The Duke

Application time is almost up. Not the best thing I've ever written, and it still needs a conclusion, but i'd like to make it as perfect as possible.

Feel free to peruse this if you like, there is, however, another more up-to-date essay on the next page.

It’s almost pathetic. As I sit here writing this I am almost wishing I’d experienced some sort of catastrophe in my life. Something that would strike you; the quintessential tear jerker. After all, those do seem to be the defining moments of our lives. When your friends reflect on who you were, they don’t remember the twenty dollars you lent them for lunch, they remember the hundred thousand you donated to charity.

Now I wouldn’t say my life has been entirely eventless, I just haven’t had to deal with any mountains. Truly, that is the case for most. The difference being they’re happy to make a mountain of molehill if it will help them into college. With this in mind, I chose the less traveled path. I will tell you of those that have shaped me into the man I am today: my parents, my model, and my heroes.

It’s best to start with the beginning, to do otherwise would create senseless confusion. But where is the beginning? Who sets us upon the path of our lives? Our parents. I like to think mine are better than most, though this likely is a byproduct of paternal affection. At the very least, their method was unusual. They thought it best that I make mistakes and learn rather than avoid them entirely. To many, this would seem a needlessly harsh practice. Perhaps it was harsh, but needless? Never. For you can’t teach wisdom just as you can’t entrust your child good judgment. Those lessons are gifts from life, not your parents. They can only ensure that earn them in a safe environment.

You can only model your parents so far, unless of course you strive to become them. That, however, appears to be every child’s nightmare. I would be lucky to lead a life as luxurious and downright perfect as that of my parents’, and yet, I doubt I could enjoy it if I saw only their faces in the mirror. I needed to be my own person, unique, or if nothing else, not my parents.

No one simply “becomes.” It’s impossible to change alone. You need a model. Someone in whose footsteps you can follow. I chose a man with some awfully big feet: my older brother. He was - and still is - the quintessential golden boy. Whenever he set a goal, he met it. Everyone who knows him loves him. And yet, he had his flaws. He was introverted and possessed something of an inferiority complex, and I wanted neither. I tried to imitate a part of him while attempting to exorcise another, and ultimately I wasn’t sure if I’d gotten any of it right. Nevertheless, I was nearly happy with who I was.

Nearly is a poor substitute for completely, and in a matter so serious as this, it wasn’t one I could make. I was incomplete; I needed virtues. And where could I find them? In a hero. Now I wouldn’t say the modern hero is dead, just that he’s managed to hide himself quite well. So well, in fact, that I couldn’t find him. Perhaps it’s modesty, perhaps he’s just bashful, either way I had to look elsewhere for a hero. I turned to literature. Dumas’ Dantes, Dante’s Virgil, their only flaw was their fictional nature, and that was easy to overlook. Nobility, righteousness, I hungered for the chance to display my own. The chance has yet to come. And yet I know with an inexplicable certainty, that when it does, I’ll be ready.

Frabes

I like your approach in the intro, but this seems a little off to me. I know you probably have a word limit, and it's hard to say what you want to within the parameters you're given.

I think you're just trying too hard--not at all uncommon with these things. You're telling them what they want to hear, but you're trying to do it in a way that you think makes it seem like you're not. I'm sorry that's so convoluted, I can't think of another way to explain the vibe I got.

Nice job of sneaking in some knowledge with the reference to Dumas and Dante (Who will heretofore be referred to as double-D), but the context seems a little manufactured, whether it was or not.

I'd lose that, it makes you sound naive.

I think the best thing you can do with these is be yourself. Don't exaggerate, and don't over-do it. Write in your own voice. It takes courage to do that, but that alone will make it stand out from all the other cookie-cutter essays.

You're probably not going to get a lot of replies to this, since it scares the shit of some people to critique something so important. But whatever replies you do get (including mine), it's important to take them with a grain of salt. In the end, it's your essay and your future.

Hope that helps.

__________________
A Kind of Truth

Frabes

By the way, what school are you applying to, if you don't mind my asking?

__________________
A Kind of Truth

Amara-J

Early Decision applicant? November 15 deadline?

If you can, I'd recommend handing your essay to an older person who isn't in your immediate circle of friends / family (i.e who doesn't know you so well), and ask him / her to look through it. All the better if the person is in the writing / publishing / editing business. When I sent in my application, it so happened that one of my friends was a professional editor IRL. She didn't correct it entirely (that's cheating) but she did help to point out flaws that I'd overlooked and let me revise it on my own.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Personal comments:

1) Singular choice of topic.

