Frabes

I think this is clear, but I dunno if that's because it is, or because I'm the one wrote it. What do you think? Not looking for a critique, necessarily, just want to know if it makes sense.

*Note: Removed to protect publishing rights

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The Backward OX

“Not looking for a critique, necessarily, just want to know if it makes sense.”

For me, to answer the second phrase means giving a critique. You can’t have one without the other.

Ok, so does it make sense?

No.

I mean, here’s this guy having lunch with Jennifer in a restaurant, right? And he doesn’t know the restaurant’s name, right?

So, how did the two of them finish up in this restaurant? Did they arrive together? Did they come in a cab? Did Jennifer say to the cabbie, “I want you to take us to that restaurant on Main, the one with the oak leaves painted on the window”? Did the cabbie say, “Yeah, I know the one you mean”, without naming it? Or did they maybe walk there? Whatever, did the guy have his eyes shut all the time? And if so, why? Does he stumble over curbs, bump into fire-hydrants? Or did they perhaps make plans to meet there? And if so, how was it arranged? Like, for example, did Jennifer say “Let’s meet for lunch at one. Just walk down Main with your eyes shut until you hear me holler – keep em’ shut, and I’ll come get you and lead you in”? Or perhaps this guy said to Jennifer “I’ve got this new game I play. We walk randomly all over town. I keep my eyes shut and hold on to your shirt-tail. You lead me to a restaurant, we go inside, you guide me to a seat at a table, I sit and open my eyes. Cool, huh?”

The possibilities are endless. If you include something along the lines of one of these mad ideas, THEN it might make sense. Possibly no one would read it, but at least it would make sense.

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snorrie

Besides what OX said I have a few other nitpicks that don't make sense, if that's what you're looking for. But overall, I like your clean prose in this piece. It reminds of another piece of yours I read--the voice that is.

Technically this is correct but it sounds awkward. I would have said a restaurant that has a one-word name.


Well, this doesn’t make sense to me. She asks why he’s telling her that he doesn’t wear underwear and he responds that he doesn’t like awkward pauses. What the hell. He tells her he doesn’t wear underwear for this reason?

Frabes

This was taken out of a larger story, so it's obviously out of context. To answer your questions, OX, the two of them had met somewhere else, at which point she brought him to the restaurant. This is explained in the next fews lines of dialogue, which I didn't include. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I've been in this exact situation. You follow someone into a place (restaurant, store, whatever) and don't glance at the name. Maybe you're talking to the person. Or maybe you're looking at her ass (guilty there, also). Either way, just because someone is sitting in a place doesn't mean you should assume they know what the name of it is. Which was more or less the point I was getting at.

Snorrie, I spend a lot of time thinking about how words sound to the reader, and whether or not others would be appropriate. I spent a good twenty minutes writing and re-writing that one line. I chose the one that's there because I liked it's rhythm (two-syllables-preposition and "a"- followed by three more syllables, all repeated twice at the end of the sentence.) I considered using yours, but the word "that" always seems to throw me, even when I'm just reading. I wanted the first few lines to get the readers attention (hence the underwear), and I felt like the sentence I chose would be best for that. That's not to say one's better than the other, just that I felt like mine fit. Of course, there's an even better possibility that neither works best, that I should change that line completely. Hard to tell.

As for the awkward pauses thing, I was trying to show that there had been a silent period, and that the speaker's way of dealing with that was to blurt out something so weird and inappropriate that it would be impossible to ignore or shrug off. (Again, I'm guilty of this myself. You write what you know, eh?)

I suppose I should have been more clear in my question. What I was worried about was not what seem like gaping plot holes due to the omission of a good 2000 words, but the movements and actions described outside of the dialogue, more along the lines of snorrie's comments. Mainly the part where the MC uses the mirror to read the lettering on the window. Since neither of you seem to have been tripped up by that, I suppose I have my answer.

I guess next time I'll include a little more back-story. Or I'll just post the damn thing in it's entirety, which I would have done in this case, had it been finished.

As always, thanks for the comments.

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WriterJohnB

I guess that's why they have betting parlors, because I found it clear, I liked the dialogue and the relationship intrigued me.

Take care,

JohnB

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alanmt

ditto for me, although the two lines snorrie mentioned snagged me as well.

maybe "some restaurant with a one-word name"? The "some" tells us he didn't attach much importance to its name going in and that eh wasn't familiar with it, which is the impression you need to convey for the mirror scene to be consistent. You're not the only one who doesn't always pick up these "extraneous" details from time to time.

intriguing bit!

