kittyjan

I hope you like this and will tell me what you really think of it.

Enjoy

. . . I can’t believe you don’t know what I am talking about . . . what do you mean she’s . . .” This rip roaring conversation drifted in and out of her conscious mind as she slept and her annoyance against the person speaking mounted.


Then it abruptly stopped out side her door and she tensed in expectation. “Ariaaaa . . .” the singsongy voice sung as its sound entered into the vestiges of her mind aggravating her to the depths of her soul.
Why now. . . If only I could kill perfect child now. . argh. . . “Oh most annoying one go away from my presence!!” she lifted up her eye to the evil one invading her sleepy presence then rolled her eyes. I need to be less melodramatic or else I’ll never achieve my goal to be the perfect child for dad.


She buried her head back in the covers. “I’m getting up just gemmy ten. K’?” she mumbled through the blanket covers. The one she was talking to was her younger brother Honami who had black brown hair like her and the same emerald-green eyes except the corner of the her eyes tilted up catlike and her hair was a sleek black and shorter than shoulder length and spiky while his hair was lighter and closely crop to his head. They both looked girly so sometimes they were thought to be twin sisters.


The next thing she knew his arms were around her neck. “If you don’t get up now I’m telling dad everything about your identity at your new school.” He whispered in her ear with a smile in his voice. Suddenly unable to keep in her annoyance and sort of surprised he knew she grabbed him and threw him like he was a sack of potatoes across the room. Guess those karate lessons were paying off. She got up off the bed and walked across him to her closet leaving footprints and got her clothes. “I going to the bathroom if you dare interrupt me you’ll be dealt with in the same fashion.” She looked at her wimpy girly brother still lying on the floor. “How in the world can dad prefer you as his son instead of me; I mean I am so obviously stronger.” Sighing she helped pick him off the floor. “Get up! Don’t be such a girl. Be a man!” He looked up at her in all his cuteness with eyes full of love and respect shining through and hiding behind it all was a teasing light. Looking down at him she sighed. “Whatever. I’ll see you after school and don’t you dare do anything you know I wouldn’t want you to do. K?” With that she walked out the door.



On the Way to School


Riding bike in the morning was cold lots of times but it was a way to make her upper arms stronger therefore . . . sigh . . . she rode the bike.
I going to be late grrrr . . . How come I have to get my self to school and brother gets the royal treatment of a car ride. Father always treats him better. She sighed again. I really shouldn’t complain and just make myself stronger and show him how good I am.

Lost in her thoughts, she had stopped paying attention to where she was heading and her bike started bouncing. Looking up her heart froze as she realized she had crossed to the walking zone, and before she could think her next thought; she was flying through the air off her bike and hitting the ground she had landed surprisingly without pain.


Sitting half way up she discovered why. She had landed on the hottest boy she had ever seen in her life. His black slightly unkempt hair brushed across his face slightly hiding his smoldering blue eyes and in that moment she wished she was dressed as a girl and not in her boy’s uniform.


“Um, are you okay? Or do you need help standing up or something?” He was looking at her uncomfortably. She realized she had left her hands on his chest when she had sat up and was straddling him. She looked back up at his face, his eyes seemed to see straight through her boring into her, and temporarily she forgot everything. Her heart began pounding, and she began to blush. Then she remembered the position they were in. He probably thought she was weird sitting on top of him and staring at him not to mention it was weird for a guy to stare at you which he would think she was since she had on a boy’s uniform. She groaned mentally.


Time to explain about her uniform I think. Aria’s father never wanted a girl. He only wanted a son. So all her life she had tried being the boy he wanted. When her brother had been born it had seemed her father had gotten his wish but, unfortunately, Honami turned out looking more like a girl than boy and couldn’t stand extreme activities that made him sweat. So to try winning his favor she had started trying to look like a boy and act like one, but he still ignored her.


