What do you think (im not happy) - Writers Forum

Dannybono · 11-06-2007, 02:32 AM

There was a boy named Tommy Bigglesworth he was an out of sorts sort of boy who had no friends and had his head in story books as often as he could wishing he could be part of the magical stories that take up most of his time. One day as he was walking to school the local bully, Jason Norville, popped out from behind a tree. He kicked me in the shin and threw my books into the nearby stream. I wish I was as big as one of the giants from my stories so I could squish him Tommy thought to himself. Little did Tommy know his wish would come true very soon.
It was a normal day at school nobody talked to me, it was like I was invisible. I ran all the way home I wanted to finish the last chapter in my book and I didn’t want another beating from Jason. I finished my book and then decided to go for a walk into the woods it was there that my adventure began. “Hello Tommy”, a small voice said from within the bushes, “who’s there” I said “its me” said the voice “who’s me” I said “I’m your friend” the voice said he then appeared from the bush. He was very small and had a pointy nose and was wearing a small cap. “I‘m Sedgewick” the small creature said. I must be dreaming I thought to myself. “I want you to look after this” he said as he handed me a wand with the words maglin engraved on it. “You must guard it with your life, now hide before the snortels find you”. “Who’re the snortels?” said Tommy. “They’re the Kings guards and there looking for that key, now run before they find you”. ”What about you Sedgewick?” “I’ll be fine” he shouted back. I ran as far as I could until I had to stop for a rest I sat down beside an old log to catch my breathe. Why me I wondered why do I have to take care of this key whats so important about it. Sedgewick then appeared from the distance am I glad to see you tommy said. You need to look after that wand like your guarding your life said sedgewick its our only hope of survival. We need to get it to maglin hes locked in krorlocks evil castle hes the only one who has the powers and magic to defeat the evil king krorlock and his army Maglins been in there for decades his powers and magic are nothing without that wand now do you see the importance of it said Sedgwick. Yes I do Sedgwick said tommy I will do whatever it takes to get that wand back to maglin. just wondered what people think of this so far

WriterJohnB · 11-06-2007, 06:46 AM

It's got some problems. The major one seems to be whether Tommy is "he" or "me." Decide if you're going to use first person or third and stick with it.

Also watch for tense changes and run-on sentences like the first one. Here's some suggestions on both those points, as well as apostrophe and capitalization use. Bone up on your grammar; it's important.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dannybono

One day, as Tommy Bigglesworth was walking to school the local bully, Jason Norville, popped out from behind a tree. He kicked Tommy in the shin and threw his books into a nearby stream, then ran off. Tommy watched the books float downstream, knowing that he would be in trouble with his parents and the library for losing them. (Don't abandon your characters in the middle of an action. Jason must run off and Tommy must consider the consequences.)

I wish I was as big as one of the giants from my stories so I could squish him, Tommy thought. He was an out of sorts sort of boy, who had no friends. Rather than be with other people, he prefered to keep his head in books, wishing he could be part of the magical stories.

Little did Tommy know his wish would soon come true.

It was a normal day at school. Nobody talked to Tommy; it was like he was invisible. Afterward, he ran all the way home. He wanted to finish the last chapter in his book and, besides, he didn’t want another beating from Jason.

Just before dark, he finished his book and decided to go for a walk into the woods. It was there that his adventure began.

“Hello Tommy”, a small voice said from within the bushes.

“Who’s there?” Tommy asked, backing away.

““I’m your friend” the voice said, and something stepped out from the bush. A little person! He was very small and had a pointy nose and was wearing a small cap.

“I‘m Sedgewick” the small creature said.

I must be dreaming, Tommy thought to himself.

“I want you to look after this,” Sedgewick said, holding out a wand with the word "Maglin" engraved on it. “You must guard it with your life." He handed the wand to Tommy. "Now hide before the snortels find you,” he said.

“Who’re the snortels?” asked Tommy.

“They’re the King's guards. They're looking for that key, now run before they find you”.
(What's with the key? I thought it was a wand.) And, with that, Sedgewick turned and ran back into the bush.

”What about you Sedgewick?” Tommy hollered behind him.

“I’ll be fine,” he shouted back.

Tommy ran as far as he could until he had to stop for a rest. HeI sat down beside an old log to catch his breathe. Why me, he wondered. Why do I have to take care of this key? Whats so important about it?

As if reading Tommy's mind, Sedgewick appeared in the distance. "You need to look after that wand like you're guarding your life," hollered Sedgewick. It's our only hope of survival. We need to get it to Maglin."

"Why?" yelled Tommy.

"Because he's locked in Krorlock's evil castle. He's the only one who has the powers and magic to defeat the evil king Krorlock and his army. Maglin's been in there for decades. His powers and magic are nothing without that wand. Now do you see the importance of it?"

"Yes, I do, Sedgewick," shouted Tommy. " I will do whatever it takes to get that wand back to Maglin."

I assume you are just beginning to write seriously, so don't be disheartened by my criticism. Just learn one thing at a time. Try to figure out why I made the changes. I also put thoughts in italics, but this forum posts quotes in italics, so they got lost.

Hope that helps,

JohnB