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Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 9
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Rewrite: Intro, A little time for a little advice
This is a rewriten intro to a story intro that i've already posted once, i tried to clean it up so that it flows a little easier, tell me what you like or dislike.......
Within the still air of the silent midnight hour, a partly cloudy atmosphere, signaling the end of yet other weekend, offered just enough vision from a brightly lit moon, for any area void of streetlights, shopping centers and other artificial lighting. It seemingly gave way to an otherwise dark and deserted street that emptied into the endless night, as it continued away from the nation’s capital. Vaporous clouds journeyed slowly across the night sky, randomly passing before a full moon and giving off an eerie since off calm as a single car appeared on the isolated road, exiting the city. As the car left Washington D.C., it eventually veered off into the parking lot of a small, no name motel on the outskirts of the city. A few minutes later, a couple got out the car staggering, in each others arms and mumbling their conversation as they made their way to room 315. Once they got to the door, the man drunkenly fumbled through each pocket in his jacket looking for his room key. Eventually finding it in his back pocket; he couldn’t help feeling stupid as he turned, to the woman giving her a sheepish grin and in the return the woman giggled back at her clumsy companion, thinking he was more charming drunk, than he was sober. As he opened the door, the woman secretly slipped something in to her purse and zipped it back up as she finally heard the door unlock. He then smiled awkwardly at his waiting escort as he threw his arm around her shoulders, and guided her in the door. As he accompanied her into the room, closing the door quickly behind him, he swiftly stepped up behind her, grabbing her hips, smoothly rubbing up her body and kissing down her neck in a half drunken, half-horny fashion with one thing on his mind.
When they left the bar earlier that night, their casual conversation, among the final round of drinks, continued in the car, and grew more intense as their last bit of alcohol began to set in. Mostly small talking as they made their way through the empty, uptown streets, the woman tuned the radio to a more fitting station, playing smooth jazz and soft music. Setting the mood exactly the way she like it, she leaned in closer to her guide rubbing her hand up and down his thigh, across his chest and under his shirt and whispering softly in his ear. The man still mildly inhibited by alcohol, struggled to maintain his focus on the road, but despite his assertively aroused passenger, he firmly refocused his attention and sped up just a little bit in order to get to their destination sooner.
Surprised, by his sudden advance as they stepped into the bedroom, the woman inadvertently dropped her purse on the floor, in front of the door. Although she wasn’t expecting this kind of forward act from the man, it was still the perfect ending to a night that had went just the way she wanted it. She slowly in return, placed her hands on his and leaned her head back on his shoulder, responding to his sudden affection. Realizing his diverted attention, as he slipped out of his jacket; her vision instantly cut to it as it hit the floor, and in the blink of an eye, she twisted to his face, grabbed and hurled him through the air and on to the bed. After flying through the air he landed violently on the bed, stunned by her sudden release of power; as she immediately jumped into a straddle across his body. His eyes locked with her own as her face came too within inches away from his. Frozen by a crazed, maniacal stare he saw within her eyes and the hollow space behind them, filled with a rage and unforgiving intent that peered back at him. He finally snapped out of his trance struggling helplessly to defend against her fanatical strength. Her hidden muscle however far exceeded her small stature, and resisting, as he quickly found out was pointless. Suddenly, just as the shock of his instant futility set in, her demeanor changed. Her eyes grew soft and yielding, she leaned in closer to him, breathing deeply across his ear as she began stroking the hair on his head. The psychotic gaze he had seen in her eyes was gone; replaced with a warm inviting enthusiasm he somehow recognized. Thrown off by her quick change in character he paused, confused by her abrupt passion as she started kissing along the side of his face and down his neck. She came back up to his face to whisper something in his ear and with that; he lost total apprehension against his aggressor. Remembering the eager woman who couldn’t help her self in the car, he finally started to relax, as a consenting smile formed across his face. She began pushing his shirt up with her hands. Breathing and moaning with each kiss she placed further down his chest and stomach. With out warning she then shot up from her restraining position arching her back with outstretched arms. The willing look on her face and in her eyes began to melt into an evil and devious smile as she stared down at him with a superior look of finality. The man felt a small growing fear in the back of his mind watching her hands disappear behind her back as she lowered her head. A second later, a small, unseen but, intense light began illuminating from behind her. Starting out like an undersized glow, hidden by the emergent silhouette of her body, a slight breeze came with it that seem to levitate her hair off her shoulders. She looked angelic, like the shadow of an angle, praying as her hair hung gracefully in the wind and the light, following behind her, continuing to grow. Between the radiance of her unknown illumination still increasing, and with it, the concealed breeze turning in to an undersized but powerful wind, her head finally lifted revealing glowing, white eyes. With a cold and empty gaze transfixed on her prey she looked like an unearthly spectrum on the verge of some transformation as her hair, like a black flame, continued to dance in the wind. He panicked in horror and struggled helplessly to get her off him but with her next action she then revealed one of her hands from behind her back. Showing a sphere of light enclosed around her hand and protruding from it, a midsized blade structure also made of light. She reached her hand back, as the man’s eyes widened at the realization of what she was about to do. In, what seemed like one motion across his throat and back, she struck him, leaving a gleaming light curve that directly followed her attack and blood spraying in all directions as she lastly slammed the blade into his chest. The silence that ensued after her final strike seemed never ending, but only lasted a couple of seconds as the man began gasping and panting while trails of blood spilling from the two slashes across his neck bubbled and sprayed with every breath he tried to take. The woman removed her hand from the light blade sticking out of the man chest and sat there unfazed watching her newest victim as he attempted to hold in the escaping blood, grasping his neck with both hands. Feeling the serge of life flowing through her veins along with her long deep breaths fueling her excitement, she stared through her quenched thirst for blood, at the man’s nearly vacant expression watching his life slowly leak away while he twitched and convulsed. Sensing her pulse finally slowing down, she remembered her objective and made it to her feet, walking' toward the jacket on the floor, with something pleasing in her eyes, as if she had been looking for this all night. Oblivious to the blood sprayed on her dark blue, evening skirt, across her face and in her hair, she continued on ignoring the gagging sounds the man made as he struggled for his last breath of air. Picking up the jacket, she reached in the inside pocket and took out the wallet. Dropping the coat, she then filmed through it, for a minute, pulled out a card and tossed the wallet aside. Finding her purse on the floor, where she had dropped it earlier, she slid the card in and pulled out a small bottle of shampoo. At last, she heard the man, wheeze in his last attempt for air before finally going silent and with that the blade structure made of purely of light, that was still protruding from his chest, began to fizzle away until nothing accept the gash it was sitting in was all that was left. Paying no attention to him, she headed to the bathroom and closed the door. Fifteen minutes later she came out in a similar, but longer and more elegant dark red skirt, her hair hanging down and damp, she zipped up her purse as she opened the front door and walked out. Taking a fleeting look at the 315 number across the door, as she passed by, she flipped a plastic bag over her shoulder, made an annoyed remark, and disregarded the number as she began walking through the parking lot. She made her way across the street to a metro stop, where the last bus for the night, was just arriving. Dropping the plastic bag in a passing city trashcan as she walked by, she boarded the bus heading uptown.
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