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Old 11-03-2007, 04:32 PM   #1
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a short narrative (1000 words)

Just so you know, this started out as an attempt to just write something today. I hadn't been serious about writing anything (as past-time) in years. So that is why I used the particular tone you may recognize in the writing. It came easy to me, and I hope its not plagiarism. If it is, don't worry I'll discard of it. If its not, then I would love some opinions but most of all bring on the critique. Critique the heck out of me please, if you can.

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Hurricane Noel had come up northeast. These kinds of hurricanes were called northeasterns, because hurricanes rarely come up this way. It wasn’t going to hit land no where near here, but it sure as hell was making it rain pretty bad. The wind was fierce, blowing everything in the front and back yard all over the place. I could hear it blowing against my window, and you’d have thought that howling wind was coming right through your window, but it wasn’t.

It was ominous, yet not ominous. Like, you knew that the wind wouldn’t be able to blow down the house, but it didn’t make it less threatening. The whole day was threatening in a way, or maybe more like boring. Every weekend was threatening and boring now. I had so much homework and I knew that if I didn’t spend one of my days off doing it all, I’d regret it. This whole school year was very important to me, it was my junior year in high school and I had to get really good grades because colleges look at these the most.

Now the wind was loud, but it was quiet as heck. Even though it was loud outside it still felt quiet in my room. I was all alone in my room with really no intent to socialize. My family was here but, still, I was alone. I was alone everywhere I went actually. I had no friends at school. Its not like I couldn’t make friends at school, I just was scared to take the initiative. To come up to someone and say ‘hello’, was hell for me. Being alone was great sometimes actually, but there’s nothing like the feeling of being connected with someone and getting to know them. But people are so superficial nowadays that I wonder if I really want any friends. I can get alone by myself, it’s very natural. We are born by ourselves and we die by ourselves. Having friends is great, but its not something promised to you. Nothing’s promised to you, just your own life. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t that way though.

It was pretty awkward in a way, with my lamplight on in the daytime. It was day time, but it was like day time in the night. Like there was light outside but it was pretty dim because of the rain clouds. It was so dim that you’d need a lamp on, or something, so that it was bright enough. So it felt like a spooky night time where you have the light on, but if you go and look at the window you see it’s pretty light outside. I felt awkward at school too. I felt so out of place at school. New England is pretty new to me. I’m not bias, I truly believe that we all are equal. But things in New England are just different from things further south where I came from. Like, they are so much more formal. Halloween had just passed and it’s so weird to see how people make a big deal about it. I mean the people at my school specifically. Before Halloween night, you should have heard them talking. It’s just a back and forth. It’s like, first each of them asks the other what their doing for Halloween, then they have a back and forth about what they are doing. It’s the most superficial thing that could ever be seen. By back and forth I literally mean it. It’s almost like watching the damn ball at a tennis match. I can tell that none of them care about what the other is saying too. For one thing they drawl out their god danm voices, and secondly there is no meaning in what they are telling each other. I really believe it is only the act of doing it that makes them do it. Since being in New England I’ve never actually did anything on a Halloween night, but I can bet that it’s very boring. I really believe that it’s the act of doing something on a Halloween night and being able to tell about it the next morning that makes them do it. In fact, after Halloween and they come back to school, you should hear these people have another back and forth. It’s so superficial.

Looking out the window during the storm, I saw no one outside. I felt pretty disconnected from humanity. I can get along with myself pretty well, but sometimes I really wish to have someone to be close to. Thinking back to how people do things on Halloween nights, I’m kind of jealous also. Of course what they do is go trick and treating for candying and wear impressive costumes. But being a teenager I see no meaning in doing it. I don’t need to feel special about myself by wearing a costume, and I’m way too big to go around asking for candy. But it’s the things that they do after it. Like they have parties with people and hang out. Sometimes people even have sex. That’s what really unfoils my theory about these people’s superficiality. I don’t understand how people can be so superficial and still do a thing with so much meaning, and that is so fantastic, like have sex. Sex is not a given though. Nothing’s a given. Just your hand and some lotion, those are a given.
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Thats all I could think of
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Old 11-03-2007, 08:16 PM   #2
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All the direct contradictions remind me of "The Good Soldier."

I think you could expand visually on the idea of it being night-time during the day, and I get that it's intentional, but try to stop saying "superficial" over and over.
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Old 11-04-2007, 06:22 AM   #3
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I also like the contradictions. I notice those all the time in real life. You might be able to change the explanation of New England speech to just a few lines of dialogue, which, I feel, would be more effective. Stephen King is pretty good about that.
I can see that you're kind of pouring yourself out here (your character is, at least) but I think you should rewrite this with a goal of staying under 500 words. It could be done. Maybe even change it to present tense, as the immediacy that would add might work well, as if you're sitting in your room while the hurricane roars around you. The storm works well as a metaphor for your feelings about life. Good start.
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Old 11-04-2007, 11:06 AM   #4
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Thanks a lot. I'm glad you like the idea about the contradictions. Also, I thought the narrative would sound more like Holden in "The Catcher in the Rye", which I had just read. I sometimes take on the style from people I've just read, I don't know if that's normal.

I think I should have explained the night time during the day thing a little more better too. I will try and polish the whole thing up more and shorten it. Thanks for reading through that whole lengthy thing though. Thanks for the critique and compliments.
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