Twiggy

Well obviously not my first attempt at writing in the literal sense. Bah, you know what I mean...

Harsh critiscism will be greatly appreciated (and graciously received )

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The chorus of the checkout points was getting busier. It always did. Just like the singing of birds heard at dawn it begins as a solitary call. Slowly it's comrades begin to join in until any suggestion of silence is completely wiped out. Unlike the singing of birds however, the relentless bleeping of checkout points is far from comforting. Where the calls of birds in the morning may be the first sign of life someone has heard for several sleepless hours, the bleeping of the checkout points may serve as a heartless reminder about how mundane and meaningless everyone's lives can be. Perhaps this is only true for those who are inclined to think rather morbid thoughts. In any case, even the most optimistic of people would soon come to detest the noise if they were forced to work eight hours a day in the middle of it.


Two figures were hunched over a desk near the entrance to the supermarket. A man and a woman, probably in their early twenties. A sign behind them read 'Customer Service'. The man, whose name was revealed to be 'Andrew' by the tag on his shirt, glanced at the clock on the wall before returning to his slumped position on the desk. He sighed. The woman next to him, who was not wearing a tag, looked up to see someone approaching them.
'Incoming.' She muttered quietly. Both figures assumed a slightly more professional posture and surprisingly convincing smiles replaced the blank expressions filling their faces seconds earlier.
'Good evening madam, how can we help you?' Said Andrew in a voice as convincingly sincere as his smile. The elderly woman standing in front of them fumbled around in her handbag and pulled out a plastic bag containing something cylindrical.
'I err.. I bought a can of your “Top value rice pudding” last week and err...' There was a clunk as she placed the can on the desk between the two employees and pulled the plastic cover off.
'And I found a rat in it.'
Identical expressions took over the employees faces. Their smiles disappeared as their mouths dropped open, and they both looked sideways to face each other. In unison, they slowly turned their heads back towards the can and leaned forward to peer over the rim. There was indeed a rat in it. Well, half a rat- the other half must have been sliced off somewhere in the factory process. After a few seconds of staring in amazement Andrew looked up at the elderly woman and tried his best to revert his expression back to the smile.




The clock showed twenty to five- fifteen minutes had passed since Andrew had checked it earlier. He held the can in his hand and was poking the contents with the end of a pen.
'Christ, you can see it's brain!' He said with a sadistic grin on his face.
'Just put it away already. Do you have any idea how important that is?' Said the tag-less woman next to him.
'Since when have you gave a crap about this job?' Said Andrew, briefly ceasing his probing of the unfortunate rodent to look her in the eye.
'Someone's gonna go through hell for this. Law suits, hygiene inspections and stuff. You're tampering with the evidence. Just stop it.'
'Fine... If it makes you happy.'
He risked one last prod with the pen and then stashed the can away under the desk. The two sat in silence for the next few minutes. The excitement of the previous situation soon began to wear off and they returned to their slumped positions.

'I'm sick of this.' Said the woman, without looking round at Andrew.
'Of what?'
'You know what.' She hissed as she tilted her head to return his gaze. 'We have to spend all day putting up with self righteous angry general public armed with consumer rights. We get piss poor pay for doing it then we go home and waste away in front of the TV until we're tired enough to sleep.'
'Something else bothering you?' Said Andrew.
The woman sighed. 'I think I just need a change. Everything is just the same every day.'
'Well why don't you come out with me and the gang tonight? You remember how fun the old days were.'
'I don't do that stuff any more Andy.' She said, with a sliver of doubt which suggested she could be persuaded otherwise. Andy noticed this.
'C'mon' he said. 'Once more isn't gonna make you go crazy.'
'I said no.'
'I'll even pay for you!'
There was a brief pause.
'Fine... If it makes you happy.' She said with a sliver of smugness.

Malone

Too many words in the first paragraph. Somewhere around explaining how the noise could be mundane, the voice went from poignant to wordy. I'd just trim up the end, the first few lines are wonderful
Disgusting image about the rat. I gagged a little when Andrew said he could see brain. Great little plot device there, breaking up the monotony of their job.
I like that the woman hates her job, and is more vocal about it than Andrew, but it never really goes anywhere. I kept waiting for some revelation or meaning, and it just ends. Need to work on finishing this up and making it something more.
You use "sliver" twice right there at the end. One time too many.
Good read. Work on the ending.

Twiggy

Thanks! I'll get to work on those points right now.

