Interview with a thieving orator. - Writers Forum

yardofillmanor · 11-12-2007, 08:09 PM

Cold Shower Press
18 Frost Road RR2
Belelville, ON K8N 2Z2
11.12.07

about 550 words

Interview with a thieving orator.
by yardofillmanor

The pilferage of pocket sized goods is a deadly sin, it’s also used as an act of desperation in order to survive, and sometimes it stirs great temptation—exceeding that degree of a deprived sexual miscreant—in those who are perfectly capable of purchasing things to begin with. For others, it’s nothing more than an adrenalin rush.

“Successful thieveries are conducted mainly surreptitiously and undermining of authoritative power,” says our common thief, requesting anonymity.

“If thievery is a deadly sin,” he says, “then it’s recognized by bible-goers as a system of primordial weaponry that killed off Christ—in reference to no particular passage… not to mention legend has it that Christ died for our sins, our scheming and bottomless lust for the property of others.”
Stealing is a multi-faceted term that seems to be shifting the torch from, say, Vancouver alley filth ransacking the suburbs, to the Enron highbrows and political agendas of the new corporate age. But anything below $5000 is considered recreational theft.

Our middle-aged source sips chilled rum from a heavy glass tumbler, looking polluted with the writhing pulp of a mutilated lime wedge. While stabbing at the thing with a martini spear, he starts off claiming to be one of society’s last genuine orator’s, all to the help of stolen audio books and historical novellas encompassing public speaking and eloquent literature, respectively, and continues on by recalling several of his low-gauge heists, saying that petty theft should always be carried out while maxed out on a stimulus.

“Premeditated preparation for thievery is certain to bring about failure because you appear nettlesome as soon as you walk into the place,” he said, hunched over and looking quite vindictive on a barstool. With great animation in his brow, the man continues on stating that after a dozen years experience and employment with several gigantic liquidation warehouses, “employers who don’t perform regular inventory counts are susceptible to loss in the thousands each month, they’re practically asking for it—that’s the only effective form for counteraction, but it never happens because it costs a great deal of money and man power.”

He refused to share with Cold Shower Press the full-proof methods for smuggling goods in and out from within a property, after much cadge on our part, but he mentioned that it can take up to several days to properly design a route for massive theft amidst necessitous variables, such as the shape of the item to be stolen and the common habits of co-workers—both pertinent to the success of expensive theft and must be accounted for.
“I’ll even alter my wardrobe in order to accommodate a bulky set of headphones or a DVD player,” says the man, now ignorantly swirling around a weighty glass, full of ice cubes, high up in the air, suggesting another Hollywood refill on the tab of Cold Shower. “I’m not doing this to get by, I hope you realize. I’m doing this because I’m good at it.”

When asked of what bigger things lie ahead for our didactic source, he refrained from going into detail but mentioned that unless he were to come across a preponderant score that resulted in either eventual wealth—like stealing a large shipment of goods that he could later sell off as “hot” product—or a deep pocketed financial reserve—such as hijacking an armored truck—he would quit stealing for good by the end of the year, sell off his acquisitions and live out his childhood dream of moving to Europe. “You can’t do that with a criminal record!” he added.

JHB · 11-12-2007, 08:21 PM

It might work well as the intro to a novel or short story, but as a stand-alone, it seems a little bland. Don't get me wrong, it's well written, but I never really saw it leading anywhere.

Again, don't get me wrong, I liked this.

snorrie · 11-12-2007, 09:50 PM

double post

snorrie · 11-12-2007, 09:51 PM

Sorry, I find your writing wordy and stiff. What you think sounds writerly actually indicates a lack of experience. Cut up the sentences. And when you write long sentences with scrambled sytax, it confuses the reader and drags down the prose. But that's what we're here for, to learn from out mistakes. Keep experimenting, refining your craft. Good luck.

Nuclear Winter · 11-12-2007, 09:58 PM

Triple post, I win...

Nuclear Winter · 11-12-2007, 09:58 PM

I really liked it, personally I felt the whole "Washed up ol' Bulldog" thing.

Nuclear Winter · 11-12-2007, 09:59 PM

But yes, I agree with Snorrie, and just for my two cents, I was kind of lost in some of the words. While they are large and confusing, the ones I understood helped greatly with my whole grasp of the topic. Keep up your writing. I like it.

MSWordUp · 11-13-2007, 12:21 PM

Reads like you took a two step process:

1. Wrote it.
2. Added a bunch of big adjectives from the dictionary.

I agree with Snorrie.

And I think Bible is always capped.