College Essay - Page 2 - Writers Forum

The Duke · 11-14-2007, 08:08 PM

Completely new essay. I'm going to bold what I plan to change but i won't give you all any "inside information" as those reading this wouldn't have any either.

Quote:

My entire life, I had always been able to count on him. My brother, a year older than me and much more level headed, complimented me perfectly. I was rash and impulsive; He managed to keep me out of trouble. My brother had difficulty making friends; I was the ultimate extrovert. For fourteen years we were inseparable. We had the same friends, the same hobbies, almost the same life.

But life, as it so often does, changed. The indestructible nature under which I thought friendship operated turned out to be a figment of my imagination. Those whom Nick and I considered friends discarded us like a broken toy at the first sign of our difference from them.
I was fine. Without the least bit of resentment I moved on; my brother became the unwitting victim of my friends punishment. Somehow I attributed their betrayal to his presence. With this firmly planted within my mind, I hid my brother from my new friends. When my brother needed me most I pushed him away.

It is a testament to his incredible strength that he carried on for an entire year. He rarely left the prison which was once his home. The only matter that drove him out was his education, but our school was just another prison for him to occupy. And I watched this all, oblivious to the pain which would soon erupt from him.

Eventually it was too great a burden for him to bear. We all knew how serious matters had become when we found him curled, nearly comatose on his bedroom floor. This would become an all to common occurrence in the future.

At first, my parents tried to hide it from me. They felt that I would only exacerbate the problem. They got him “help.” A psychiatrist who offered him a different prescription every week. As I saw it, he only made matters worse.

As matters became worse I felt more and more responsible, until I began to suspect his breakdown was entirely my fault. It tore me to pieces. I couldn’t sleep at night for fear that he’d hurt himself. I’d lie awake in bed until I was certain sleep had overtaken him only then allowing my own troubled eyes to close.
Time passed and life continued. I racked my brains, searching for the miracle cure which would bring my brother back. The idea that there was no such thing never occurred to me. I wanted instantaneous results. I wanted and I wanted and I was selfish and I was egotistical. This was my brothers fight, but in my head, I had made it about me. About my abilities as a healer, my abilities as a brother.

The healing process is a slow one, and although I had been blind to it my brother had been recovering all along. It never dawned on me that his smiles, his laughter, that they were returning. How could they without some new effort on my part? I hadn’t done anything new, my parents, they hadn’t done anything knew, the psychiatrist hadn’t proscribed him some new drug, so why would he be getting better?

They say time will heal wounds, but what do they know? Love, Hope, Belief: They are the healers. Time is mere bystander. My brother healed because of his families unwavering love. No single man could have changed him. It wasn’t till my brother was all but better that I understood this. Perhaps, though, it was because he wall all but better. Some of life’s lessons require that you live them before you understand them.

If nothing else was gained from this ordeal, it was growth. I matured from selfish child into understand man. Or if we’re forgetting that, at least I got my brother back.

PS: Thank you all for your help. Your advise in conjunction with a conversation with this aforementioned brother led me to change my essay approach drastically. I think it'll have made all the difference.

Frabes: Sorry i forgot to get to you: Michigan (ann arbor) Wisconsin (Madison) Holy Cross Boston College Dennison and Syracuse. Comma's are for punks.

Frabes · 11-14-2007, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Michigan (ann arbor) Wisconsin (Madison) Holy Cross Boston College Dennison and Syracuse

Michigan? Wisconsin? BC? HC? Syracuse?

The good guys go to Ohio schools, don't you know that? Haha.

I applied to Denison. Was my first choice, actually. Couldn't pay for it, though, so ended up at OU. Not a bad thing, I love it here.

I liked your new essay, felt much more genuine. Good luck.

Malone · 11-14-2007, 10:27 PM

When I was applying for schools, these kind of criticisms cost like 200 bucks. What happened to that? I paid some Harvard guy to write mine. You're getting it all for free. Bastard.