Dave13

The chorus of the checkout points was getting busier. It always did. Just like the singing of birds heard at dawn it begins as a solitary call. Slowly it's comrades begin to join in until any suggestion of silence is completely wiped out. Unlike the singing of birds however, the relentless bleeping of checkout points is far from comforting. Where the calls of birds in the morning may be the first sign of life someone has heard for several sleepless hours, the bleeping of the checkout points may serve as a heartless reminder about how mundane and meaningless everyone's lives can be. Perhaps this is only true for those who are inclined to think rather morbid thoughts. In any case, even the most optimistic of people would soon come to detest the noise if they were forced to work eight hours a day in the middle of it.

I agree with Malone ... there are too many words in the first paragraph. Of course, you can write the same number of words if you want and get away with it if it's a powerful paragraph. But here, while you're trying to set the stage, create a mood for what's to follow, and capture the reader's attention, it seems that you get bogged down in your comparison of the checkout points to the song of birds. Try to make that comparison much shorter and more powerful.

In addition, in this opening paragraph, you're using words that push the reader away. For instance ...

Where the calls of birds in the morning may be the first sign of life someone has heard for several sleepless hours, the bleeping of the checkout points may serve as a heartless reminder about how mundane and meaningless everyone's lives can be.

This is a passive sentence that essentially says "may or may not." It's not immediate. It's a possibility, a pondering. I hope this make sense to you.

After the first sentence, you start rolling. Much better. The words are crisper, the story steps forward perks up.

__________________
The Shortest Path To Organizing, Writing And Completing Your Novel

VaguelyAmusing

My first reaction... LOL

But the other people are right, the first paragraph is rather repetitive, but maybe that reflects the bleeping of the checkouts? Still, you don't want your readers to think that you yourself and your writing style are like that. I like it. Keep going please.

Aevin

Alright, the others have already talked about your first paragraph, so I'll spare you.

First of all, I have to congratulate you on the spoken dialog. What the characters are saying works well. I can hear their tone of voice and get an idea of their personalities from dialog alone. However, what takes place outside the quotation marks--the dialog tags and punctuation--were distracting.

When using a tag, ("he said," "she said," etc) the first letter after the quote shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a name.
should be
Use quotation marks (") instead of apostrophes to enclose dialog. Place a comma after the quoted dialog, then don't capitalize the tag.

I actually think the times your piece flows best is when you omit tags altogether. Since there's only two characters, the way they bounce back and forth shows us who's talking with no need of a dialog tag to tell us.

I thought this section was done very well. You omitted tags to some of the dialog, and it seemed to read more easily because of it. When you do use tags, try to make them as short and invisible as possible, while saying as much as you can with that little space. Be concise with your descriptions, so the tags don't become too long.

I'm rambling a lot about dialog, I'm afraid. But it really is an important part of writing. I'd say that for a "first" try, you've done it pretty well.

Thanks for sharing!

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Twiggy

Man, punctuation can be pretty damn confusing :P

Would these be correct? :

"Blah blah blah," said Bob
Fred replied, "Blah blah blah."
"Blah BLAH," Bob exclaimed, "Blah blah blah."
"Blah blah."

So is it okay to finish in a full stop within the quotation marks as long as theres nothing following the quotation marks? (and does it always have to be a coma if there is somethign following?)

Thanks, theres been some useful advice from you all :]

Mr Sci Fi

You should read "A&P" by John Updike. This reminded me of that story.

To answer your question, full stops in quotes are fine if there are no tags. Likewise, when it's a question you are given the benefit of a question mark, and for some strange reason, you do not need to capitalize the first word of the tag that follows it.

Example: "Why do they always go through the milk like it were a damn gold mine?" he asked.

English can be damn confusing.

__________________
"The writer you envy today will probably have reason to envy you tomorrow." - Orson Scott Card

Twiggy

Cheers I was meaning to ask about the question mark thing as well.

I just read that story by the way, It's pretty good. The whole sheep thing was sort of part of what I was meaning to put in the first paragraph, but I've decided to just leave it out for now and cut most of it.

Aevin

I think you've got it, but if you'd like more information on dialog you can find some in this guide.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Twiggy

I've updated what I've done. Messed around with and cut off a few bits in the beggining and added some more. Here it is:

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The chorus of the checkout points was getting busier. It always did. Just like the singing of birds heard at dawn it begins as a solitary call. Slowly it's comrades begin to join in until any suggestion of silence is completely wiped out. Unlike the singing of birds however, the relentless bleeping of checkouts was far from comforting.


Two figures were hunched over a desk near the entrance to the supermarket. A man and a woman, probably in their early twenties. A sign behind them read 'Customer Service'. The man, whose name was revealed to be Andrew by the tag on his shirt, glanced at the clock on the wall before returning to his slumped position on the desk. He sighed. The woman next to him, who was not wearing a tag, looked up to see someone approaching them.
“Incoming,”she muttered quietly. Both figures assumed a more professional posture and surprisingly convincing smiles replaced their blank expressions.


