, rather than told informally aloud. I'd say you need to give us a bigger clue in the first paragraph, to save us from trying to figure it out while missing some of the cool stuff you're doing.

Had to comment on this one, because it's hilarious. I know you mentioned having sex with Crystal as one of his visions to drive plot, but the phrasing is funny. Murdering kids. Flesh-eating virus. Sex with Crystal. Which one is worse?

Anyway, you're quite skilled. Thanks for sharing your work!

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"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

AliceLiddell

Thank you both for your comments.

Aevin, I appreciate the insight about it not seeming at first to be a woman talking out loud. I will be trying to make a change to that and see if I can make it more clear without changing the feel too much. I don't think my writing is bad, but I do wonder often if it is good enough to get published. There's a big difference between me liking a story and being able to make others want to read the story I have to tell.

Malone, sorry to hear about your migraine. Those are never fun. I do like the macabre, but am trying not to rely too heavily on it. EVE is indeed a group, which gets covered later on in the first chapter. Do you think it needs to be more clear before that point? Perhaps I should change it to E.V.E. instead of simply EVE?

Again, thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

Non Serviam

Best suggestion I can make is to shorten your paragraphs a tad. Aim for an average of three or four sentences a paragraph; otherwise there's a slightly intimidating "wall of text" effect.

Don't cut content, or at least, not too much. Just stick some extra paragraph breaks into the existing paragraphs.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle The ways of the world are twisty and unknowable, the only way to be sure you are not caught out in something you regret is not to do things you may regret.

Malone

I finished the first chapter. EVE came across very clear, no need to explain it further.
Good stuff.