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alanmt

double post

Jocelyn

Wow, I loved this excerpt. I thought everything was very clear, witty, and humorous. Please let me know if you post the whole story. I'd love to read the rest.

Wallmaker

It's clear and amusing as far as the discourse and action goes. What this is all about.. shrug.. underwear wearing and restuarant signs... can't really discern more if you want clarity beyond that.

My only nit: Not sure how the mirror works to read the sign? Wouldn't the mirror make the sign show up backwards?

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Mermaid on the breakwater

Ye, it's interesting. I thought it was perfectly clear and nice and concise.

Frabes

WriterJohnB- Thanks for the comments, exactly what I was looking for. I appreciate it.

Alanmt- Thanks for the suggestion, I'm gonna use it.

Jocelyn- Thanks for the comments. I'll post the whole version in Writer's Workshop when I'm done with it, probably in a couple of days.

Wallmaker- Thanks for reading. As I said, this is just an excerpt, so it would be unfair of me to ask you to comment on what it's about. The mirror works because he's inside the restaurant, looking at the window, directly onto which the name is written (frosted, decals, whatever). The name lettering looks right from the outside, but backwards from the inside. Using the mirror just reflects it back again so he can read it.

Mermaid- Thanks, I appreciate your taking the time to read it.

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snorrie

Yeah, I had a hard time thinking how this could be rewritten as well. I really didn't like my solution either but I didn't want to completely rewrite your work from a different angle. It is a problem. I know what your talking about with the syllable thing. Your way does sound better, but I'm not sure that it works either.

No, I don't think you should get rid of the underwear line. I can see where it may work depending on the relationship bewteen the characters but unfortunately, I don't know their history together or their personalities in depth. You really handicapped the reader by putting just this excerpt in from a larger story. I'd have to know the characters better, then I could decide whether or not the underwear comment works. Just by reading it the first time--not knowing the character's personalities or relatioinship--I thought, "Geez, if I said something like that, the moment would become awkward and then there would be a long silence." Oh well.

I still like your stuff. I always make sure to read it whenever you post. I think you have some talent. Good luck.

Frabes

I agree, so in the interest of full disclosure, I'm gonna post the whole first part below, which I believe will answer some questions. Thanks for the compliment, by the way.


*Removed to protect publishing rights

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snorrie

Is this the whole piece? If so, it still leaves the underwear part up in the air. I thought there would be more to the character development prior to this scene. That’s what I’d like to see, so it could set the stage for the comment and not explain it at the end. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just thinking too much.

Since you brought up agonizing over words sounding good to the reader, I thought I would go out on a limb and point out this sentence. For example doesn’t’ fit the voice. And you’ve already established the underwear thing at the beginning so the reader already knows it’s an example. It really isn’t necessary and bogs down the crisp voice you’ve established. And you go from no trace of wordiness to this sentence, which to me stands out like a...well you know.
I just want to give you a suggestion as to how it would fit better. If you’re offended , then I apologize in advance.
Rewrite: We’re close enough I can tell her I’ve stopped wearing underwear, but not close enough I can tell her I got a rash from the new budget-detergent I used on my clothes a week ago.
I guess I don’t like the huge clause before gave me a rash. To me it just drags the sentence down. But that’s just me. Your writing is introducing me into a closer look at style and this is the first time I’ve made such an observation. Your writing pushes my craft forward. Thanks for the post.

Frabes

No, there's actually a lot more to this story. This is just as much as I'm comfortable putting up. The whole story will follow, eventually.

Yeah, that sentence needs breaking up. I don't like the way that whole paragraph fits, now that I think about it. Like you said, it absolutely ruins the pace. The only reason it's there in the first place is because I felt like it had to be for the rest of that part to make sense. Now that I've written more of the story, though, I realize it's not necessary

This is a relatively new thing for me, this writing style. Normally there's so much observation in my stuff, and I'm trying something different in this piece by letting the dialogue tell more of the story. Try as I might, though, I keep resorting back to my old ways. Which is not necessarily a bad way of writing, it's just not what I wanted to do here.

I appreciate you're tenacity with this piece, snorrie. You're doing a lot more 'pushing' than I am.

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