“Good evening madam, how can we help you?” Said Andrew in a voice as convincingly sincere as his smile. The elderly woman standing in front of them fumbled around in her handbag and pulled out a plastic bag containing something cylindrical.


“I err.. I bought a can of your 'Top value rice pudding' last week and err...” There was a clunk as she placed the can on the desk between the two employees and pulled the plastic cover off.
“And I found a rat in it.”
Identical expressions took over the employees faces. Their smiles disappeared as their mouths dropped open, and they both looked sideways to face each other. In unison, they slowly turned their heads back towards the can and leaned forward to peer over the rim. There was indeed a rat in it. Well, half a rat- the other half must have been sliced off somewhere in the factory process. After a few seconds of staring in amazement Andrew looked up at the elderly woman and tried his best to revert his expression back to the smile.




The clock showed twenty to five- fifteen minutes had passed since Andrew had checked it earlier. He held the can in his hand and was poking the contents with the end of a pen.
“Christ, you can see it's brain!” He said with a sadistic grin on his face.


“Just put it away already. Do you have any idea how important that is?” Said the tag-less woman next to him.


“Since when have you gave a crap about this job?” Said Andrew, briefly ceasing his probing of the unfortunate rodent to look her in the eye.


“Someone's gonna go through hell for this. Law suits, hygiene inspections and stuff. You're tampering with the evidence. Just stop it.”


“Fine... If it makes you happy.”
He risked one last prod with the pen and then stashed the can away under the desk. The two sat in silence for the next few minutes. The excitement of the previous situation soon began to wear off and they returned to their slumped positions.


“I'm sick of this.” Said the woman, without looking round at Andrew.


“Of what?”


“You know what.” She hissed as she tilted her head to return his gaze. “We have to spend all day putting up with self righteous angry general public armed with consumer rights. We get piss poor pay for doing it then we go home and waste away in front of the TV until we're tired enough to sleep.”


“That's never bothered you before, what's up?”


The woman sighed. “I think I just need a change. Everything is just the same every day.”


“Well why don't you come out with me and the gang tonight? You remember how fun the old days were.”


“I don't do that stuff any more Andy.” She said.


Andy noticed a tiny sliver of doubt in her voice. “C'mon,” he said, “once more isn't gonna kill you.”


“I said no.”


“I'll even pay for you!”


There was a brief pause.


“I really can't.” She said earnestly, “You know where it lead last time.”


Quarter to five. The final fifteen minutes were always the worst. Every second that passed felt like ten. Not to mention that it was around this time every day that...


“Ah,” Said a man appearing from a door behind the desk, “and how are my two favourite employees?” The pair were quite clearly not his favourite employees.


Andy donned his customer service face and spinned around on his chair. “We're doing just fine thank you, and how might you be on this lovely evening?” The entire situation reeked of façade.


“Oh I'm good,” the man replied, “I trust you haven't been insulting any more of my customers, Mr Jones?”


“With all due respect, that was about 3 months ago now.” Andy's expression hinted that he had a lot more to say about the matter.


“Indeed. And what did I say about you and your appearance?”


No hope of getting away with it now. The woman spinned round to face him, but said nothing.


“Would it hurt to brush your hair once in a while? And no name tag!”


“How many times do I have to say it, you didn't give me one!”Said the woman. This was in fact a lie, but some people aren't worth honesty.


“You understand the importance of presentability in a position such as yours?”


No reply.


“You haven't even d--”


“Look just drop it, okay?!” She snapped.


The man let out an angry sigh. “I can't accept this kind of rudeness from you. Monday morning, 9AM, my office.” With that he walked out of the door.


Frustration radiated out from the woman. A few seconds of angry silence passed then she faced Andy. “So... You said you would pay?”

Mirror

Check the grammar.

The past tense of 'spin' is 'spun' - not 'spinned'.

Here, too:

“Since when have you gave (given) a crap about this job?”


-------

“Ah,” Said a man appearing from a door behind the desk, “and how are my two favourite employees?” The pair were quite clearly not his favourite employees.
(WHY?? - simply injecting an intensifier like 'quite' won't do it - on the contrary!)

Andy donned his customer service face and spinned around on his chair. “We're doing just fine thank you, and how might you be on this lovely evening?” The entire situation reeked of façade. (Instead of saying that, you need to evoke that feeling.)

Vitalis

Ooopsss! posted twice, sorry! See the post below.

A great start, eh?!!

Kind regards
Vitalis

Vitalis

Hello, This is my first post

I am trying to get some proofreading / copy editing practice as its an area I would like to consider as a business venture in the near future.

I hope you don't mind but I have used your piece to practice on (I really enjoyed reading it ). Here is my proofread/edited version ...