She decided maybe she did not know enough to be a boy so to learn more about being a boy she started studying harder to get into an all boys school, which was world known for it’s refining of the some of the best men in the world today. Today was her last meeting with the school for making final arrangements in transferring from her old school to this one. It was easier to get in than she had thought it had been and she didn’t have to worry about her dad asking questions all he cared about was making Honami a man and so only concentrated on Honami’s schooling.


Since the school preferred their students to live on campus she would be moving in a week to their dorms right next to the school. The only part that made her nervous would be if she had a roommate or not. During the meeting today she was going to tell them her preference of her own room. Author’s explanation is over.


Realizing she had been silent a little too long she stood the rest of the way up and offered her hand out him. “Sorry, I must have been stunned from crashing into you there for a moment.” Indifferently he brushed her hand aside. “Never mind forget it.” He stood up and picking up his things continued down the path.


She stared after him. “How rude he didn’t even let me thank him!” Aria mumbled to herself feeling disappointed and slightly angry with him. “He didn’t even tell me his name.” I can’t believe I got so excited over such a snotty guy.

“Oh, no. I forgot my appointment. I’m going to be late,” with that she zoomed off down the bike path to her soon to be new school.

Malone

Kind of confusing. Is this for the YA market?

"rip roaring conversation"
Please, please, cut out "rip roaring."

Jade M

Ok a few pointers. As I mentioned in my suggestions you hardly mention what the characters name is. To begin with you have her brother saying "Ariiiiaaa..." or something but to me this doesn't exactly tell the reader her name. You shoud have him actually use her name e.g "Aria, wake up!" so the reader knows. On this subject I only realized that her name was Aria halfway through, you need to use her name more often instead of just 'she' and 'her'.

You also over complicate things from time to time, i remember reading on here that sometimes 'less is more', you should try to bear that in mind.

However I like the whole idea of a girl trying to be a boy, and I think the whole proving herself idea could be quite endearing to an audience but you just need to present it better.

kittyjan

Thank you for looking at what I have written. I apologize for not noticing how confusing it was. I did type this in one night and posted it really late. I do not do my best thinking at night. So I will go over this whole section and rewrite it. Your comments have helped me so much thank you.

kittyjan

I hope this looks a little better. Please give me your honest opinion. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy.

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“. . . I can’t believe you don’t know what I am talking about . . . what do you mean she’s . . .” This conversation drifted in and out of Aria’s conscious mind as she slept and her annoyance against the person speaking mounted. The conversation was coming from the hall outside her bedroom. In the darkness beside her bed, the clock blinked the time in orange at her. It was only 7:10 in the morning! Who was that idiot talking to this early in the morning?

Then the conversation abruptly stopped outside her bedroom door and she tensed in her bed in expectation of the brat. “Ariaaaa . . .” the sing-songy voice sung and its sound entered into the vestiges of her mind aggravating her to the depths of her soul. Then person in question bounded into the room letting in the brightness of the hall and its sky light.

Her younger brother Honami, the evil one, had black brown hair like her. They had both inherited their family’s famous emerald-green eyes. The only difference was her eyes tilted up in the corners catlike. While Aria’s hair was a sleek black and cut stylishly around her ears, Honami’s hair was messier, lighter and closely crop to his head. He looked so girly though that sometimes they were thought to be twin sisters. Though they were nothing alike, she reflected.

Aria now glaring up at the evil one invading her sanctuary growled, “Oh most annoying one, go away from my presence!!” then rolled her eyes at herself. I need to be less melodramatic or else I’ll never achieve my goal to be the perfect child for Dad.

Her brother then stared at her for a moment and then clenching his eyes shut. He began yelling, “Daaaaaaaddd . . .” Throwing her arms over her head, she buried her face back in the covers. “I’m getting up! Just gimme ten, okay?” she mumbled grumpily through the white blanket covers.

Suddenly Honami, jumping onto her bed, wrapped his arms around her neck. “If you don’t get up now I’m telling Dad everything about your identity at your new school,” he whispered in her ear with a wicked smile in his voice. Suddenly unable to keep in her annoyance and sort of surprised he knew; she grabbed him and threw him like he was a sack of potatoes across the room. Guess those karate lessons were paying off.

