Medievil Fantasy, 430 words - Writers Forum

Kai Dante · 11-13-2007, 07:42 PM

Hey guys, i am interested to know if you guys think i could continue on with something like this.

Here Goes...

_______________________

Nothingness. An empty black nothingness. No mysterious strangers, no sign of life for that matter.
“That’s weird, I swear I heard something,” Seth thought, hopping down from the immense cold stone that was situated in the lush green courtyard of King Delfian’s castle.
Seth was one of nine bodyguards that served King Delfian. He was 6’ 9”, and had short blond hair that was not styled in any particular way. His high cheekbones were complimented by his hard, pointy chin, on which the days stubble grew. An ugly scar on the left side of his face, ran from his hairline, all the way to his chin, as if the skin had simply been melted away. His deep blue eyes were streaked with crimson red, and were a typical trait of his race. But behind the softness of his eyes, lay a mass of teeming rage, waiting for the right time to burst forth with unending power.
His part human part eagle race, are known as the Sanendrones, and their complexion is all roughly the same. Broad, feathery wings sprouted from the shoulderblades of every Sanendrone, making it impossible for them to wear any clothing on the top part of their body. But, this allows Sanendrones to fly. They can fly extremely fast, fly to extreme heights, and fly for extremely long periods of time. Sanendrones also have extremely sharp vision like that of eagles, making them the perfect, ruthless archers. This race is so skilled with their bows that they can shoot moving targets whilst flying. And if ever their quivers ran dry, their large talons were more than capable of ripping heads off. Miraculously, Sanendrones do have one weakness. Fire. If they come into contact with fire, or a very hot object, their skin will melt. Instantly.
Seth sighed. He was about to jump back onto the rock he was using to survey the night, when suddenly he was attacked from behind, a pair of slender arms materialised around his neck. Seth, laughing to himself, took to the skies, not bothering to fight off the attacker.
“Shadow, if you keep this up, I’m going to have to inform your father. This is the third time you’ve slipped your guard tonight,” Seth yelled over the rushing of the wind. Shadow chuckled, her light purple hair billowing behind her.
“It’s starting to sound like you don’t want to see me,” she replied, gently tugging his hair, whilst her bright silver eyes shone mischievously.
She lay her head down on his soft, feathery shoulders, and instantly fell asleep.

* * * *

JHB · 11-13-2007, 07:48 PM

It was good, besides some comma-usage problems. Also, I had no idea what was happening nor did I see any hint to the character's surrounding enviroment. Keep going though.

Mr Sci Fi · 11-13-2007, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kai Dante

.
Seth was one of nine bodyguards that served King Delfian. He was 6’ 9”, and had short blond hair that was not styled in any particular way. His high cheekbones were complimented by his hard, pointy chin, on which the days stubble grew. An ugly scar on the left side of his face, ran from his hairline, all the way to his chin, as if the skin had simply been melted away. His deep blue eyes were streaked with crimson red, and were a typical trait of his race. But behind the softness of his eyes, lay a mass of teeming rage, waiting for the right time to burst forth with unending power.
His part human part eagle race, are known as the Sanendrones, and their complexion is all roughly the same. Broad, feathery wings sprouted from the shoulderblades of every Sanendrone, making it impossible for them to wear any clothing on the top part of their body. But, this allows Sanendrones to fly. They can fly extremely fast, fly to extreme heights, and fly for extremely long periods of time. Sanendrones also have extremely sharp vision like that of eagles, making them the perfect, ruthless archers. This race is so skilled with their bows that they can shoot moving targets whilst flying. And if ever their quivers ran dry, their large talons were more than capable of ripping heads off. Miraculously, Sanendrones do have one weakness. Fire. If they come into contact with fire, or a very hot object, their skin will melt. Instantly.

Cut all this.

RomanticRose · 11-13-2007, 10:23 PM

I have to partially agree with Mr. Sci Fi. Chop the part he quoted into tinier bits and sprinkle it through the narrative. An expository lump seldom hooks the reader.

MSWordUp · 11-13-2007, 11:01 PM

I agree with the other two posters.

That section is rather boring.

And how can hair have no style?

Amara-J · 11-14-2007, 04:22 AM

Pardon the tendency to nitpick, if you will.

Quote:

Seth was one of nine bodyguards that served King Delfian. He was 6’ 9”, and had short blond hair that was not styled in any particular way. His high cheekbones were complimented by his hard, pointy chin, on which the days stubble grew. An ugly scar on the left side of his face, ran from his hairline, all the way to his chin, as if the skin had simply been melted away. His deep blue eyes were streaked with crimson red, and were a typical trait of his race. But behind the softness of his eyes, lay a mass of teeming rage, waiting for the right time to burst forth with unending power.

Personally, I've always hated the introduction of a character's specific height, down to the very inches and centimeters. I almost always expect the next line to be "And he weighed exactly 90.5 kg, and his exact measurements were (insert chest-waist-hip details here)." It's as subtle as a brick of lead. Writing style is arguable, true; but this ends up reading like a character biography out of your D&D worksheet.

"Short blond hair that was not styled in any particular way" - I get your point, but it sounds a bit awkward. Maybe something simple like "plain blond hair" or "floppy blond hair" etc would do the trick.

Quote:

His part human part eagle race, are known as the Sanendrones, and their complexion is all roughly the same. Broad, feathery wings sprouted from the shoulderblades of every Sanendrone, making it impossible for them to wear any clothing on the top part of their body. But, this allows Sanendrones to fly. They can fly extremely fast, fly to extreme heights, and fly for extremely long periods of time. Sanendrones also have extremely sharp vision like that of eagles, making them the perfect, ruthless archers. This race is so skilled with their bows that they can shoot moving targets whilst flying. And if ever their quivers ran dry, their large talons were more than capable of ripping heads off. Miraculously, Sanendrones do have one weakness. Fire. If they come into contact with fire, or a very hot object, their skin will melt. Instantly.

This sounds like an encyclopedic entry rather than part of a smooth narrative flow. It's an abrupt shift from the paragraph before it. While present tense is correct if you want to describe continuity (past tense like "was" would imply that their race is now extinct!) - it also smacks of direct author intrusion, rather than a third-person casual observational style that most stories go for.

I suggest going for subtlety; like the others have said, chop it up and reveal little bits as you go along.

Quote:

Seth sighed. He was about to jump back onto the rock he was using to survey the night, when suddenly he was attacked from behind, a pair of slender arms materialised around his neck.

Sounds like the arms appeared out of thin air... literally.

Quote:

Seth, laughing to himself, took to the skies, not bothering to fight off the attacker. “Shadow, if you keep this up, I’m going to have to inform your father. This is the third time you’ve slipped your guard tonight,” Seth yelled over the rushing of the wind. Shadow chuckled, her light purple hair billowing behind her.

If she's still hanging on to his neck alone for support, with both arms, bearing full body weight, that's quite a strain. Unless she's astride his back. Law of physics!

~~~~~~

Overall, quite a passable piece. Has the potential to be interesting, though I always say that with a brief introduction, you can't quite tell where the story is going. People are likely to evaluate it as a sample of your writing rather than plot potential. Keep it up.

~Amara-J

Kai Dante · 11-18-2007, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amara-j

While present tense is correct if you want to describe continuity (past tense like "was" would imply that their race is now extinct!) - it also smacks of direct author intrusion, rather than a third-person casual observational style that most stories go for.

thanks for pointing that out.
see, something that i haven't explained yet, which i was going to explain later in the story, was that the race of sanendrones, all bar this one, was wiped out by the baddy in the story. this leades to anger from the main character, when he finds out who killed his family. so i will change it to past tense.
thanks