BlueLucario

Fallen Angel. Chapter one. In search of Identity.

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"My eyes opened and I realized I was resting on a soft bed. I was covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirpedrhythmically, and the sunlight reflectedfrom the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my eyes. I squinted as I looked upon it, but it really didn't helprelieve the pain at all. The pain felt as if I was looking directly at a flashlight. I could easily tell the time of day was morning. I sat up on the bed and looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the blanket that I hadjust pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here, but I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.
I got out of bed and there was a somewhat loud clanking sound coming from the polished wooden floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with small silver chains. I bent over and picked up the locket. It was two and a half inches long, and it gleamed and shimmered like precious diamonds in the sunlight behind me. I turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small clasp. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a purple dress robe. Next to her on the right was a little girl, wearing similar clothing except she wore pink instead of purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed so cute, she also seemed very familiar. There was a mirror adjacent to the door in front of me. I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I realized that I had black hair just like the two people in the photo, wearing a white T-Shirt and white shorts, I also saw in the mirror that I had no shoes on. Then I looked at the little girl in the picture again. That little girl’s face and hair are somewhat similar to mine. On the left side of the locket I saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corner of the heart locket was a name that was printed “Fallen angel” and in the middle there was date carved into the locket saying

20 December 1995

The date on the locket caught my attention. I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why is it so significant? I also wondered who the young woman is in the photo, and if the little girl next to her is really me. The door in front of me knocked unexpectedly. I just watched and glared at it, then seconds later the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectanglular glasses were completely crooked, it looks as if it was about to fall off her face. Her face was completely dirty, and her crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat squeaky voice.

“Hello, you’re awake”

I continued to glare at her, and remind silent.

“What’s your name?” said the woman, smiling lightly “My name is Solana Frostly.”

Unfortunately I didn’t have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to stare at her.

“Um, you don’t talk much do you?” said Solana, timidly. “My daughter Aiyana found you in the forest out cold so we took you in our home and we kept you warm and placed you in her room. Um….. Are you feeling okay?”

I nodded lightly, and whispered.

“Yes”

“I’m glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way”

“T-Tw-Twelve” I answered a little unsure of myself.

“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana, “Aiyana is just about you age- Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I’m not sure if there is any breakfast left, I didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”

Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor, where I was sitting, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.

“Hey, over here! We saved you some breakfast”

I turned to where the voice is coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a white ceramic plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. I gagged at the odor of burnt food. The sink next to me were piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. I sat at the table where the girl sat. I glared at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and smiled.

“Oh hello,” She said quickly, “Don’t mind my Mom, she’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s stressed out. It’s very typical for adults.Other than that she’s a great cook. Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aiyana.”

Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.

I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.
“What’s your name” She asked.

My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. All I could do now is give Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana frowned.

“I tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, “but she wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it’s time we call her parents. And turn on the computer on your way back here, and look up something on missing children”

Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,

“Please eat some pancakes, they’re really tasty. I don’t want you to go hungry. I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”

Solana handed me a silver metal fork, with four prongs and the flower design carved on the brown wooden handle. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down and stared at it.

“Hmm,” said Solana. “It seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and eat it.

I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn’t always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I found Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I want to do is offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork that was previously placed on the table, Cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. My bottom jaw made contact with my upper one, while moving in a clockwise position. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.

In each chapter there will be a new reply. So i need your opinion on this story.

Malone

Not much to comment on story wise, yet. I think you need to work a little more on finding your prose voice. This just seems a bit too formal. I also feel like you're over-explaining some things that don't need to be. You get into a little too much detail talking about the locket and the way she grinds her teeth. Here's an example that jumped out at me:
I grabbed the fork that was previously placed on the table," Just say, "I grabbed the fork."
You might also want to have them mention more about having to figure out her name when they keep saying they'll call her parents. You mention once that they'll have to look up missing children, but I'd elaborate more. And the mother keeps insisting on breakfast, then says there might not be any left. That didn't read right to me. She also says, "Um," at one point, which didn't seem to fit her character.

BlueLucario

So I over did it didnt I. Whoops, I thought Jk Rowling wrote like this. I was gunna mention her name shortly after, possible at the end of chapter one. Can you elaborate a little bit more?

Malone

Well...J.K. Rowling isn't exactly a...talented writer. More along the lines of a story teller, which obviously holds its own values (hundreds of millions). If this is geared towards a younger audience, then fix the grammar and...looking back over it nothing jumps out to criticize. I don't read fantasy stuff, so I can't really distinguish adult from juvenille in that genre. Sorry if I came down too hard. I still think you can trim it up, though. Examples? The fork one I mentioned above, and at one point you say she reached her right hand towards you. You can just say hand.
Keep writing! I'll keep reading it.

