I've redone it...so any and all critique appreciated
Dear Agent,
A dream of peace, a father’s wish, an old soldier’s prayer. Freedom. It’s what Yaemon D’Yaros seeks, yet when he mysteriously vanishes, the pursuit for brotherhood dissolves in a bath of bloodshed. Without the inspiration of their leader, the rebels known as The Silver Sun struggle to gain a footing in their chaotic war.
While Nation – a mega security corporation – slowly bleeds the liberties from Callowind’s citizens, young Laura Beckwith dons the wings of leadership, rekindling the fires of espionage and informational warfare. However, Nation’s CEO is far more cunning than his age would indicate, as the streets are curiously emptied of the vagrant and homeless. Upon further investigation, The Silver Sun unearths a series of foul murders, and as they delve deeper, bitter truths are revealed.
My second completed sci fi novel, SILVER SUN RISING is an 83,000 word post-war tale of a cruel man’s enchantment with power, a desperate peoples’ fight for freedom, and an undying obsession with immortality.
Having seen only 21 Iowan summers, I am a young writer who is both passionate and determined. With your permission, I would like to submit a finished manuscript of SILVER SUN RISING for your consideration. An electronic copy is available upon request. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Danny Hankner
A wording question:
1. Do I need the word 'old' right before 'age' in the second paragraph, or is that already apparent?
