StephenP2003

Removed - new one posted on page 2

donteatpoop

Could be offensive to sensitive folK??? So not only do you offend me with foul language, but now you're calling me sensitive?! The nerve!

I'm writing this as I read, so please excuse the lack of formatting.

But in all seriousness, I thought it was humorous, yes. But there were a few thinkgs you may want to do some editing on. For instance, opening line: "There is absolutely no time in my life where the mall was enjoyable to me", you use is and was in the same sentence. My personal suggestion would be to swap "is" with "has been", but that's just me.

The reference to the child who is dragged through the mall should maybe be unigenderal rather that male (you said 'he'), but that's really just a matter of preference. I assume this is to be viewed by a large-ish audience, and likewise assume a unigenderal description of the child would be more appropriate for the group. Again though, just a matter of preference there.

I really enjoyed the "jewelry/butane-lighter/cell-phone-accessory kiosk", and I can easily identify with having to "swing by" the mall and hit up "this-store/kiosk" without being given any directions. It's as though they think you have an internal map of the mall.

Your list of charcaters at the mall was very entertaining. I wasn't offended by the "abortion that didn't happen line", but it might be a tad over-the-top for some people. Of course, you know your audience better than me so I'm sure you've considered that.

All in all, I thought it was great. I would have enjoyed a few more mall characters, like "Fat lady in little clothes", "old creepy guy", "The stalker - who seems to be everywhere you go", and other such people.

I'm glad you posted this and I had a chance to read it. I think it will go over well for you.

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The organ is grinding but the monkey won't dance.

sdavis2k

Personally I think you need to change the opening line, it doesn't grab me. You reference time, but then place with the term where. I would suggest changing where to when, it flows better in my mind. You have some humor in your piece, but your style needs work. Your story comes off more like a long winded speech. I would suggest dicing some of your multiple commas sentences up into short sentences. This could give your style a more rapid fire approach. You starts contradicting yourself later in the story. You spend the first half talking about hating the mall, then recant and say you only hate the people in the mall. Which is it ? If you are making a joke I would stick to one. If you need a segway into the people at the mall bit I would suggest using something similar to: I realize I don't just hate the mall, but all the people in the mall. If the mall itself is a layer of hell, the mall inhabitants are Satan's minions sent to torture you.

Your descriptions are shorter and pretty dead on. I really enjoyed them.

Overall a very nice piece, just needs some polish.

StephenP2003

Oops, you're right. I have a bad habit of doing that. Fixed.

I can see how some people could feel bogged down by some of the lengthy sentences. Long-winded observational writing has always been my style, and that's pretty much what my readers (and my bosses) are expecting from me. I can make sure this is a bit cleaner when I start working with an editor.

Ah, very true. I'll work in a non-contradictory transition there.

Thanks for the tips. It's definitely refreshing to get comments that go deeper than "it's hilarious" (all I get from friends and such).

sdavis2k

I know what you mean. I have a hard time getting honest critiques that are also constructive. Most people either are vague and just "Excellent piece" or try to get you to change your story into how they would write it. I try to make suggestions, but not force my style onto others. If your long winded style works for you go with it, personally I like the rapid fire wit ala Kevin Smith style. Kevin has in Q&A's spent 30 minutes talking about everything except the answer to the question, and it was hilarious.

speakerphone2

The only part of this where I actually laughed out loud was upon reading "shit-trinket kiosk". The rest, in my humble opinion, tries way too hard.

StephenP2003

Can you elaborate?

ClancyBoy

To be honest, not really. The edgy polemic where you list the kinds of people at place x has really been done to death, and has been done better. See Matt Groening and George Carlin.

Just one opinion though.

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"Mother Hitton's Littul Kittons wait for you down there. Little pets they are, little little little pets. Cute little things, they say. Don't you believe it. No man ever saw them and walked away alive. You won't either. That's the final dash, flash. That's the utter clobber, cobber." --Cordwainer Smith, Norstrillia.

kkwriterchick

i was entertained. i really liked it. i would read that out of a magazine. i think you should add one more character; old people. They are ALWAYS at the mall! and they often form a blockade. another thing they do is eavesdrop and make comments on your personal convorsation you are having with a friend. becuase they are lonely. i think that you should make the whole thing specifically just for guys, because NO girl would EVER agree that a mall is related in any way to hell. can you post another one? i want to read it=)

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a writer doesn't just write. a writer stays up until two in the morning just to finish an idea. please return the favor and critique my writing!

Wallmaker

Is this a little familiar? Yeah. Do I enjoy it anyway? Yeah! I always enjoy reading an updated stereotype that we all must suffer with and I do enjoy the who "swing by the mall" rant becuase it's true... you can't swing by the mall. It's a fortress just to get inside and swinging by, assuradly, will not happen.

Therefore I think that's the strongest part is this objective given to swing by the mall and you should start with it... then go into being a poor child and past traumas. Other than that, it works well as an article as is.

Now, if it were me... I'd consider stringing these observations along with an objective, to really get some crappy kiosk trinket and all the observations in between. It could string along like Virgina Woolf's "Street Haunting: A London Adventure" where her whole quest is to go through London to buy a pencil. All of the entertainment and observations is on the way to the pencil... which turns out to be not nearly as exciting as the walk (or in your case, not nearly worth the pain of going to the mall).

Oh, yeah. It was funny, too.

lin

I think it could use a funnier lead. It starts out like a school essay, then gets much funnier later.

I'm sure you can come up with a first line or two that invite people inside.

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speakerphone2

You're too overt. None of this is subtle.

It could have been written better, and as ClancyBoy said, it has been done better.

My advice: Tough love. Scrap lots of it.

StephenP2003

I think I'm going to start it out with the "swinging by" bit, just to make it funny from the start.

MarkOfTheLit

I definitely think it needs a stronger opening, but I think it's pretty pompous to say it tries too hard. You aren't a famous comedian, you're a budding writer like the majority of us. This view of the mall is no one else's but your own, and frankly it's a very funny one. I'd like to read more too. Kudos for publishing your first (?) book.

ClancyBoy

__________________
"Mother Hitton's Littul Kittons wait for you down there. Little pets they are, little little little pets. Cute little things, they say. Don't you believe it. No man ever saw them and walked away alive. You won't either. That's the final dash, flash. That's the utter clobber, cobber." --Cordwainer Smith, Norstrillia.