Malone

This is what I banged out for the flash fiction contest. The objective is to show a private conversation from a fly on the wall's perspective. This only took a few minutes to write, so feel free to blast it.

So, what are you wearing? The bald man asks. His right hand holds the phone while his left fondles his penis.

Yeah, that’s sexy.

Oh yeah. Touch yourself.

Now play with it.

What? Just some shitty motel. Let’s get back to you.

No, I’m not cheap. I’m thrifty.

Why would you say that? I’m paying you.

What does that matter?

Come on. Now you’re just stalling.

Fine. A Ford.

Yeah. Let’s get back to the-

No! I won’t do that! Now…stroke it.

Yeah, that’s what I like.

Oh, you’re so dirty.

You can fit that there?

What? Really? You can make it do that? Jesus.

Why would you ask that?

Damnit, this is costing me a lot of money! We’re not going to talk about that!

Okay, three. I have three. Just like everyone else. Happy?

Fine!

Damnit, now I’ve lost my wood. This turned out to be a big waste of money. Thanks a lot.

No, that was sarcasm, moron.

No, you’re a jerk!

Why? What do you need that for?

No, no! You can’t do that!

How dare you! I should report you to the BBB!

No, fuck you!

What? How do you know my name?

That was privileged information!

Alright.

Alright.

Goddammit. Okay, okay. I won’t say anything. You can have it. Go ahead and take the money from my card.

I’m hanging up now. Just make sure you don’t call my wife. Yeah, fuck you too, Miguel.

JosephB

Malone, I realize this is flash. I'm not one of these that says they need more, a further description of place etc. You do that with 2 words -- shitty motel.

It's not readily apparent at first that this is a one way conversation -- the lack of dialog tags doesn't quite do it. It seems to take little bit of work to discern that and given the brevity of the piece you're into it several lines before you do. Maybe that was your intention.

I think you intend this to be provocative and if that's the case, it's not there. It's just voyeurism and not very interesting either.

Some of the dialog in the middle is just too vague. I understand you want the reader to fill in the gaps and think about it, but there isn't enough.

I feel you want me to be surprised by the ending. My reaction was more like "oh, that's not what I was thinking," but it's not a big surprise or shocking -- just kind of flat.

You said you banged it out and it feels like that. I think you need a bigger idea here. As is, it doesn't do much for me.

__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor

Jocelyn

I agree that without your explanation, I would have been confused initially. Maybe one more lead-in phrase to the next quote would help clear it up. I don't agree, though, that the ending fell flat. I found the whole thing entertaining anyway, and then when I read the last word, I laughed out loud. You have enough details that make one think he is talking to a woman, but--cleverly enough--when I reread it with a man in mind, it makes sense, too. The only thing is the word "jerk." Even on my first reading, I thought "he's calling her a jerk?" If you are striving to make it truly misleading until the end, use another gender-neutral insult.

JosephB

Hey Jocelyn,

I should have noted the attempt at humor certainly wasn't lost on me at all. I just didn't think it was that funny. Amusing maybe. But that's just me.

__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor

Jocelyn

Oh, I knew what you meant. "Amusing." Yeah, that's the right word.

boongee

I thought it was funny. Maybe I'm just immature. Yeah, I am.

And I had no trouble discerning that it was a one-way dialogue.

Malone

Hey guys, thanks for the feedback. I wasn't really going for anything provocative here, nor shocking, just something entertaining to read. The voyeurism aspect, I think, is the point of the exercise. If it's not interesting, though...well, obviously I've failed. I didn't use dialogue tags because I hoped the double spaced lines would signify the unheard speaker's role. If it takes a little while to catch on, I can live with that.
The ending wasn't really meant to be a "surprise" per se, just something different. I'm not gay myself, but I enjoy trying to pursue different avenues of thought and relationships.
Thanks for the honest opinions, everyone! I'll try to beef this up before submitting it.