While this might not be your cup of tea, I feel that you might benefit from narrowing down what you'd like to talk about. Pick a theme, stick with it. I feel that trying to tackle "my parents AND my model AND my heroes" all at one go might be too much. How about just one of those three? Your essay word count is 588; as I remember, most colleges ask for a 400-500-600 word limit.

Breaking it down, about 100 words to write per "sub-topic" doesn't give you much. There's little room to write about details. Without them, you run the risk of sounding vague, or generalizing.

2) Logic, reasoning, maturity.

Common sense. Try to avoid making blanket assumptions which might make your reader raise an eyebrow (which shows a myopic point of view on your behalf). I'll explain later.

3) Writing about what you think they want to hear.

Watch for this one. As Frabes explained it.

~~~~~

My review below.

I've highlighted the parts which I think need reworking.

~~~~~

It’s almost pathetic. As I sit here writing this I am almost wishing I’d experienced some sort of catastrophe in my life. Something that would strike you; the quintessential tear jerker. After all, those do seem to be the defining moments of our lives. When your friends reflect on who you were, they don’t remember the twenty dollars you lent them for lunch, they remember the hundred thousand you donated to charity.

(Personal nitpick: No, not really. Some people are remembered for the little things they did for others, not just the big things. Often, the little things are the stuff that show one's thoughtfulness, and makes the person memorable. If you've attended a funeral and heard eulogies and tributes, friends and family of the deceased will often remember a specific account, perhaps a very small gesture, but one that stuck in their minds for years. Like even the twenty dollars for lunch.

Your POV on this is neat, quirky; but also arguable.)

Now I wouldn’t say my life has been entirely eventless, I just haven’t had to deal with any mountains. Truly, that is the case for most. The difference being they’re happy to make a mountain of molehill if it will help them into college. With this in mind, I chose the less traveled path. I will tell you of those that have shaped me into the man I am today: my parents, my model, and my heroes.

(Actually I don't think that is the less traveled path; but whatever floats your boat. On the other hand, some people choose personal experiences because to narrate the latter lets their personalities, talents, interests unfold. One can also be candid about fears and hopes and dreams, which lets the person come alive to the reader - or the essay reviewer - and makes them not just another number, but a person.)

It’s best to start with the beginning, to do otherwise would create senseless confusion. But where is the beginning? Who sets us upon the path of our lives? Our parents. I like to think mine are better than most, though this likely is a byproduct of paternal affection.

(Somewhat invalidates your point.)

At the very least, their method was unusual. They thought it best that I make mistakes and learn rather than avoid them entirely. To many, this would seem a needlessly harsh practice. Perhaps it was harsh, but needless? Never. For you can’t teach wisdom just as you can’t entrust your child good judgment. Those lessons are gifts from life, not your parents. They can only ensure that earn them in a safe environment.

(This actually sounds good. You might want to give specific examples of such an upbringing - the kinds of 'mistakes' and what you learned from them. Again, I think that if you want to explain this further, you'll need more words, more paragraphs - see suggestion about focusing on only one out of three subtopics.)

You can only model your parents so far, unless of course you strive to become them. That, however, appears to be every child’s nightmare. I would be lucky to lead a life as luxurious and downright perfect as that of my parents’, and yet, I doubt I could enjoy it if I saw only their faces in the mirror. I needed to be my own person, unique, or if nothing else, not my parents.

(Take this out. Will likely come off as a myopic point of view on life, and also implies that you've had it way too easy. *chuckles*)

No one simply “becomes.” It’s impossible to change alone. You need a model. Someone in whose footsteps you can follow. I chose a man with some awfully big feet: my older brother.

(Colloquialism, slang. How about taking out "some"? Just a suggestion.)

He was - and still is - the quintessential golden boy. Whenever he set a goal, he met it. Everyone who knows him loves him. And yet, he had his flaws. He was introverted and possessed something of an inferiority complex, and I wanted neither. I tried to imitate a part of him while attempting to exorcise another, and ultimately I wasn’t sure if I’d gotten any of it right. Nevertheless, I was nearly happy with who I was.

(Am neutral on this. Might be able to pull it off, but I'm not sure.)

Nearly is a poor substitute for completely, and in a matter so serious as this, it wasn’t one I could make. I was incomplete; I needed virtues. And where could I find them? In a hero. Now I wouldn’t say the modern hero is dead, just that he’s managed to hide himself quite well. So well, in fact, that I couldn’t find him. Perhaps it’s modesty, perhaps he’s just bashful, either way I had to look elsewhere for a hero. I turned to literature. Dumas’ Dantes, Dante’s Virgil, their only flaw was their fictional nature, and that was easy to overlook. Nobility, righteousness, I hungered for the chance to display my own. The chance has yet to come. And yet I know with an inexplicable certainty, that when it does, I’ll be ready.

