Taxiday

Comments/suggestions please:

Dear

At 158,500 plus words, Waltzing in the Shadows is a mixture of fact, fiction and observations during the height of the Cold War. Set in Vienna from late 1978 to mid-1981, it is based upon my personal experiences in the U.S. Department of Defense Security Assistance Office at the American embassy performing duties as, what I jokingly told my Austrian acquaintances, a spy and arms dealer.

It combines memories of a wonderful country, a historic city and people who warmly welcome strangers in their midst. It also shows the darker side of life in what was often known as the Spy Capitol of the West.

This novel explains the whys and wherefores of current world affairs to include the ousting of the Shah of Iran, the takeover by radical Islamists of an American embassy and the abrogation of power on the part of an American administration. And sadly, it shows how, while many people saw and understood the possible effects, their efforts were ignored. While the locale and events are real, the characters, all but one, and their interactions are fictional.

Thank you for your time.

AND

WALTZING IN THE SHADOWS

SYNOPSIS

It is mid-Summer, 1978 in Washington, D.C.

United States Army Sergeant First Class William Sampson completes a unique recruitment assignment no one thought could be accomplished. A friend of his working in the military personnel center offers Bill a special assignment which he accepts without hesitation. Based upon his expertise as a military administrative supervisor and fluency in German, he is qualified for the position in a small, obscure office located at the American embassy in Vienna, Austria.

Bill then receives a “suggestion” to go to the Austrian embassy in Washington as a diplomatic courtesy. He is met by an embassy employee, Ursula Weber. She explains, over lunch, what is expected of foreign military personnel when leaving their diplomatic compounds and Austria’s delicate position as a neutral in the middle of the Cold War.

They establish an instant rapport and see each other socially before Sampson departs for Vienna.

He learns that he will be working for a major on the promotion list to lieutenant colonel. There is one Austrian civilian employee whose sole job is as chauffeur and providing the two with whatever they might need from the local economy.

The two soldiers are responsible for; monitoring the use and disposition of U.S. military equipment given to Austria at the end of the Allied Occupation in 1955, offering and planning for the schooling of selected Austrian soldiers in U.S. military service schools and for reviewing and assessing intelligence on the military and political activities taking place in the neighboring Warsaw Pact nations of Czechoslovakia and Hungary, as well as the communist but neutral Yugoslavia.

In the following three years, Sampson becomes privy to highly sensitive intelligence. It not only includes detailed assessments of Soviet weaponry but the capabilities and skills of Warsaw Pact troops. The information passed to Sampson by the secretive contact directed to him by Weber, who has returned to Vienna and become his good friend, includes uncannily accurate prognostications of events behind the Iron Curtain and throughout the Middle East. He learns of things leading up to the fall of the Iron Curtain and the breakup of the Soviet empire, He also learns about the disturbing rise of radical Islamic groups and planned acts of terrorism.

Throughout this period, Sampson becomes aware of and actually sees many technological advances which we take for granted today.

The story is historically accurate and takes place in real locations as they were during the time frame depicted. All characters, with the exception of one, and their interactions, are purely fictional.

The crux of this is something that we may not yet have learned; nothing is better than on-the-spot human intelligence reviewed and acted upon by professional analysts and decision-makers unhindered by purely political considerations.


Remember - American English!!

WriterJohnB

Taxiday,

From your synopsis, I would gather that your book has no plot, only a chronology of a diplomat's services. Sounds more semi-autobiographical than fictional. A synopsis should have the ending of the book and I see no ending (Plot resolution) here.

The query seems the same; it makes your book sound (to me) like a dry, historical treatise. Only the words spy and arms dealer flag my interest. Having read the beginning (of this book, I assume) in another thread only confirms my reservations about an editor becoming excited about it.

Sorry I'm not being more positive, but I think you need to work on this more before sending it out to agents or editors. I hope that helps.

JohnB

__________________
http://www.johnbushore.com

Danny77

Querys are one of those things that few people (even the professional ones) seem to agree on, particularly the opening sentence. Many say to start off with a hook, similar to starting the book itself. Your choice I guess.
I dont get the joke. Im guessing neither would the agent, at least, if they did, they wouldn't find it all that funny, therefore, delete it. Better not to give them a false impression of being witless
You already used 'it' once to describe the book, which is a no-no. Two times is that much worse. The first one I would suggest finding a better way to describe it than using an 'it' sentence. As for this one, use 'WALTZING IN THE SHADOWS'. It is also good practice to capitalize the title whenever you use it in a query.
Ah not again! The query has to be the most beautifully written piece of writing, or you wont succeed. Switch words around, make it flow, make it alive, make it happen Just dont make it. =)
I think a hyphen is preferred to surround 'all but one'. But if it were me, I'd redo that entire sentence. Its choppy.

Im lazy and don't feel like critiquing the synopsis, so I'll stop here. However, I must say that this query needs much work. Im no expert, but (and I dont mean to be rude) its dull, choppy, and not written well. The query must convey the plot, but also make it exciting, catchy, and perk the interest of the agent. Take a look at some sample querys on the net (just do a google search), read some tips on writing succesful querys (theres plenty out there) and then sit down and commit some serious time to this. Spend days on it. Its the bridge that connects you to success. Last thing you need is for it to crumble.

Good luck!

__________________
The Salad Bar Game

Taxiday

Thank you for your comments - they're hard but well-worth considering. I can see there's a lot more work to do - but that's what it is all about.

Taxiday

Okay, so here we go again:

Dear,

My name is Dale Day and I tell stories. One such story is Waltzing in the Shadows. At 160,000 words, the novel tells of a common guy in an uncommon situation.

Bill Sampson grew up in an unstable situation, lacking guidance and discipline. He enlisted into the United States Army where he learned dedication and self-control, earning him promotion to the senior noncommissioned rank of Sergeant First Class. Although working in an area not of his initial choice, his skills and the German he learned at a military school get him assigned to the American embassy in Vienna, Austria. There, he becomes enmeshed in the world of intelligence during the height of the Cold War, becoming privy to information leading to the fall of the Soviet Empire and the rise of radical Islamic sects.

I have written for as long as I can remember and will certainly continue to do so as long as I live. I have sold some small, obscure works, fiction and nonfiction, for which I received nominal remuneration but had the satisfaction of seeing my words in print. I sincerely hope to see more of them in the future.

I am certain you are asking, “Do you consider your writing ‘ready-to-go’ or do you think it needs some polishing?” Every writer thinks his or her piece is and every editor can always find things here and there to nitpick over and improve. I edit and revise each and every piece I complete prior to submission. I double-check characters and chronology and do my best to ensure the plot carries through and Mister Brown does not suddenly turn into Mister White. So, yes I do -- at least to the best of my ability -- think this work is ready-to-go to an editor and/or reviewer.


As per your guidelines, the following is provided;

Sincerely,