Hello, this is my first time posting any of my work here, although I've floated about the forums before and commented.
Let me start off by saying that I have a love/hate relationship with this story. This story has been in the works for me for about 3 years and it has evolved and changed in many ways, often times drastic ways. I'm still thinking about changing things in it, but I want some feedback on the short prologue and first chapter. I feel like my rythm is choppy and there just seems to be something a little off about it. I don't have anyone to give me some honest un-biased feedback and critique on this, so I'd really appreciate help from you all. (and please alert me on spelling/grammatical errors).
Prologue
A legend was passed down from generation to generation for over two hundred years. The legend told of a warrior; a warrior great, and strong, and feared.
Atra was called the warrior goddess. She went into battles easily outnumbered and came out having slaughtered the other army.
It was said her spiritual energy, called Ki, was felt throughout the entire battlefield, like a great engulfing darkness. Her eyes would light with anger and bloodlust as she entered a battle. There was no warrior more feared than her.
Agures were a rare and mystical bird in that world. They were pure white with silken feathers and plumed tail. They were considered the most beautiful, yet, fearful birds. Agures were said to show at the sight of a death before it happened to feast on the souls of the dead as they passed from the body.
In the legend of Atra the warrior goddess, it was said that four white birds followed her into battle.
After four years of fighting, Atra disappeared.
In that world, the number four means death.
Chapter 1:
Yakira Cai.
Born: 4-4-44
4 o’clock a.m.
8 lbs. 20 ins.
Rania looked at the card on her newborn baby’s crib and shuddered.
She feebly lifted her hand over to the crib and laid her fingers on Yakira’s tiny hand.
Rania’s hand was shaking; she had passed out shortly after delivery. She had nearly died.
With her other three children she’d had no problems. What was so different about Yakira?
She knew it was considered only superstition about the fours, but so many!
Rania was brought out of her thoughts by the loud “ka ka’s” coming from the hospital window.
She looked up startled by the noise.
Sitting on the windowsill were four white birds.
10 years later
Yakira was a happy girl. She was doing well in her studies, her family was a prominent part of their little town and she got along very well with everyone she met.
Her happiness seemed to shine like a brilliant sunset across a spring landscape. Because of this, the people around her chose to ignore the chill of death that her very presence brought. That looming darkness; that creeping sensation of evil.
“How do you think this looks?” Faya asked holding up her drawing.
“awful!” Yakira replied as she looked down at her journal scribbling away words.
“but!” Faya was distraught.
“you’ve asked me four times already how it looks and I’ve told you that it looks fine, then you frown and go about improving it.”
Faya stuck her tongue out at Yakira.
Yakira looked up and grinned at her.
“alright you two!” Mrs. Yashaya said coming out to the schools porch, “you two can go home. I think you two have done enough penance. I won’t be catching you two talking in the middle of class again will I?”
“no ma’am!” they said jumping up and bowing to her. ”thank you.”
Mrs. Yashaya smiled at them. “now get home; I’m sure your parents are worried about you two.”
The girls quickly picked up their bags and hurried on their way.
“I’m surprised my parents haven’t come to see what happened to me,” Faya said looking at the setting sun.
“they probably expect this kind of behavior from you,” Yakira snickered.
Faya nudged her and frowned. “but what about your parents?”
“oh they probably…” Yakira stopped abruptly. Why didn’t her parents come? “hehe…” she laughed weakly. “I’m sure they just….had to do….something. I have to hurry home, see ya later!”
Yakira ran as fast as she could, her heart racing so hard she could barely breathe. She fell on one knee gasping for breath. She was being ridiculous, she knew that. But what had she seen this morning?
“What’s wrong Mother?” Yakira asked scrubbing the dishes. “Mom?”
Rania stared out the window captivated by something.
Yakira looked out the window to what her mother was mesmerized by.
Four pure white birds perched on Yakira’s Horse. The horse’s eye’s flitted about nervously and her breathing was catching. She seemed frightened, yet she didn’t move an inch, on the contrary, she stood unnaturally still.
“Those birds are beautiful!” Yakira exclaimed.
“no.” her mother stated quickly pulling down the curtains on the window.
Rania’s eye’s shined like tiny candles in the sudden dim light as she looked at her daughter with terror. “Don’t look at them. Go get ready for school.”
Yakira jumped over the gate on her front yard fence and ran up to the door flinging it open.
She stumbled backwards in shock.
“A-adara,” Yakira said.
Adara looked blissfully happy sitting on the floor humming a soft tune as she held Ziva’s head in her lap, brushing Ziva’s jet black hair.
Adara didn’t even seem to notice the unnatural angle that Ziva’s neck was at, or the blood dripping from her mouth.
Adara looked up at Yakira saying, “Oh! You’re back, we were wondering when you’d come. Do you like what I’ve done with your sister’s hair?”
Yakira leaned against the doorway to steady her shaking knees.
She closed her eyes, trying to shut out the scene before her; Teagure lying face down by the table, his blood making a pool around his head.
The look of horror etched on Ziva’s face. Her mother and father dead in the kitchen, Tray’s body leaning against the wall.
“Who did this Adara?” she demanded weakly.
“Did what?” Adara frowned confused. “You look stricken dear, has something happened?”
So there you have it, I hope it wasn't too painfully bad to read.
Tell me what ya'l think.