(I hope your reviewer has read Dante! Nevertheless, it's a good example... again, I think it might benefit from some exposition.)

~~~~~

That's about it.

First things first: I'd take Frabes' advice to heart, and I think this essay needs some reworking.

Secondly: Assuming you're rushing for the Nov. 15 deadline, and I *know* application essays are probably the biggest pain in the process, that leaves you with very little time to revise (if you want to revise, at all). If you're not rushing, that's a relief.

Again, this is one woman's opinion, and if you disagree in any way, it's still your essay and your choice. Sorry if I've come across as very harsh.

~~~~~

Excerpts from "Playing The Private College Admission Game", 1986 Edition by Richard Moll - On Application Essays

There are no specific rules on writing the application essay. But there are a few general guidelines to be seriously considered...

The length of the essay should concur with what has been requested (during the late winter "reading period" admissions officers have thousands of pieces of paper to pursue and simply can't - and won't - read beyond a reasonable length). The essay should say something that the rest of the application doesn't say, or at least should elaborate on something another segment of the application barely suggests: a talent, an interest, thoughts on a world or local problem, a personal accomplishment.

The subtleties of a candidate can be captured nicely in the essay. One of the best essays I remember was by a young man who wrote "On Always Placing Last in Cross-Country". With articulate humor, he convinced the Admissions Committee, through tales of arduous running, that he could survive the toughest required academic course and could be counted on to "travel the extra mile"...

~~~~

And finally...

I won't say your essay is completely bad - I like the part about your parents and unconventional upbringing, and Dante as a reference. But I do think that *if* you have the time, try to rework it. Try to have a stronger personal touch. I have a sneaky feeling that others might choose to write about their parents, or personal growth as well; not such an 'unbeaten path' as you might think.

*digs up her old, dusty application essay* When I sent mine in, it was called 'The Would-Be Creative Writer'. The whole story was about me and my friends, who in our youth were fired up by the thought of becoming 'popular, successful novelists'. In trying to chase that dream - at thirteen years old, no less - we happily set about writing in the style of our idols. Some of us penned tacky Star Wars sci-fi rip-offs, some of us wrote bad fanfiction (although the word hadn't existed yet!), and I talked about how I wanted to emulate Tolkien so badly that my first 'fantasy novel' had sentences averaging 70 words each. Over time, I explained, I developed a more realistic view of writing, and grew to admire the 'idols' we saluted for their perseverance and style - something which I personally felt I had yet to achieve, but was happy in knowing that I was, at that point in time, closer to. I declared myself "a person who dares to dream while falling short, yet still clings to that goal."

When writing, don't be afraid to show some vulnerable moments. You can be realistic. You might want to narrate some failures, some hard lessons in life, but those that made you walk away with more determination and zest.

Hope this long, long post helps, and good luck with the essay!

Amara-J

__________________
Any moron can
write haiku. Just stop at the
seventeenth syllab

~ Reader's Digest, Nov. 2002 Joke

duston

What I don't like about it is that you can't tell what subject you want to study. I don't know what it's like in America, but in England the college essay we send is very formal. You have to show why you want to study at university, which you don't seem to have done very much.

It's also much too short for what you're trying to do. The first two paragraphs say nothing, and like Frabes said, there isn't enough space for what you say later. I might be totally wrong, (like I said, in England we are told by admissions teachers they hate it when people try to be funny to get noticed) but you might want to actually show them your passion and love of your subject. The majority of my personal statement was talking about what philosophy and literature mean to me.

Amara-J

In US, most of the universities recommend using the online Common Application form - a one-shot-fits-all service that many unis subscribe to, which enables the applicant to send (generally) the same biography, data, and essay to several schools at one go.

If I'm not mistaken, the Common Application has a personal statement section, and a separate essay to write. Personal statement is a more formalized version that reads like an introductory autobiography, I think.

I believe that US universities, in evaluating the essay part, look for an individual's expression of self, and demonstration of intelligence, maturity and creativity - or lack thereof! It's the missing link that helps admission officers to see what kind of person the student really is - apart from standardized test scores and teacher recommendations that might give him / her the sheen of flawlessness.

As a result, the essay can be quite informal, and the topic's purely up to the applicant. Which is why you'll get topics like cross-country races / experiences in biology class / would-be creative writers / seasons of the year / etc. My older cousin wrote an essay on her shoes, and how she 'went places' in them - an allusion to a bigger picture on seeing the world, and living up the experience.