BlueLucario

No, you're fine. I just didnt realize I overdid it in the details department.

RomanticRose

Just a few little things. The basic idea of the story is pretty good. All you really need to learn is to keep the focus on the story.

Break up that first paragraph. Right now, it's a large wall of text that could be somewhat off-putting. Your hook gets buried in it. Every time you change topics, start a new paragraph. Descriptions are good, but break them up into smaller bits, drop them into narrative, rather than having them in one big lump at the beginning. You might think of leading with the not remembering anything, and moving into the description from there. Start with the character, then place her in the setting. Make the reader wonder who this amnesiac female is.

Read it through aloud, paying particular attention to redundancies and unnecessary words.

{Example: You wrote, "I sat up on the bed and looked around the bedroom, . . . " You have already established she is in a room and in a bed. So, all you really need to say is, "I sat up and looked around . . . "

Example #2: You wrote, "I wondered how I got here, but I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all." In this sentence, "that occurred before this present point" is redundant -- it fills up space and nothing more. Remember, anything that doesn't add to the piece, detracts from the piece.

"Precious diamonds" was another redundancy that jumped out at me.}

"The door in front of me knocked unexpectedly." Reading aloud can catch things like this. This is what I call a "Huh? sentence." It pulls the reader out of the story. "I jumped when someone knocked on the door." keeps the narrative the focus, rather than the syntax.

Also read for back-to- back words. In one paragraph, you used "completely" twice, in as many sentences. Do that too often, and the piece will take on a sing-songy feel, and make the reader focus on a rhythm instead of the story.

I hope I haven't been too nitpicky. Just my tuppence, after all.
Rose

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BlueLucario

Like the first guy, your fine, I dont expect critiques to be all fluffy and light. I just wanted to describe the scene.

RomanticRose

There's nothing wrong with description. It's a question of balance. When describing a setting or object, the level of detail should be commensurate with the importance to the overall story arc.

If you are describing a setting, how much of the story will take place there? If it were a movie, how much screentime would take place there?

If you are describing an object, how central is the object to the plot?

Just my tuppence. Happy writing.
Rose

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Malone

Rose is giving you amazing tips. Heed them wisely.

BlueLucario

Will do. Any other tips?

RomanticRose

You did ask. (Any of my friends would be groaning right now and screaming, "Dear god, don't get her started.")

1. She seems awfully composed and calm for an adolescent female who has no freaking idea who, where or why she is. I don't know many adults who would be that unruffled in those circumstances.

2. She is your main character, presumably we are supposed to be sympathetic toward her and to root for her. Let us inside her head a bit more. You're in first person, but still pretty detached. Give us some thought quotes, or let her whisper to herself. Make her a little more real.

3. It's a repeat, but it is worth repeating. Read it out loud. Even better, have someone you trust to read it out loud to you. If it sounds awkward or wrong when read out loud, it will probalby sound wrong to the reader.

You're getting words on paper, that's the main thing. Once its on paper, it can be worked with, played with and tweaked and polished.

Rose

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BlueLucario

Woah, the character is exactly what I wanted her to be, thanks for pointing that out.

I don't know what's wrong with you rose, I think your the most helpful person I know.

I wrote the story and realized that the character is calm and composed, and I didnt realize I made her that way.

BlueLucario

Is there anything else that I need to improve on?

"My eyes opened and I realized I was resting on a soft bed. I was covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirpedrhythmically, and the sunlight reflectedfrom the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my eyes. I squinted as I looked upon it, but it really didn't helprelieve the pain at all. The pain felt as if I was looking directly at a flashlight. I could easily tell the time of day was morning. I sat up looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the blanket that I hadjust pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here. I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.

I got out of bed and there was a sound coming from the polished wooden floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with thin silver chains. I bent over and picked up the locket. It was the size of my thumb, and it shined like precious diamonds in the sunlight behind me. I turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small clasp. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a purple dress robe. Next to her on the right was a little girl, wearing similar clothing except she wore pink instead of purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed so cute, she also seemed very familiar. There was a mirror next to the door in between the drawer and the bookshelves. I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I realized that I had black hair just like the two people in the photo, wearing a white T-Shirt and white shorts. I also saw in the mirror that I had no shoes on. Then I looked at the little girl in the picture again. That little girl’s face and hair are somewhat similar to mine. On the left side of the locket I saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corner of the heart locket were two letters engraved “L.R” printed on small letters and in the middle of the heart, there was date carved into the locket that said:

20 December 1995

The date on the locket caught my attention. I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why was it so significant? I also wondered who the young woman is in the photo, and if I was the little girl in the photo. There was a knock on the door, and I almost jumped when I heard it. I watched the door, and remained alert, until seconds later, the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectangular glasses were completely crooked, it looks as if it was about to fall off her face. Her face was completely dirty, and her crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat timid voice.