The chorus of the checkout points was getting busier. It always did. Just like the singing of birds heard at dawn it begins as a solitary call. Slowly its comrades begin to join in until any suggestion of silence is completely wiped out. Unlike the singing of birds, however, the relentless bleeping of checkouts was far from comforting.

Two figures were hunched over a desk near the entrance to the supermarket, a man and a woman, probably in their early twenties. A sign behind them read 'Customer Service'. The man, whose name was revealed to be ‘Andrew’ by the tag on his shirt, glanced at the clock on the wall before returning to his slumped position on the desk. He sighed. The woman next to him, who was not wearing a tag, looked up to see someone approaching them.

“Incoming,” she muttered quietly. Both figures assumed a more professional posture and surprisingly convincing smiles replaced their blank expressions.

“Good evening madam, how can we help you?” said Andrew in a voice as convincingly sincere as his smile. The elderly woman standing in front of them fumbled around in her handbag and pulled out a plastic bag containing something cylindrical.

“I err…bought a can of your 'Top value rice pudding' last week and err...” there was a ‘clunk’ as she placed the can on the desk between the two employees and pulled the plastic cover off.
“… I found a rat in it!”


Identical expressions took over the employee’s faces. Their smiles disappeared as their mouths dropped open and they both looked sideways, to face each other. In unison they slowly turned their heads back towards the can and leaned forward to peer over the rim. There was, indeed, a rat in it. Well, half a rat anyway, the other half must have been sliced off somewhere in the factory process! After a few seconds of staring in amazement, Andrew looked up at the elderly woman and tried his best to revert his expression back to the smile.

The clock showed twenty to five - fifteen minutes had passed since Andrew had checked earlier. He held the can in his hand and was poking the contents with the end of a pen.

“Christ, you can see its brain!” he said, with a sadistic grin on his face.

“Just put it away already. Do you have any idea how important that is?” said the tag-less woman next to him.

“Since when have you given a crap about this job?” said Andrew, briefly ceasing his probing of the unfortunate rodent to look her in the eye.

“Someone's gonna go through hell for this. Law suits, hygiene inspections and…stuff. You're tampering with the evidence. Just stop it!”

“Fine... if it makes you happy.”

He risked one last prod with the pen and then stashed the can away under the desk.

The two sat in silence for the next few minutes. The excitement of the previous situation soon began to wear off and they returned to their slumped positions.


“I'm sick of this,” said the woman, without looking round at Andrew.

“Of what?”

“You know what,” she hissed as she tilted her head to return his gaze “we have to spend all day putting up with self righteous, angry members of the general public armed with ‘consumer rights’ – and get piss poor pay for doing so - then we go home and waste away in front of the TV until we're tired enough to sleep.”

“That's never bothered you before, what's up?”

The woman sighed. “I think I just need a change. Everything is just the same every day.”

“Well why don't you come out with the gang and me tonight? You remember how much fun the old days were?”

“I don't do that stuff any more, Andy,” she said.

Andy noticed a sliver of doubt in her voice. “C'mon,” he said “once more isn't gonna kill you!”

“I said NO.”


“I'll even pay for you…..”

There was a brief pause.


“I really can't,” she said earnestly “you know where it lead last time!”


Quarter to five. The final fifteen minutes were always the worst. Every second that passed felt like ten. Not to mention that it was around this time every day that...

“Ah!” said a man appearing from a door behind the desk “And how are my two favourite employees?” The pair were clearly not his favourite!

Andy donned his customer service face and spun around on his chair. “We're doing just fine thank you, and how might you be on this lovely evening?” The entire situation reeked of façade.

“Oh, I'm good.” the man replied. “I trust you haven't been insulting any more of my customers, Mr Jones?”

“With all due respect, that was over 3 months ago now.” Andy's expression hinted that he had a lot more to say about the matter.

“Indeed.” the man smirked “And you, what did I say about you and your appearance?”

No hope of getting away with it now. The woman spun round to face him, but said nothing.

“Would it hurt to brush your hair once in a while? And where’s your name tag?”

“How many times do I have to tell you? I wasn’t given one!” said the woman. This was, in fact, a lie but some people aren't worth honesty.

“You do understand the importance of presentation in a position such as yours?”

No reply.

“You haven't even d--”

“Look, just drop it, okay?” she snapped.

The man let out an angry sigh. “I won’t accept this kind of rudeness from you. Monday morning .. 9a.m .. MY OFFICE!” With that, he spun on his heel and marched back through the door, slamming it behind him!

Frustration radiated out from the woman. A few seconds of angry silence passed then she faced Andy. “So... you were saying something about paying tonight?”


Kind regards
Vitalis