And whoops - after reading your post, Duston, I do hope that The Duke is applying to a US university and not elsewhere. Otherwise, my analysis is total rubbish.

Amara-J

__________________
Any moron can
write haiku. Just stop at the
seventeenth syllab

~ Reader's Digest, Nov. 2002 Joke

duston

I'm pretty sure he's applying to an American one.
I didn't realise it was allowed to be so liberal, since the British one is pretty restrictive.

MSWordUp

I think the problem here is that you're trying to be creative and funny but it comes off as trying too hard. For example, the other poster's sister's letter about the shoes: That's creative and engaging.

I'm sorry but this is rather stale. Depending on who reads it and what department you are looking to get into would depend on whether this would work or not. But honestly, it doesn't seem you say a whole lot.

Again, like others have said, it is your essay and your future. I would suggest going to an actual campus and talking to one of the counselors. It is allowed even if you're not a student.

The Duke

I really appreciate all the help, and you know, you guys were right. It is much to broad, and perhaps more strangely considering my writing style, lacking personality. I've decided to limit myself to my parents and shift towards a more anecdotal focus.

What've changed so far:

I like to think mine are better than most, though this likely is a byproduct of paternal affection. At the very least, their method was unusual. They thought it best that I make mistakes and learn rather than avoid them entirely. I can remember clearly the day I overestimated my balance and the stability of my tricycle. I had a missing tooth to remind me of that stupidity for quite some time.

Perhaps this seems a needlessly harsh practice. It was harsh, there is no denying that, but needless? Never. For you can’t teach wisdom and there are no instructions on judgment. Those lessons are gifts from life, not your parents. They can only ensure that earn them in a safe environment.

Frabes

Small thing, but I'd lose the "For" at the beginning of this sentence. It makes the tone feel like that of a fairy-tale, and it's just one more word that could be used somewhere else in such a short essay.

__________________
A Kind of Truth

duston

It still needs to be a bit more concise. Not only to save you space, but also because a university will really appreciate your ability to be succinct.

Foxee

Duke, I'm going to be honest. It reads like you really didn't enjoy writing it and haven't edited it much yet, either.

This essay is a terrified piece of writing wearing an over starched shirt.
This could be engaging, instead it feels detached. Don't be afraid to show you.

Don't write like me. But here's how I might rewrite it (on the fly without refining it like I would later):

"I remember the day that I found out that unstable tricycles combined with a certainty of one's own immortality tend to send one directly into the garbage cans (or whatever). Aside from the glorious noise I boasted a gap in my smile for some time after that experiment."

Ah, I think that's part of my problem with this piece...it's very negative. You've kicked off the piece with the word 'pathetic' which is not a good move in my opinion.

G2G for now...try to make it back later if I have more.

__________________
If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.

MSWordUp

These little antecdotes are nice but honestly.. and I'm not trying to be rude.. what does college care about your parents or the time you lost your tooth. It's just kind of all over the place.

I feel they want to hear about what makes you an ideal candidate, what makes you different. Experience. Awards. Special talents. It almost feels as if you don't feel you have anything noteworthy to say so you've decided to write about some fond memories that have little to do with acceptance to a university.

Again, I'm not trying to be a dick but that's just how I feel. I'm not a college appilcant reviewer or anything but it's my honest opinion.

If you want the best advice anyone will give you regarding this whole process here it is: Go to a local university. Walk into the counselor's office. Say "Hello, my name is ____. I'm trying to gain acceptance to _____ college and I am a little unsure of how to present my letter and would like to know more about the entire process. Here is what I have written so far."

They will be more than happy to help.

Amara-J

The Duke, something else as well:

College Discussion

Have you signed up to this website, the College Confidential forums? This is another place where you can get online critique for your essays and answers to other college questions. There are thousands - not just hundreds - of other applicants, and their parents who are members of that site: one big pool of persons who are helpful and experienced.

To start off, there's a College Essays section, where all such discussions go. Because of forum policy, you can't post your essay but have to PM it to others for evaluation, which may be a hassle. But even if you find the site a bit useless for critique, there are also discussions on what makes a good college essay idea and what doesn't, tips for writer's block, etc.

Hope that helps.

~Amara-J

__________________
Any moron can
write haiku. Just stop at the
seventeenth syllab

~ Reader's Digest, Nov. 2002 Joke

The Duke

It's funny, i glanced at that site and it is a mess! I appreciate the suggestion, but I would rather fly solo then muck about that place.

Anywho, after countless minutes attempting to salvage that essay, I've determined it's no longer worth my time. I'll put something new up in a couple hours. Something I actually like. Something which was much harder for me to write about.