“Hello, you’re awake”

I continued to stare at her, and said nothing.

“What’s your name?” said the woman, smiling lightly “My name is Solana Frosty.”

Unfortunately I didn’t have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to gaze at her.

“Um, you don’t talk much do you?” said Solana, timidly. “My daughter Aiyana found you in the forest out cold so we took you in our home and we kept you warm and placed you in her room. Um….. Are you feeling okay?”

I nodded lightly, and whispered.

“Yes”

“I’m glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way?”

“T-Tw-Twelve” I answered a little unsure of myself.

“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana insecurely “Aiyana is just about you age- Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”

Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor, where I was sitting, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.

“Hey, come over here! Come in the kitchen”

I turned to where the voice is coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. I gagged at the odor of burnt food. The sink next to me was piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. I sat at the table where the girl sat. I gazed at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and grinned.

“Oh hello,” She said quickly, “Don’t mind my Mom, she’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s stressed out. It’s very typical for adults. Other than that she’s a great cook. Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aiyana.”

Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.

I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.
“What’s your name” She asked.

My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. I gave Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana frowned.

“I tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, “but she wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it’s time we call her parents. And turn on the computer on your way back here, and look up something on missing children”

Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,

“Please eat some pancakes, they’re really tasty. I don’t want you to go hungry. I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”

Solana handed me a silver metal fork. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down to examine them.

“Hmm,” said Solana. “It seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and eat it.”

I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn’t always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I thought of Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I wanted to do is offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork. I cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. I chewed slowly to. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.

“I’m glad you like it” She said sweetly. “Would you like some orange juice? You’ll like this one, very natural.

Solana went to the refrigerator at the other side of the kitchen. She opened the door on the right. Reached in and pulled out a pitcher of some kind of yellowish substance, then she closed the door and placed the pitcher on the counter. She reached for the cupboard next to refrigerator for a clear glass cup. She took a cup from the cupboard and placed it on the counter as well. She poured the orange juice from the pitcher into the glass cup, and handed it to me. I looked into the cup of orange juice and saw something lumpy, there seems to be some foreign material inside.
“Oh don’t worry about the stuff in there,” said Solana sweetly “That’s just the pulp, dear. It’s natural orange juice. The pulp happens to be very healthy. Go on just drink it!”

I took a small sip of orange juice, despite the uncomfortable pulp rushing into my lips. It tasted pretty good.

Aiyana has just arrived in the kitchen holding a white cordless phone and handed it to me. I looked down at the phone, then who looked up at Solana, who nodded. I looked down at the phone again and pushed the green call button. There was a loud dial tone. I remained still trying to decide what button to press. The left side of my head ached. Random thoughts swirled into my head. I shut off the phone and placed it on the table. Aiyana and Solana exchanged looks, and then looked at me again.
“Erm…” said Solana nervously, “You don’t know your parents’ phone number?”
I shook my head lightly. Solana frowned.

“Um… okay” she said, “What about parent last name?”

I shrugged. Solana sighed.

“Wow,” said Aiyana, quickly, “you must not remember anything at all. Mom I think she has amnesia”

I looked down at my feet and sighed. My entire face contracted and I clenched my fists firmly as if I was squeezing something. I took three slow deep breaths. Solana kneeled down next to me. I looked at her then she smiled sweetly.

“Oh, No worries,” She said kindheartedly, “you will get you memories back soon. You can stay with us if you’d like, if it’s okay with Aiyana, you can sleep in her room. Aiyana, take this girl to the office upstairs. You are going to the missing child registry. You are not to go on any other site. We are doing this to assist her, not shop for “cute boys” on the internet. Do I make myself clear, young lady?



This an Update on the story. Is there anything else I need to do to improve on this, because everytime I edit it, it gets worse than it was before the edit.

JHB

^Regarding the second edition^

Personally, I like it. Doesn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Nice job.

BlueLucario

I didn't think anyone would like it.

I'll take any opinion or critique.