Aria got up off the bed and walked over Honami to her closet and got her clothes. “I’m going to the bathroom. If you dare interrupt me, you’ll be dealt with in the same fashion!” She looked down at her wimpy girly brother still lying on the floor. “How in the world can Dad prefer you as his son instead of me; I mean I am so obviously stronger.” Sighing she helped pick him off the floor. “Get up! Don’t be such a girl. Be a man!” He looked up at her all girly and huffy like. He also seemed a little dazed.

That was weird usually he wasn’t that affected when she threw him around she must be stronger than she thought. “You didn’t have to throw me, you know!” Looking down at him she sighed. “Whatever. I’ll see you after school and don’t you dare do anything you know I wouldn’t want you to do. Okay?” With that she walked out the door.


New Chapter: Morning Ride to a School Appointment

Riding bike in the morning was cold lots of times but it was a way to make her upper arms stronger, therefore, sigh . . . she rode the bike.

I’m going to be late. Grrrr . . . How come I have to get my self to school and Brother gets the royal treatment of a car ride. Father always treats him better. Aria’s father had never wanted a girl. He only wanted a son. So all her life she had tried being the boy he wanted. When her brother had been born it had seemed her father had gotten his wish but, unfortunately, Honami turned out looking more like a girl than boy and couldn’t stand extreme activities that made him sweat. So, to try winning her fathers favor, she had started trying to look like a boy and to act like one, but he still ignored her. She sighed again. I really shouldn’t complain and just make myself stronger and show him how good I am.

She then had decided maybe she didn’t know enough to be a boy, so she started studying harder to get into Etica an famous all-boys school, which was world known for it’s refining of the some of the best men in the world today. Today was her last meeting with the school for making final arrangements in transferring her from her old school to this one.

It was easier to get in than she had thought it had been. Of course it helped her that her Aunt Lydia was president of the school. Actually she was surprised somewhat that her aunt went for her plan, but her Aunt had always been considered the crazy one of the family. Also, she didn’t have to worry about her dad asking questions. All he cared about was making Honami a man and so only concentrated on Honami’s schooling.

Now, since the school preferred their students to live on campus, she would be moving in a week to their dorms right next to the school. The only part that made her nervous would be if she had a roommate or not. During the meeting today she was going to tell them her preference of her own room.

Lost in her thoughts, she had stopped paying attention to where she was heading and her bike started bouncing. Looking up her heart froze as she realized she had crossed to the walking zone. Before she could think her next thought, she was flying through the air, off her bike and hitting the ground. She had landed surprisingly without pain.

Sitting half way up she discovered why. She had landed on one of the hottest boy she had ever seen in her life! His black slightly unkempt hair brushed across his face slightly, hiding his smoldering blue eyes and in that moment she wished she was dressed as a girl and not in her boy’s uniform.

“Um, are you okay? Or do you need help standing up or something?” He was looking at her uncomfortably. She realized she had left her hands on his chest when she had sat up and was straddling him. She looked back up at his face, his eyes were boring into her, seeming to see straight through her, and temporarily she forgot everything. Her heart began pounding, and she began to blush. Then she remembered the position they were in. He probably thought she was weird sitting on top of him and staring at him. Not to mention it was weird for a guy to stare at you, which he would think she was since she had on a boy’s uniform. She groaned mentally.


Realizing she had been silent a little too long she stood the rest of the way up and offered her hand out him. “Sorry about that, crashing into you and all.” She hesitantly smiled down at him. Indifferently he brushed her hand aside. “Never mind forget it.” Standing up he picked up his things continued down the path.

She stared after him. “How rude he didn’t even let me thank him!” Aria mumbled to herself feeling disappointed and slightly angry with him. “He didn’t even tell me his name.” I can’t believe I got so excited over such a snotty guy.

“Oh, no, I forgot my appointment! I’m going to be late!” Jumping onto her bike she zoomed off down the bike path to her soon to be new school.

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End for now.